To feel let down by DH on this holiday?

[Huntergy]

We’re a few days into a family holiday in Spain with DH, our two DDs (7 and 4) and DS (1). I was really looking forward to this - first proper trip abroad since before DS was born - but I’m starting to feel like I may as well have stayed at home for all the “break” I’m getting.

What’s tipped me over a bit today was yesterday afternoon. DS and DD2 were both absolutely done in after lunch, so I took them back to the room for a nap. Asked DH if he could keep an eye on DD1 in the pool, she was happy splashing about and I said I’d be back down in 45 mins or so.

Came back down and found DD1 sitting wrapped in a towel looking miserable. DH had apparently wandered off to the bar to watch the football, said DD1 “wasn’t in the pool anymore” so he thought it was fine. She’s SEVEN. He was a good distance away and not really paying attention. Anything could’ve happened.

When I said he’d been out of order, he got defensive and we ended up having a row. He said I was “doing my usual” and overreacting. Took himself off out last night and rolled in after 1am. We’ve barely spoken today. He’s now acting like I’ve ruined the holiday.

I’m just tired. I feel like I’m still doing all the parenting while he’s checking out completely and treating it like a lad’s weekend. I wanted us to have proper family time and it’s just not happening.

AIBU to feel completely let down? Is this just what holidays with young kids are like or is he being a selfish idiot? Be honest.

Leave him with the kids and go for a walk. Clear your head. Grab a drink.

If this happened to me I would know it's over. Sorry some relationship are just not worth working on.

He refused to parent one kid, and deliberately put her at risk, why would he be better with three kids and the other parent on the booze, too?

Yes, I thought this and felt terribly sad about it. He'd rather watch football at the bar with a beer on his own than spend quality, fun time with his 7yr old DD. What sort of father would do that? Not a decent one, that's for sure. 😞

This is what I was wondering. It's not normal to go out drinking on your own when you are on holiday with your family. An alcoholic will use any excuse to hit the bottle.

I feel sad for you OP. You and your kids deserve your husbands time, help and support and you are not getting it.

Urgh! I've read about grandparents that don't really give a shit about their grandchildren unless they can pretend to be 'Granny of the year' on Instagram. That some self-absorbed and useless dads are like this is eye-opening and utterly depressing.

Leaving a young child around a pool and going off to drink at the bar is despicable. You have every right to be angry OP.

On the other hand when DH & I took our children on holiday we found the best solution was to throw normal routine to the wind. We would take them out at night,eat at unusual hours etc etc & as long as they were happy so were we.

I wouldn't leave early, but I'd suggest he did so he could pack his bags and fuck off by the time I got home.

But as well as leaving her by a pool, he's left the whole of the rest of her family in a hotel room for her to look after. That is so far from being the same thing.

His mention of "doing your usual" says it all. What he's saying in this dismissive and gaslighting comment is that he's not willing to penetrate past the initial noise of your words to understand them as anything more that.

This is a man who doesn't care to listen to women.

Does he realise how dangerous that was? How can he think leaving a small child around a pool was a good idea? Why didn’t he take her with him??

OP you are not being unreasonable. At all. It’s your holiday too and not right to leave a 7 year old to go to the bar! As you say anything could’ve happened. Bad enough he did that but to then not even respond reasonably and then worse to use it as an excuse to go on a bender whilst you held up the family front is selfish in the extreme. Sounds like you have 4 kids not 3. No easy way to navigate the week but clear you can’t rely on him to act or react fairly and reasonably. Next time go on holiday with another Mum!

@SP2024 anyone with a brain knows it's dangerous to abandon a child.

Through his actions and words it's apparent he doesn't care about his kids, or his wife and has no shame about this.

Selfish prick, that’s all you need to know.

Wow. He is truly appalling. No decent man behaves like this on a family holiday. Disgusting.

Your husband sounds like a royal dick. But i also thing you are a bit wishful thinking to think a holiday abroad with 3 little ones will be relaxing.

He can’t be trusted to look after his own children. How sad.
Unfortunately he does sound like a waste of space. As the children get older, it’s likely he will deteriorate even more.
Do you seriously want to spend time with this man? Maybe seek some legal advice. You & DC deserve better.
Leaving your DD on her own & in a foreign country is truly awful.

Does he have a problem with alcohol @Huntergy? Only he seems to be extremely irresponsible when around it.

OK OP, we have established your partner was neglectful and very selfish. You may want to consider long term your relationship.
However you are abroad, on a long awaited holiday. I would, in these particular circumstances, sit him down and outline the following.
Although you are unhappy with the last 24 hours, you both need to find a way forward here and now. You can draw a line under it, but both need to take equal responsibility for the children. Eg you can do an hour in the pool with kids, then I will. We will take turns to go up to the room for the kids nap. Obviously the other parent must be with the children !!!! No snide remarks etc, just move forward.
You can address the issues when you get home. However if he doesn't pull his socks up on thus holiday, you have more to think about.

God I could scream for all these useless men. He is so shit OP. Not just what he did but then the gaslighting telling you you’re overreacting.

Did he push for the third child?
Just curious after the ‘hands off parenting’ comment why you’d have a second, let alone a third.

This.

It makes me so angry that I'm prepared to offer my services as a hit woman 😁

Sometimes when I read threads like this, although I sympathise with the women whose men don't take control of their kids when needed, I wonder how life was in the old, old days (stone age time and later) when men were out hunting all day and the women just got on with it. Far more resilient times I think.

Presumably the women all helped each other?

Sounds like he has checked out of the relationship, and you are doing all the work. It's much more lonely being with with a bloke like that, than being on your own. He is not good enough.

The fact that you had to ask him to mind HIS child whilst you settled the other two speaks volumes about the relationship.

He’s useless, selfish and unpleasant.

I would divorce him as he’s never going to change.