Sahm friend who's son is in nursery all day complains about being stressed. Aibu to be annoyed by this?

[AnneHongKong]

I'm a full time teacher, Head of department with a 5yo and a 2 yo.
I'm actually a British expat living in Asia, teaching at an international school means that my kids can go to the same school as I teach since there's a nursery section there too (makes drop off and pick up much easier so.im.really lucky, but of course means I'll dont even get a 5 min drive to decompress after work like I would if I were picking them up from nursery).

A friend had her baby same month as my 5yo. The kids are really close and he's a really sweet boy...the post is not about him at all.
She is an expat spouse - husband is working here and she's a sahm. Her son goes to nursery full time, has been doing since 6 months old (she has never worked during that time). Nothing wrong at all in that, we all need a break, especially as expats without family around.
Anyway I find myself getting really annoyed when she constantly complains about being stressed, tired, etc. most recently it's the fact that she has to get up early and get her son to nursery before 9am start time (I have to be clocked in work with both kids by 8am).
Then it's constantly how tired/stressed she is, has so much to do, etc.
I'm in school 8-4 then home taking care of the kids alone till 8 when husband gets home (I know most working mum's do that too, not complaining about that).Weekends I'm exhausted so I often make excuses for cancelling playdates (other times I'm just honest about being tired). But she gets very very offended. I recently found out that she told another friend I'm a 'let-down' as I'm always cancelling. Honestly I just want to chill with family or hang out with other working mum's as I feel they understand.
I just feel so guilty as she doesn't have many friends here (not working so not mug chance to meet friends) and no family close by. So I feel that I should be there for her but it's all just really difficult to listen to complaints.
I know advice will probably be to talk to her about it, but I'm just not a person that's comfortable doing that...and I really just don't have the energy.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just hang out for the sake of the kids? Should I distance myself a bit?

This story reminded me of DH's best friend's wife. She had one baby, and we were constantly listening to her complaints about the stress. This was with her parents doing all the cooking, coming over to help around the house, coming out with her to help with grocery shopping etc, etc. I guess some people are just easily stressed, hey!

YANBU. What are the benefits to staying friends with her? Why put yourself through this?

I'd message apologizing for being a flake, that you'll (presumably) be around more in the summer but come the new term you'll try not to cancel so much but that will likely mean only agreeing to meet either last min when you know you'll have the energy or when you've got less going on.

Or just don't bother. Sounds like she zaps your energy.

Yanbu this grinds my gears.

I have a friend who has only just stared back working, school hours only, she's struggling and stressed about 'when she will find the time to prep dinner' 🙄. When does she think all the full time working parents find the time to make dinner? She finishes work at 3pm ffs. I spelt put to her I still have at least 2hrs to work after she gets home and manage to make dinner just fine, she wasn't impressed and tried to make excuses about how they like home cooked meals. Bloody insulting.

Couldn’t be arsed with that

When she says it just say "Tell me about it. I'm in school 8-4 then at home taking care of the kids alone until 8 pm when my husband gets home". See what she says. She'd have to be very tone deaf to continue to complain when she has less on her plate than you.

In terms of plans, we'll only make plans if you want to. Regardless of how busy you are, it's inconsiderate to make plans and then cancel them, but you don't have to agree to meet her if you don't want to.

Other side of the coin, there could be things going on that you don't know about. Just because she doesn't work that doesn't mean she doesn't have reason to be stressed.

I’ve noticed this a few times where people who have loads of help, either paid or family, or both, seem to find it harder than who just have to roll up their sleeves and get on with it.

I think people have a basic temperament that doesn’t change much with their cuircumstances. So some people will still manage to be cheerful in quite difficult situations, and others can complain while they collect their lottery win.

Personally, I would find it extremely stressful living in a foreign country where I was entirely dependent on the goodwill and financial support of my husband. So while you certainly have a stressful life, hers might also have stressors that aren't immediately apparent.

Id say tell me about it - I work all day then my DH isn't home until 8pm.

I get zero time to myself for 12 hours plus every day.

1. Don’t make commitments you cannot keep. That isn’t on.
2. Not everyone handles stress or life like you do, whatever the circumstances are
3. There’s a possibility she’s trying to ‘keep up’ with you or come across as relatable to you by making out she’s more stressed or tired than she is. Of course this probably isn’t the case but even so, point 2) still stands

(her life sounds pretty depressing to be honest)

Everyone is different, and you have no idea what exactly is going on in her life. She may be stressed out and worried/anxious etc for all manner of reasoins. All of them valid.

If you don't like listening to her then stop being friends with her. You could tell her the reason why you are "breaking up" with her - but be prepared for her to fire back with examples of things that you talk about that are annoying/whiny etc. etc.

Comparing "who has it worse" is always going to be a failed conversation: there will always be people who have it better than you, and those who have it worse (the majority of the planet have it worse than you btw). Consider that this lady may well have thought she was in a safe space and could vent about stuff, particularly if you vent about things with/to her. But if you don't lilke it then end the friendship and find other people to spend time with.

She sounds depressed and lonely. You sound judgey.

If you know you will be tired at the weekend and just want to spend time with your family (reasonable plan) then don’t make plans to meet her at all. Better to decline up front than make a plan and cancel at the last minute.

Some people don’t live in the real world. YANBU.

Totally sympathetic with you and generally agree, EXCEPT about you cancelling the play dates. That’s not ok. If you think you’ll be too tired or want family time without others, don’t set up the get together in the first place. But once you have agreed to it and it’s in the diary, stick to it u less there is a genuine emergency. Frankly, you are being flaky about that. How does she explain to her 5 year old that his friend who he thought was coming round to play has now cancelled? Even leaving aside how she may feel, that’s a rotten thing to do to a little kid.

YANBU! I have a friend who has one DC in full time nursery, she was working 1 afternoon per week in a school and gave it up as she found it too stressful!

Stop flaking on her - only make plans you can keep. If you find her annoying limit how much time you spend together but the flaking is entirely on you.

I’d just stop being friends with her. Your lives are too different. Yours is incredibly busy. Hers lacks purpose.

Why do you call yourself ‘expat’ rather than immigrant?

Everyone is different - you have no idea what she’s going through. Being worried is not only the privilege of those working for pay.

May be, stop promising meet-ups and cancelling on her,
so she can make plans with more reliable people?

YABU to continue to schedule playdates when you know that you will probably cancel due to tiredness. Just dont set yourself for being a “let-down” friend in the first place! Its unfair andher SAH status is irrelevant if you make plans and then flake.

Yes, this was what I was going to say. She's in an unenviable position of dependence, and lonely, and for all you know she hates every minute of her current life. I'd certainly choose your life over hers.

BUT, obviously none of that means you need to be friends with her if it's not working for you. I think cancelling playdates you've committed to is poor form, but if contact with her is routinely unenjoyable, let the friendship drift.

I mean you could just half jokingly say 'well, how do you think I feel?'

But everyone is different. It doesn't diminish the fact she's saying she feels that way and is confiding in you as a friend, hoping for support.

You can cope brilliantly in your life maybe, but her seemingly less complicated life is obviously more of a challenge. I'd say to be annoyed she's struggling to cope is a bit mean. I'd more feel sorry for her.

Sounds like she is a bit low and lonely and finding it hard to cope.

It's not your problem to solve, but I do think working helps you find a new tribe in a new setting.

Sounds like she needs to find some routine and run with it.

If her complaints are getting you down then distance yourself. It's unfortunately one of those things that she might need to figure out for herself.

Try to reassure yourself that this woman is incompetent and cannot cope with adult life. She must look at you with deep envy. Don't compare, you wouldn't want to be her. I would distant myself a bit anyhow if she is annoying you.

Same. That lifestyle does actually sound rather stressful to me.

That said, you're allowed to be annoyed by it and you're entitled to time for yourself too. But you should stop arranging things with her just to fuck them off again.

I used to chat to a mum who was the daughter of a famous celebrity. I remember her moaning about her housekeeper being off for one day. Some people just can’t cope with life. Either utterly spoilt or they just don’t have the normal coping skills.

Distance yourself you don’t have to interact with anyone who makes your life harder, if you don’t need to.