Sahm friend who's son is in nursery all day complains about being stressed. Aibu to be annoyed by this?

[AnneHongKong]

I'm a full time teacher, Head of department with a 5yo and a 2 yo.
I'm actually a British expat living in Asia, teaching at an international school means that my kids can go to the same school as I teach since there's a nursery section there too (makes drop off and pick up much easier so.im.really lucky, but of course means I'll dont even get a 5 min drive to decompress after work like I would if I were picking them up from nursery).

A friend had her baby same month as my 5yo. The kids are really close and he's a really sweet boy...the post is not about him at all.
She is an expat spouse - husband is working here and she's a sahm. Her son goes to nursery full time, has been doing since 6 months old (she has never worked during that time). Nothing wrong at all in that, we all need a break, especially as expats without family around.
Anyway I find myself getting really annoyed when she constantly complains about being stressed, tired, etc. most recently it's the fact that she has to get up early and get her son to nursery before 9am start time (I have to be clocked in work with both kids by 8am).
Then it's constantly how tired/stressed she is, has so much to do, etc.
I'm in school 8-4 then home taking care of the kids alone till 8 when husband gets home (I know most working mum's do that too, not complaining about that).Weekends I'm exhausted so I often make excuses for cancelling playdates (other times I'm just honest about being tired). But she gets very very offended. I recently found out that she told another friend I'm a 'let-down' as I'm always cancelling. Honestly I just want to chill with family or hang out with other working mum's as I feel they understand.
I just feel so guilty as she doesn't have many friends here (not working so not mug chance to meet friends) and no family close by. So I feel that I should be there for her but it's all just really difficult to listen to complaints.
I know advice will probably be to talk to her about it, but I'm just not a person that's comfortable doing that...and I really just don't have the energy.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just hang out for the sake of the kids? Should I distance myself a bit?

She’s complaining about you to other people and moaning about non existent stress while showing no understanding of your situation. She sounds like a rubbish friend and a drain to be around. You have no reason to feel guilty for distancing yourself.

I'd say her child could be disappointed as well if you're cancelling play dates last minute and they're excited about them.

There are always comparisons made between working parents and sahm parents, the time is filled no matter what.

If you have more time you spend longer planning, shopping, cooking or cleaning and if you're short of time you still do all those things but maybe not to the extent you might if you had time. I think sometimes we might expect more of ourselves because we have the time and that in itself can be pressured. You have no excuse not to be doing everything 100% as you don't work.

This lady has her child in nursery and might have to do a lot at home and could be stressed by her partner asking her what she has done each day. Maybe she finds her child very hard to manage as she hasn't got a good routine.

You can also be tired and stressed when you're doing nothing physical, it could be her cognitive load or a health complaint you're not aware of. Some people can be inherently negative about everything though and you can gently challenge that by asking questions.

I would suggest you commit to one playdate a month and stick to it. Try to see her stressors as different to your own but that doesn't negate them altogether.

tell her that if she gets a job, she won't have so much time to worry about being stressed.

"Expat" 🙄

This!!

You sounds quite envious, stop flaking, just be busy all the time if you're asked to meet

Also as an aside, I think sometimes there are reasons why someone is a sahm. My mother became a sahm and really enjoyed presenting herself as a kept woman and homemaker when in reality she had been struggling massively in work, was probably going to be sacked and jumped before she was pushed and had always had awful mental health issues. Most of her days as a sahm were spent in bed depressed with us caring for her but she'd perform for her friends to keep up the appearance that it was a lifestyle choice or because she wanted to be home with us. You really never know what's going on behind closed doors.

See now I have been that SAHM but when talking to my working mum friends I always felt like I couldn’t complain about anything, could never say I was tired or stressed, because I knew they’d be thinking along the lines of what you’re saying OP
I completely get where you’re coming from and it must be really annoying for you when you’re doing all that you are, but being a SAHM can be quite lonely and sometimes she might just need someone to vent to and sees you as a friend she can do that to… as tone deaf as she might be!

From another perspective... I only have one child and have to hear other mums going on about how stressful their lives are having to make dinner for two kids and a husband etc all the time.

I'm a solo parent. One income and can't work evenings or weekend so limits what I can do.
Yes I only have one child, but I do it all. Everything. Work, fix the house, bills, cooking, cleaning, car stuff, making appointments, homework, clothes buying, painting garage, fixing tap etc etc.

I have No one else for a second opinion on anything. No one else in the house so I can pop out.

My point is their lives are stressful, just in a different way.
I'd love to swap cooking and a loud house for the security another income would give me, and the freedom of being able to leave the house without a kid occasionally.

Maybe she has stresses that are just not obvious

Or she's just a whinger in which case I'd stop making the effort 😂😂😂

There’s always someone that feels more hard done by. Just enjoy what you have OP. This friend doesn’t sound that bad at all! Is she not allowed to have stressors like everyone else?

Ffs

(makes drop off and pick up much easier so.im.really lucky, but of course means I'll dont even get a 5 min drive to decompress after work like I would if I were picking them up from nursery).

sit in your office for 5 minutes before you get the kids…nuts! You are as bad as the person you complain about. Get a grip

It's not a competition is it. Maybe her baby wakes up every 30mins through the night or something. I'm a sahm and still feel like I haven't got enough time to do all I need to do. You fill the time available. Although I'm not always complaining and I'm not stressed, I am always tired. DC wakes me up in the night and I really struggle to sleep again.

I had a Mum friend who I made plans with. After the third time we'd agreed plans and she'd cancelled at the last minute, I decided not to bother making plans again and let her do it. She never got in touch again. I think yabu to make plans and then cancel at the last minute because you're tired. Just tell her straight that you don't want to meet up at weekends and don't waste her time!

I do not understand why people don't just ditch people who make them miserable. You are nobody's comfort blanket or support dog it is NOT YOUR JOB to counsel or console her. Why not just move on? I don't do guilt for unsolvable problems that other people make for themselves, and I genuinely don't understand why so many here seem to do that.

And no, I'm not lonely/cold/selfish any other insult mumsnetters love to trot out 😅 I am sensible and rational though and have never had any difficulty finding and keeping friends who don't bug the shit out of me.

I think the problem is that when you work full time, you have to do all the ‘SAHM’ things on top of a working week. It’s not one or the other. SAHMs are lucky that they have more time to do the housework/cooking etc whereas working mums have to fit in so surely the working mums would be more stressed.

I’m in this position and envy my friends who work. I do stay home with my baby but my eldest is in school. I’d love to be working!

My SIL is like this, with everything done for her by her parents and her husband (he works full time.)

She has a cleaner, her mum does their washing and ironing, her parents or husband do the school drop offs or pick ups.

She works part time. Her Mum does the daily food shop m/essential shop, but she does the big weekly food shop with her husband. They have a gardener and window cleaner. There is literally nothing left that she does.

it doesn’t effect me but it does my other SIL and it’s drove a wedge between them because my other SIL doesn’t have the patience to listen to the moaning. I’ve been in the family the longest so it’s water off a ducks back to me.

I totally get that and have been in both positions. However I just feel like the mental loads are completely different and shouldn’t be compared or minimised.

Just because someone works all day and has to come home and get the sleeves up doesn’t take away from a SAHM who’s ran around all day without a second to herself.

Personally I found when I was a SAHM more was expected of me, always! I was completely burnt out from being ‘on’ at home all day.

I don’t doubt that there may be SAHMs who do lounge around but that wasn’t the case for me or some people I know and in turn it was more stressful than being at work and having child care for a bit.

Ask her if she'd like to trade places for a week.🙂

So she talks shit about you behind your back and whines all the time, dominating the conversation to yammer on about her alleged woes. Surely you have better friends than this. Why waste your time on this back-stabbing bitch? You have nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like she's lonely at least in part because she sucks as a friend and people don't like her. Leave her to the natural consequences of that.

I would be annoyed in your position too.

I’m a stay at home mum, mainly because I really love being with my child everyday and also because I wouldn’t feel comfortable using childcare. I plan on having more children and staying at home during the primary school years. When I get to the stage where all of my children are in school and I’m still at home I expect to have loads of free time and a lot less stress than now (although on the whole being a stay at home mum to one toddler isn’t particularly stressful to me).

I know it might be controversial to admit but I think it’s easier being a stay at home mum compared to a working mum. I truly cannot imagine how stressful trying to work and parent at the same time would be.

I’m so lucky to be able to do this - and before anyone comes along and says I’m leaving myself vulnerable to financial abuse or what if my husband leaves me or dies etc etc - I am fortunate to be independently wealthy, and to have a supportive husband.

I'm surprised that so few people have mentioned that this woman has been shit talking about the OP to other people. That's not being tired or stressed, that's being a bitch. So what if OP had to cancel plans? It happens all the time, especially if you have kids. There are always problems that crop up. The OP's friend should know that and try to be more understanding.

It seems the SAHMs on this thread got put off of by the way the OP phrased it, as if the woman has no reason to be tired, (which is not true, she could have many reasons) so they ignored the friend's obvious flaws in order to support an SAHM against that sort of remark. I do get it and I agree that you never can know what somebody might be dealing with, but this woman doesn't deserve to be championed IMO. She may have good reason to be tired, but it's self-centered of her to moan on about herself all the time. Nobody wants to be around an Eeyore type. They suck all the oxygen out of every room they're in. It's always poor little me, me, me, me, me. Exhausting people.

You could just tell her that you're experimenting with a new social rule. One complaint per person then they have to be positive about everything else.

Is it normal over there to put your baby in nursery from 6 months old if you don't work? She does sound annoying and I'd find it hard to dredge up any sympathy for someone with such an easy life who complains about how hard she has it.

I assume that she asks for the playdates at weekends, not you, and you say yes out of guilt and obligation only to cancel at the last minute? I can see why that would upset her, but the solution is not to make the playdates in the first place. because you know you'll be too busy.

She needs to widen her social circle so she isn't relying on you all the time.

Ex-pat wives in Asia and the Middle East often have a cleaner to do the housework and possibly even someone to do the cooking. It's a very different world and I think that OP is probably unusual having a very senior job over there.

I really can't see how being a SAHM with a child in nursery all day is more stressful than being a teacher and Head of Department and two young children and a husband that doesn't get home until 8 pm.

You have no idea about her stress, she may be lonely, anxious or depressed.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Maybe you are just not meant to be friends as there seems to be a massive lack of support both sides.

If you don't want to meet up with people then don't make plans.