Sahm friend who's son is in nursery all day complains about being stressed. Aibu to be annoyed by this?

[AnneHongKong]

I'm a full time teacher, Head of department with a 5yo and a 2 yo.
I'm actually a British expat living in Asia, teaching at an international school means that my kids can go to the same school as I teach since there's a nursery section there too (makes drop off and pick up much easier so.im.really lucky, but of course means I'll dont even get a 5 min drive to decompress after work like I would if I were picking them up from nursery).

A friend had her baby same month as my 5yo. The kids are really close and he's a really sweet boy...the post is not about him at all.
She is an expat spouse - husband is working here and she's a sahm. Her son goes to nursery full time, has been doing since 6 months old (she has never worked during that time). Nothing wrong at all in that, we all need a break, especially as expats without family around.
Anyway I find myself getting really annoyed when she constantly complains about being stressed, tired, etc. most recently it's the fact that she has to get up early and get her son to nursery before 9am start time (I have to be clocked in work with both kids by 8am).
Then it's constantly how tired/stressed she is, has so much to do, etc.
I'm in school 8-4 then home taking care of the kids alone till 8 when husband gets home (I know most working mum's do that too, not complaining about that).Weekends I'm exhausted so I often make excuses for cancelling playdates (other times I'm just honest about being tired). But she gets very very offended. I recently found out that she told another friend I'm a 'let-down' as I'm always cancelling. Honestly I just want to chill with family or hang out with other working mum's as I feel they understand.
I just feel so guilty as she doesn't have many friends here (not working so not mug chance to meet friends) and no family close by. So I feel that I should be there for her but it's all just really difficult to listen to complaints.
I know advice will probably be to talk to her about it, but I'm just not a person that's comfortable doing that...and I really just don't have the energy.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just hang out for the sake of the kids? Should I distance myself a bit?

She's a trailing spouse, so probably doesn't have a visa that allows her to work.

The same is true of OP. All she's done is moan about how busy she is. Why is her friend not allowed to?

I've got a friend like this, SAHM for years. Kid in school, had a cleaner, help from parents, but was still always depressed and stressed and tired.

The only thing that has actually helped is her going back to part time work, has put life into perspective I think. She's been much easier to be around since.

I'd suggest your friend is unfulfilled, or just a very negative person. If it's the latter, maybe just distance yourself.

She really needs something to think about other than herself but only she can sort that out. Suggest when you cancel you tell her exactly why each time. You have clearly sorted you and yours out don't feel guilty for not sorting others.

Give her a mouth full, tell her she is extremely fortunate to not be working & never speak to her again, simples!

For starters, stop making plans if you’re going to keep cancelling them. Just say no, you need some chill time

Secondly, you’re complaining about your friend complaining but that’s exactly what you’re doing here.

Thirdly, maybe she IS stressed. She’s allowed to be. Perhaps it’s the isolation that’s causing her to feel anxious. Some people work better with a healthy amount of pressure on them and your friend may be one of these people but hasn’t figured out yet. Maybe she needs more of a sense of purpose. Having said that, none of this is your problem if you don’t want to or can’t support her. That’s your call

Lastly - when people say “I know I should say something but I’m not that type of person” it winds me up a little - you can’t go through life without having uncomfortable conversations occasionally. So you decide - either you care about your friend enough and like her enough to stay friends with her (in which case, TALK to her) or you don’t. If you don’t, stop being friends with her.

OH I didn't realise @Kpmalaysia was flaking late in the day. In that case better to say no at the outset.

I wouldn't be able to tolerate all that whining when I work my ass off and have 2 kids. I think that friendship gives you more trouble than relaxation. I would drop the friendship.

She sounds quite self absorbed/blinkered but mainly tediously boring. I've know a couple of women like this and I do keep them at friendly acquaitance rather than friend.

Stop arranging playdates though. Arranging and then cancelling crap, that is the only thing you should feel guilty about. I would just tell her that weekends are family time.

It's obvious that OP is busy and her friend isn't. Her friend is the one moaning about being tired and stressed to OP, not the other way round.

And you know the friend isn’t busy how?
Because OP assumes she isn’t busy?
And you know OP isn’t sounding off about how busy she is too, lol.

Sounds like the OP is jealous of the friend to me and clearly not much of a friend to her at all to be cancelling last minute plans and shitting on her with a bunch of strangers online.

No, it isn't obvious that her friend isn't busy. That's an assumption you've made, based on a single source and very little evidence

You can only really say for certain OP is employed and her friend isn't. And that OP is, in fact, moaning about how busy and tired she is.

I have been in both situations and I think, you need to look at your own life, you are deflecting. If she is making you that annoyed, it's telling. Maybe the situation you are in, isn't worth the hassle. There is a lot of negative stuff in you describing your own circumstances. And never worry, you don't have to be friends with anyone because you feel bad for them.

“You should try working full time as well!” Respond with this every time. Yanbu.

It is surprising to hear your friend feels stressed because as you said, her stress seems much less than yours however stress is subjective. Whatever is stressing her out obviously feels really stressful to her.
I do think it’s slightly annoying that you keep cancelling on her. Maybe make less plans with her so is easier to stick to. Although if you don’t want to be friends with her, definitely distance yourself. If the friendship no longer serves you, leave it

I think it’s unfair to be cancelling on her all the time and I think it’s unpleasant to assume she isn’t stressed just because she doesn’t work. That’s not how stress works. Maybe she feels stressed about having judgemental friend who cancel on her all the time, or maybe she is stressed about feeling like she hasn’t got a purpose in life, or maybe she feels stressed about her future or her marriage or anything. It’s crazy that the OP thinks you can only be stressed if you have an important job. How stressed you are isn’t a competition.

Having said that if you don’t want to hang out with then don’t.

YABU to keep cancelling her.

It’s not a competition and she has different life stresses to you and is perhaps not as resourceful or resilient.

If you are going to make arrangements (perhaps infrequently) then stick to them, otherwise just let things fizzle out, since you don’t want to have a conversation about it.

You are justifying your behaviour, but no-one deserves this. She probably looks forward to meeting up with you since she doesn’t work and possibly more isolated.

We only ever get one source of information, the OP. She has said that this friend doesn't work and that her child has been in full-time nursery since he was 6 months old. Her friend is stressed by having to get him to nursery by 9.00 am.

She may be run off her feet but I'm not sure how. You seem sceptical of the fact that someone with two children and a full-time teaching job and head of department and a husband who works very long hours is probably going to be busier than someone with one child in full time nursery who doesn't work.

Maybe OP intends to return to her home country at some point, so expat, rather than intends to settle permanently. Why does it matter?

Yep you're right, we do only have OP's word for it all - but that in no way negates the fact that you're making assumptions. As evidenced by many posters here, people can feel stressed in all sorts of ways from all sorts of things so OP's life sob story only points to why SHE is stressed. You have zero idea about what's going on with this other woman, despite OP's best efforts to highlight her own superhero status in comparison.

And OP is complaining about it. That's the key point. SHE is complaining about how busy her life is, while complaining that someone else has the audacity to do the same thing. Do you not see the irony?

If her SAHM experience is anything like mine (raising an AUDHD kid with an abusive narc as the other parent, totally isolated, with no help from anyone), then I could totally see why she'd be stressed out of her tree. Before I had my son, I worked 80 hour weeks responsible for 3 sites in Europe, £20m worth of contracts a year, travelling 70% of the time, writing manufacturing procedures to comply with 400-odd page specifications... You name it. None of that was as hard or as lonely as raising my boy for the last 7 years (2 years alone, while completing my BEng and PGCE). I would have loved to have had access to childcare and the chance to work and it probably would have been much better for my mental and physical health to have had a break from my kid. If you CBA with her then fine, don't make plans that you can't keep, but don't sit in judgement. Even if her life is "easy", in your eyes, you have absolutely no right to decide how she's allowed to feel about it.

She probably has anxiety or something. These things aren’t always rational.

you will be stressed out trying to help her
do your own thing - some ppl dont know what real stress is as they've always expected others to help them

YANBU She’s allowed to complain… but to other people mostly. She shouldn’t complain so much to you. Shit should roll downhill. She’s got it much easier than you so should respect that. It’s okay to bring up to her. Let her know you understand everyone has stress & a right to complain, but she’s had it much easier than you for years & you are finding it very hard right now. Could she please complain less & show some respect for your situation.