Sahm friend who's son is in nursery all day complains about being stressed. Aibu to be annoyed by this?

[AnneHongKong]

I'm a full time teacher, Head of department with a 5yo and a 2 yo.
I'm actually a British expat living in Asia, teaching at an international school means that my kids can go to the same school as I teach since there's a nursery section there too (makes drop off and pick up much easier so.im.really lucky, but of course means I'll dont even get a 5 min drive to decompress after work like I would if I were picking them up from nursery).

A friend had her baby same month as my 5yo. The kids are really close and he's a really sweet boy...the post is not about him at all.
She is an expat spouse - husband is working here and she's a sahm. Her son goes to nursery full time, has been doing since 6 months old (she has never worked during that time). Nothing wrong at all in that, we all need a break, especially as expats without family around.
Anyway I find myself getting really annoyed when she constantly complains about being stressed, tired, etc. most recently it's the fact that she has to get up early and get her son to nursery before 9am start time (I have to be clocked in work with both kids by 8am).
Then it's constantly how tired/stressed she is, has so much to do, etc.
I'm in school 8-4 then home taking care of the kids alone till 8 when husband gets home (I know most working mum's do that too, not complaining about that).Weekends I'm exhausted so I often make excuses for cancelling playdates (other times I'm just honest about being tired). But she gets very very offended. I recently found out that she told another friend I'm a 'let-down' as I'm always cancelling. Honestly I just want to chill with family or hang out with other working mum's as I feel they understand.
I just feel so guilty as she doesn't have many friends here (not working so not mug chance to meet friends) and no family close by. So I feel that I should be there for her but it's all just really difficult to listen to complaints.
I know advice will probably be to talk to her about it, but I'm just not a person that's comfortable doing that...and I really just don't have the energy.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just hang out for the sake of the kids? Should I distance myself a bit?

Some people aren't very capable and they find life difficult even when they objectively have little to do. That's just life.

I always assume everyone is going through their own personal hell. It’s much easier to empathise / not be irritated by their seemingly meaningless complaints that way.

I often think it’s lonely being a SAHM. It’s possible she doesn’t have a work permit and is only allowed there because of her husband’s job. Sounds like she has too much time on her hands and has become a bit self absorbed. Doesn’t mean she isn’t stressed.

She might have a hell of a lot going on behind closed doors you don't know about. Maybe they're in big financial difficulties. Maybe she or her DH has a chronic or very personal illness they've not told you of. Maybe her marriage is on the rocks and she's utterly miserable, maybe she's utterly miserable anyway because she's stuck living abroad away from friends and family and doesn't even have a job to distract herself. Or maybe none of the above she's just a whingebag.

Either way it sounds like she annoys you a lot so maybe just distance yourself, you've got a busy job so perfect excuse.

But do stop making plans then flaking on her, that's crappy behaviour. "Sorry I can't meet up atm just a bit too much happening the next few weeks, let me give you a call when it's all a bit calmer. Hope you're well." Rinse and repeat.

Then it's constantly how tired/stressed she is, has so much to do, etc.
I'm in school 8-4 then home taking care of the kids alone till 8 when husband gets home

It might be annoying to listen to but it’s not a competition, there are no prizes for who is the most stressed or busiest. If you can’t tell her to stop complaining to you then let it just go over your head

She does sound a bit depressed. So try to have sympathy.

I wouldn't be able to be friends with someone who has time to herself all day but pretends that she's incredibly busy. I'd pull away personally.

You're not responsible for this woman's social life, especially as she's so negative. I think you cut down on the meet ups - just tell her you're really busy juggling work, home and family so don't want to commit to meeting up.

Your kids could still go for play dates, she can drop her son off forva couple of hours to play, but you don't need to have adult meet up too.

I've met SAHMs who talk a lot about how stressed or busy they are, as if they want to show that they have similar challenges to working parents. It is grating - I tend to think lucky them, never needing to go to the supermarket with the kids, having time for hobbies etc, I didn't need to listen to them complain.

Ultimately she needs to realise it’s not a competition as to who is tired or stressed as everyone manages it differently and we don’t know what other stressors anyone else is going through.

You are completely within your rights to stop/dial back your relationship onto your own terms.

Does she have domestic help/nanny? She might be very bored / lonely - I know a lot of the expat wives/sahm when I lived overseas were! Are there any expat / social meet up groups/ facebook groups you can signpost her to (or if you’re feeling generous over the summer hols join for the first 1-2 sessions to help her widen her circle)?

It’s fine to distance yourself if you find her company difficult, it’s not fine to regularly cancel play dates as that is messing her about.

Sorry YABU. I've been the trailing expat wife in Asia. It's soul-destroyingly depressing and stressful, especially in a country where you can't do a lot by yourself and can't work without getting deported. I'm looking forward to going back on a work visa this year and actually having the agency to enjoy myself around work. I thought it was fairly well-known in expat circles how bloody hard the "trailing wife" gig is (at least it was amongst everyone I knew, whether they were a trailing wife or a worker).

I think people have a basic temperament that doesn’t change much with their cuircumstances. So some people will still manage to be cheerful in quite difficult situations, and others can complain while they collect their lottery win.

Yep. Some people will manufacture stress and drama regardless of what’s objectively going on with their life. I’d feel sorry for her - with that outlook on life she’ll never be happy. Call her on it cheerfully when she says that stuff and maybe she’ll realise what she’s doing. And then focus on managing your own energy levels and not committing to things you don’t know you’ll feel up to.

Just be honest.

”I think I am the wrong audience for this; I drop Dc off at 8 on my way to my job”

”Sorry, I can’t do a meet up this weekend, I am exhausted and need some one on one relaxation with Dc / DH after our hectic week, and I don’t want to make an arrangement and then cancel when my energy runs out”

” yes, You do seem stressed and tired a lot of the time and that can’t be easy. Have you had your iron levels etc checked? “

If you can’t actually communicate with your friends are they really friends?

I’d be inclined to message her saying you had no idea she had stuff going on that was causing her such stress and you’re really sorry for not realising and is there anything you can help with? And then see what she comes back with.

I understand that she might not have friends but if she, for example, was at home with her child she might have made friends through playgrounds etc? But it’s on her to make the effort to get to know people.

This is similar to people on 3 x my income complaining that they are skint all the time. No idea how privileged they are.

I often make excuses for cancelling playdates (other times I'm just honest about being tired). But she gets very very offended. I recently found out that she told another friend I'm a 'let-down' as I'm always cancelling YABU for being flaky and unreliable

For the rest, just nod and smile

It doesn't sound as though she'll be losing much if you distance yourself so maybe you should do that. You think she complains about being stressed, she thinks you complain too much about how much you have to do. And are a flake. No one seems to be getting much out of this situation.

Of course, that means you'll have to find someone else to feel superior to, but I'm sure you'll manage it.

I had a friend who took a year off work after being made redundant. 2 DC who were in school FT.
I was working FT. Every time I saw her all she did was moan she had ‘no time to herself’ and kept suggesting I took her DC at the weekend as she ‘needed a break’.
In fact her DH who had a stressful job and worked long hours was taking them out every Sunday so she could be at home alone to ‘clean’. So she wanted me to do Saturdays (I have one DC).

Some people are living in their own world.

We all have different stressors and different ways of dealing with them.
You think she has it easy, she may think that you do. Maybe you are both equally stressed for different reasons, maybe you both manage it differently. Neither is right or wrong.

Be her friend or don’t but don’t add friendship to your stress.

It's not a race wh ois more stressed, you do sound very unkind. It's possible for you to have a hectic life and someone else who does not have a big responsible job like your to also feel tired. Maybe she has not much else to talk about so says random stuff, maybe she has MH problems and just feels easily overwhelmed.
Just dont hang out with her, maybe she will find more friends and more sympathetic to the way she feels.

Well surely she could always get a job, like the rest of us!

I wfh full time and have 1 DC in year 4, so I wouldn’t moan how exhausted I am to someone works outside the home with a toddler and a baby. That would make me a dickhead

Misread post in haste

Could it be that she is stressed because she is struggling? If she is an expat and her friends work while her son is at nursery she could be quite lonely. She wants to see you at the weekend when you are not in work (although I work fulltime with dc so get how weekend playdates are not always how you want to spend days off!)

Actually when you live abroad, that's not easy at all. I live in a British overseas territory and there's loads of stay at home British parents who absolutely cannot get a job as the visa requirements are very strict. They are here because their spouse has a job but it's near impossible to get anything outside of law/finance.

This!

I would be a lot more stressed in your friends position. She has far too much time to overthink things and succumb to depression, without a social/support network. She is reliant on someone else financially too.

The grass isn't always greener.

If you are struggling in your situation and don't have time to yourself, it might be worth thinking about making some changes too.