Sahm friend who's son is in nursery all day complains about being stressed. Aibu to be annoyed by this?

[AnneHongKong]

I'm a full time teacher, Head of department with a 5yo and a 2 yo.
I'm actually a British expat living in Asia, teaching at an international school means that my kids can go to the same school as I teach since there's a nursery section there too (makes drop off and pick up much easier so.im.really lucky, but of course means I'll dont even get a 5 min drive to decompress after work like I would if I were picking them up from nursery).

A friend had her baby same month as my 5yo. The kids are really close and he's a really sweet boy...the post is not about him at all.
She is an expat spouse - husband is working here and she's a sahm. Her son goes to nursery full time, has been doing since 6 months old (she has never worked during that time). Nothing wrong at all in that, we all need a break, especially as expats without family around.
Anyway I find myself getting really annoyed when she constantly complains about being stressed, tired, etc. most recently it's the fact that she has to get up early and get her son to nursery before 9am start time (I have to be clocked in work with both kids by 8am).
Then it's constantly how tired/stressed she is, has so much to do, etc.
I'm in school 8-4 then home taking care of the kids alone till 8 when husband gets home (I know most working mum's do that too, not complaining about that).Weekends I'm exhausted so I often make excuses for cancelling playdates (other times I'm just honest about being tired). But she gets very very offended. I recently found out that she told another friend I'm a 'let-down' as I'm always cancelling. Honestly I just want to chill with family or hang out with other working mum's as I feel they understand.
I just feel so guilty as she doesn't have many friends here (not working so not mug chance to meet friends) and no family close by. So I feel that I should be there for her but it's all just really difficult to listen to complaints.
I know advice will probably be to talk to her about it, but I'm just not a person that's comfortable doing that...and I really just don't have the energy.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just hang out for the sake of the kids? Should I distance myself a bit?

I think some people struggle to adjust to being a parent more than others. I definitely did. I know I didn’t cope well tbh.

You friend is obviously very unhappy, no doubt even she doesn't understand why but she must feel dreadful. Try to switch off and/or change the subject when she complains, that must be quite wearing. Things will change for her, she may take her life in hand and effect some change, maybe get a job, but being her is no fun at the moment. I wonder what her husband is like.

If it's all too much, limit the time you spend with her.

Maybe she is tired and stressed. We're all different.

Friends cancelling plans on you multiple times can make you feel shit and stress you out too.

Distance but tell her why. Your work is really exhausting and you don’t want to make arrangements you can’t keep. Then leave her to it. Your dc are friends not you and her, not really - it’s just convenience - so just let her sort herself out and you look after your own energy levels and family.

This is horrible. There's already an element of superiority in the OP but this takes the biscuit.

It’s not a competition! I’m sick of people saying I don’t know tiredness because I don’t have kids.

I wonder if she's a bit depressed. She's no friends, presumably her husband drove the move as its his job....? Moving to a new country and having no family around is generally a huge change. Sounds like she's overwhelmed and generally miserable. It's not your problem as such, and it sounds annoying, I just wonder if rather than hearing the individual things she moan about, you could say something like "it sounds like you're finding things tough right now/overwhelming here, have you thought about talking to a professional/doctor about it"
You don't have to, you could just spend less time with her. You don't owe her anything and you could phase her out slightly or only see her when you really want to.
I also wonder if she feels "less" than you because you're managing so well, in a foreign country, with 2 kids and a great career. Maybe she feels she has to tell you how busy she is to cover up her feeling that she's not as successful/busy.
She just sounds quite unhappy and she might be nicer to hang out with if she got some help. Equally she might just be a really annoying moaner who doesn't read the room or empathise well!

YANBU. I would feel just the same as you.

Keep her as a friend but only arrange get togethers in the school holidays.

If she ever mentions being lonely or not having friends etc maybe suggest she joins a gym/spa and tries to meet others she has things in common with.

Tbh I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Though I understand why.

Everyone has different thresholds with personal resilience and everyone handles stress/challenges or responsibilities in life differently. You operate at a very different threshold to your friend in terms of what's stressful. And often that's to do with priorities. To me it's understandable that if you're isolated and not out and about or being challenged on the regular, things that seem simple to you now could become quite stressful. I thought nothing of presenting to large conferences before I had ds, but after months on maternity leave not seeing that many people my confidence was in my boots returning to work and that took a long time to rebuild. You are used to juggling a crazy amount, tbh you probably don't even really acknowledge the amount you actually hold because that's become normal to you. So in the grand scheme of your priorities, certain things won't seem stressful because of the comparison to other things in your life. Your friend doesn't have that experience. She sounds isolated, very dependent on her partner and its possible she's depressed and therefore more inclined to focus on the negative. I think I'd feel very low in her shoes even though on the surface it looks lovely.

I think if you're cancelling things a lot (even though I fully get why) then it's unreasonable not to think she'll see you as a let down. It's clear your meet ups probably mean more to her than to you because her network is so much smaller. I think it's ok to withdraw if you need to, but then you need to start being more realistic about what you're committing to and stop saying yes to things you don't actually have the ability to follow through on. I do the same, I hold a very busy job and I'm a lone parent and I would have agreed to lots of social things that I genuinely wanted to do, but by the time they came around I was too exhausted to be up to it. I had to learn that it was better to say no initially and pace myself than say yes and then change my mind later. Noone likes a flake so you need to just be more honest with yourself on that and accept your limitations in advance.

It would annoy me, but to be fair so would someone cancelling on me all the time! If you think you’re going to be too tired just don’t make plans.

I know three women who were SAHM expats, didn't work. Hong Kong in those days. Sheesh they were absolutely removed from reality. Two of them had a drink problem even when they came home for good they struggled for a time to reintegrate.

I didn't envy them at all. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Tell me about it! I had a friend whose child was in full time day nursery. She had a cleaner and a gardener and didn't work!

She kept getting peed off with me when I had two under 5s at home and I worked when they were on bed. She couldn't understand why I couldn't keep meeting up for lunch, walks, dinner etc

I was taking care of the kids 7am-7pm, doing all the household stuff and then working 3 hours a day once they were in bed Mon-Fri.

She ended up blocking me and, quite frankly, I was relieved!

I think this is a totally shit post where everyone can have a pop at stay at home mums as you all work and SAHMs couldn’t possibly be stressed because they don’t work!

Personally I’ve been a SAHM and worked and let me tell you being a SAHM was a tougher gig, all day every day I’d take work over it.
Most people I know who have had experiences similar to mine and look forward to going to work for a couple hours away from the mundane of it all. I ended up on antidepressants as I struggled so much being a SAHM and I’m not ashamed to admit that.

You never truly know what’s going on in someone’s life and most of these posts have been vile towards the woman as if it’s some sort of competition about who’s the most stressed and why she has no right to be.

In my experience it can be less stressful working. You're busy with things that are interesting and fulfilling, have social contact with colleagues and professional contact with others, you're more of a 'person'.

I've also been in your friend's position (but with the kids in my full time care, I was never interested in putting my kids in childcare) and it's much more stressful being 'someone's wife' and being invisible, in some ways. Especially when an expat overseas. Being a trailing wife is it's own kind of stress.

I think you're a bit judgey because we're all different and cope with different things in different ways. It's not your problem to solve, that's hers, but you never really know what's going on for someone else. She's actually coping with a lot of transition - to parenthood, to another country. You and her DH were going 'to' something (jobs). Where was she going to? She's a trailing wife and probably lost more than she anticipated.

A friend of mine had her baby whilst husband in Saudi - shd lived there with him, so SAHM. It drove her into a depression and frankly that’s what this sounds like to me too.

Fair enough but she could think of something to do then moan about how ‘busy’ she is.

I kind of understand both sides of this. I had a friend who was put on garden leave from his tech job while he moved to another one and he found he was constantly exhausted even though he had literally nothing to do all day. I think unfortunatley, life is just tiring, no matter what you do or don't do. It just is.

If she's annoying you, it's probably fine to distance yourself. You being annoyed at her will not make her isolation easier, or your exhaustion easier. She may find other people who she can have fun with.

I'm a SAHM and I've always found that it was better to hang out with retired people as they understood me and I understood them.

I used to feel that way about parents of only two children who complained about how hard it was. Then I gained some maturity and perspective and realised we all have different coping abilities and what I find easy, might actually be hard for others.

Maybe her DH gives her a huge load at home or there's something else you don't know about? There's probably a reason she has a six month old in full time daycare while she's at home. Wonder if she has PPD? I hope she can make a good friend soon as that might help.

I think this is probably also true. Being isolated at home is really hard and it is worse when abroad. I lived abroad as a child and the only time my Mum was really happy was when she had a job. When she didn't have a job she had no support around her and was constantly overwhelmed and miserable with the isolation.

It doesn't mean that you should put pressure on your friend to get a job though. That might just not be within her range at the moment. You don't know what is going on with her kids and family for example. You may have much easier kids then her.

People have different stress levels. It’s not a competition.

It's not hard. An expat moves abroad temporarily for their job and for the length of their contract or at the whim of their employer and with their living costs met or subsidised.
An immigrant moves to another country with the intention of living there permanently, finds work with a local company/institution, and is responsible financially for themselves and their family.

Most teachers in international schools abroad are on short contracts, with subsidised housing. So expats.

You need to own it and say no more often. Tell her you’re exhausted etc. if she doesn’t understand/listen then it isn’t an equal friendship. Her life is very different to yours, maybe she needs some distractions in life. Hence her stressing the smaller stuff compared to your job.

1. Don't be flaky, that's shitty behaviour.
2. I agree with the posters who said being unemployed (and no young children at home) makes the mind do weird things. The two most easily stressed people I know are unemployed, or work part time, and neither has children. One gets agitated if their socks aren't lined up by colour on the clothes horse to dry. One cried because there was a minor mistake on a bill they got in the post. Your friend may be very very stressed, even if the stressors are incomprehensible to you.
3. I would find it difficult to be around this person, for the reasons you do. There's no overlap at all in your experiences or perspectives at the moment. Stop making plans with her.

Yanbu if you don't like her company but Yabu for cancelling playdates that's flaky and a shitty thing to do.