Sahm friend who's son is in nursery all day complains about being stressed. Aibu to be annoyed by this?

[AnneHongKong]

I'm a full time teacher, Head of department with a 5yo and a 2 yo.
I'm actually a British expat living in Asia, teaching at an international school means that my kids can go to the same school as I teach since there's a nursery section there too (makes drop off and pick up much easier so.im.really lucky, but of course means I'll dont even get a 5 min drive to decompress after work like I would if I were picking them up from nursery).

A friend had her baby same month as my 5yo. The kids are really close and he's a really sweet boy...the post is not about him at all.
She is an expat spouse - husband is working here and she's a sahm. Her son goes to nursery full time, has been doing since 6 months old (she has never worked during that time). Nothing wrong at all in that, we all need a break, especially as expats without family around.
Anyway I find myself getting really annoyed when she constantly complains about being stressed, tired, etc. most recently it's the fact that she has to get up early and get her son to nursery before 9am start time (I have to be clocked in work with both kids by 8am).
Then it's constantly how tired/stressed she is, has so much to do, etc.
I'm in school 8-4 then home taking care of the kids alone till 8 when husband gets home (I know most working mum's do that too, not complaining about that).Weekends I'm exhausted so I often make excuses for cancelling playdates (other times I'm just honest about being tired). But she gets very very offended. I recently found out that she told another friend I'm a 'let-down' as I'm always cancelling. Honestly I just want to chill with family or hang out with other working mum's as I feel they understand.
I just feel so guilty as she doesn't have many friends here (not working so not mug chance to meet friends) and no family close by. So I feel that I should be there for her but it's all just really difficult to listen to complaints.
I know advice will probably be to talk to her about it, but I'm just not a person that's comfortable doing that...and I really just don't have the energy.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just hang out for the sake of the kids? Should I distance myself a bit?

As another Brit living abroad, in a popular destination for Brits, I think one thing that frequently happens is we become friends with people we don't necessarily have much in common with purely because we landed in the same place at the same time and happen to speak the same language. At first, the socials are nice and there's a shared experience to chat about. But over time, the differences become apparent.

You just don't have anything in common. I can't be friends with SAHMs because I work Monday - Friday (when they're looking for company) and then the weekends I want to spend with my family. Time for socials are for my closest friends.

Also, I fucking hate playdates and "mum" friends. My entire life is working and being a mum. If I make time for a social, it has to be with real friends, not women who randomly gave birth at the same time as me.

I think you are overcommitting and when it comes to the weekend, you realise you don't like this person and can't be arsed. That's OK. What is not ok is to agree to a playdate in the first place.

Stop making plans with the woman. Loneliness and boredom do.plsy into stress. You're not obliged to entertain her in your downtime. She needs to find ways of filling her time without relying on other people.

WTF is she doing all day? Poor kid.

I guess everyone operates differently. Her stress levels are higher, the state of her mental health can drain her out, her energy levels, hormones etc etc. No 2 women are the same. So she could genuinely be stressed out? Sometimes being a Sahm can be more difficult than working because when you're at work as tiring as it can be you're stimulated and the expectations are just different.

It sounds like she is not enjoying being a mother

I’m a SAHM if you can call it that when both of mine are in preschool full time. I still get stressed but about different things compared to when I was working full time and trying to juggle everything. Now, for example, my days are still busy because I place higher expectations on myself in terms of housework, gardening, home cooked meals, pack lunches, home admin and other very boring stuff. I manage to fill my time doing stuff I’d never give two fucks about when working full time, like cleaning the windows and the oven regularly, dusting the skirting boards, making my own bread, keeping the garden beautiful, running errands for the elderly people in my life, having a chat with my lonely neighbour each day, creating meals the kids will eat that are nutritionally sound and varied. It was obviously stressful working full time but I relied heavily on my DH to pull his weight with everything at home so the stress of the housework was less at least. I think some people are able to find stress in whatever they do and maybe your friend is one of them. She won’t have the same stress of finding enough time to get the basics done at home, like anyone who works full time, but she will have her own stresses to worry about.

Honestly I've never been more miserable than the times I've been out of work, even when there haven't been financial concerns. Life lacks a lot of focus and small stresses become quite big.

What a horrible, judgy thread.

Was just going to say exactly the same. When you have a lot of time on your hands you spend a lot of time in your own head and you develop unhelpful thinking habits as a result, like perfectionism.

COVID did that to me. I ended up with quite severe health anxiety. Maternity leave messed with my head also.

Anyone is allowed to say they are stressed or tired, it’s not a competition. There are bound to be people in more difficult circumstances than you who might think your life doesn’t sound stressful at all. Besides, you may not be aware of everything that is going on in your friend’s life. On the other hand, it does sound like she needs to get better at “reading the room”.

YABVU. You have no idea how difficult life might be for her so don’t be so mean and judgemental.
Do you think that rich people have no reason to be depressed too?

She just doesn’t get your busy life. The busier you are, the more you are capable of juggling. Reminds me of my mum who hasn’t worked since 1971. She once said to me “Oh darling, you look so tired. Just phone your boss tomorrow and tell them that you need a day off” 🫤

What a mean thing to say, you have no idea what’s going on in this other lady’s life.

OP, stop being flakey on plans. It’s really annoying and upsetting when it happens time and time again. I think you sound quite judgemental. I have a 2 year old, I’m 32 weeks pregnant and I’m a stay at home Mum (I will be until baby is 2 and we are not having anymore) but it doesn’t mean I don’t get stressed or tired.

Some of us are just naturally more resilient and don't get stressed...I'm a single parent, run a hospitality business with 10 staff, currently buying a house and I'm certainly not visibly/consciously stressed although I'm not sleeping as well as I could.

My friend's dh worked offshore for years, she juggled dc, pets, job and I never saw her stressed.

I feel sorry for people who are so easily stressed out, it's rare that anything is a huge, unsurmountable issue, just get on with it, without moaning I say!

Why poor kid?

Stress is completely subjective so it’s really not fair to judge people harshly even if on the surface their life appears easier. So YABU from that perspective.

YABU also for repeatedly cancelling play dates. I’d leave it more open by saying you’ll see how you feel at the weekend and if you have energy. But if she wants a definite answer then say no.

So you got a sponsored job and she is potentially a trailing spouse. Doesn’t mean she can’t be stressed by her circumstances. Hard to gauge her true situation/ household dynamics from your post,

Being an expat is hard and lonely at times - particularly if you don’t work as you rightfully pointed out. If you don’t enjoy the chat stop agreeing to play dates and then cancelling! Surely it’s the children that are being let down.

As a stay at home mom who works a few hours a month I can say it’s the hardest thing I have ever done. I worked full time for over 20 years and nothing prepared me for this. It’s lonely, hard, the only person I see all day is a wild 4 year old and as much as I love him, it’s draining. I have no one else to look after him other than my husband who is at work. My son goes to nursery for 3 hours a day. I spend that 3 hours rushing around trying and failing to get my act together. Work managing a team of 20 was the easier option. Not sure how she’s so stressed as she doesn’t have them all day however the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. If your kids are friends then is it worth spoiling that?

I thinks she's probably embarrassed to have nothing going on. When you have no stress little things become really stressful. My mum was a serious career woman who couldn't have given less of a toss about cooking, cleaning etc Now ahe gets stressed out if she doesn't know what's on the menu every night for dinner a week in advance!

some people are just like this they could be busy in an empty room
eyetoll and ignore

I kind off topic but fyi an immigrant is someone who moves to a country they are not born for ever, usually due to economic reasons to get a better life. It will be hard for them to go back to their home country and they don’t intend to. They apply for jobs, take mortgages, make their life in the new country. An expat is someone who is sent to a different country by their employee with the idea to be back to their home country in a few years. They are in expat packages, meaning house is paid, they have a few return trips home paid and they might have other benefits like school fees, relocation bonus etc.

If you need to distance yourself a bit from her do, but everyone is entitled to find what they find hard.

I couldn’t be friends with her. What does she do with her time? If she’s that exhausted, she can go back to bed, or drop the child off a bit later. I’d have binned her off a long time ago. Tone deaf.

Reading some the responses on here, supporting the friend, there are a lot of people who don't live in the real world on this site!

You know, it could be laziness, but don’t discount the possibility that something is going on with her health-wise. Let’s not forget, for example, about iron/vitamin deficiencies or post-natal depression. I lost a lot of energy compared to pre-kids, possibly due to a botched epidural that brought on the whole host of neurosurgical problems, possibly due to ageing. I sometimes berate myself for being lazy.