Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TW - SA. To think that infidelity is rape

130 replies

Driftingawaynow · 08/07/2025 12:41

Just interested in opinions here. I’ve been in relationships where my partner has been unfaithful and continued to sleep with me
i think part of the trauma of finding out is knowing that you’ve had sex with someone when if you’d have known you would not have done it.
So youve been tricked into having sex. That’s not consent, so is it rape?
I’ve also been raped in the more traditional sense whatever that means
if it is rape, what are the implications if we become aware that someone else is the victim of infidelity and they don’t know..

OP posts:
WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 08/07/2025 12:43

Technically , you’re right. Legally , practically and socially though, you know it will never be seen as such.

JHound · 08/07/2025 12:45

I get where you are coming from but no it is not rape.

I do think there is a grey area of how we view things where consent is expressly based on XX (i.e “I only consent to have sex with you IF you are not having sex with others”) and they have sex with others it’s like theft of consent. But the criteria on which consent is based on would have to be clearly expressed. (I doubt this is the case in your example.)

But even that would not apply to you as you know your partner is a cheat and continue to have sex with them.

DiscoBob · 08/07/2025 12:45

Well by law it isn't rape. It could be part of coercive control or some other pattern of unlawful behaviour though.

I mean if it was, every single person who's sexually active and was sleeping with more than one person (without the others knowledge) would be guilty.

As you know, the feeling of betrayal over someone cheating is different to actually being physically or mentally forced to have sex.

minipie · 08/07/2025 12:48

I get what you mean - it wasn’t properly informed consent. But legally it’s not rape.

Deception can sometimes negate consent and then it is rape. But the deception has to be connected with the sex act eg “yes I am wearing a condom” when they’re not. A lie about circumstances, like saying they are single when actually married, or faithful when not, doesn’t count.

WhySoManySocks · 08/07/2025 12:48

YABU. So very much.

Infidelity can be heartbreaking and a massive betrayal. So can being fired from work or dumped by someone you loved. None of those things however are sexual assault and all the horrors that go with it.

VERY unreasonable and insulting to victims of SA.

Lavenderforest · 08/07/2025 12:48

Prepared to be told I’m wrong but

Although this is an awful act of betrayal, no, I wouldn’t class that as rape. Actually I find it a bit unreasonable to try to compare them.

I believe there is a law about knowing you have an sti and passing that onto someone. I also think it’s disgusting and heartbreaking to find out someone has been sleeping with someone else behind your back. But no, it’s not rape.

Bingbangboo · 08/07/2025 12:49

It's an interesting thought. Sort of along the lines of 'stealthing' where you wouldn't have given consent if you knew a condom was removed.

Lavenderforest · 08/07/2025 12:49

WhySoManySocks · 08/07/2025 12:48

YABU. So very much.

Infidelity can be heartbreaking and a massive betrayal. So can being fired from work or dumped by someone you loved. None of those things however are sexual assault and all the horrors that go with it.

VERY unreasonable and insulting to victims of SA.

Yeah I get this. Imagine talking to a friend who’s been raped and saying “I know how you feel, I slept with Tommy for 2 months without knowing he was sleeping with Jenny behind my back”

It is awful, but it’s not rape and not comparable

Original poster
Driftingawaynow · 08/07/2025 12:50

So in my case, I did ask him if he was being faithful and he said he was.
if I had suspicions and continued to do it, despite his reassurance, I think to blame me would have be victim blaming
Obviously legally it is not rape, but I’m asking morally. And yes absolutely a lot of people would find themselves being labelled as such, but that doesn’t mean the label isn’t accurate in itself.
my experience was that I was drug raped when I was a virgin by someone who was a complete stranger to me. I can honestly say the trauma of infidelity was worse by an order of magnitude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Driftingawaynow · 08/07/2025 12:51

minipie · 08/07/2025 12:48

I get what you mean - it wasn’t properly informed consent. But legally it’s not rape.

Deception can sometimes negate consent and then it is rape. But the deception has to be connected with the sex act eg “yes I am wearing a condom” when they’re not. A lie about circumstances, like saying they are single when actually married, or faithful when not, doesn’t count.

Interesting, but why doesn’t it count?

OP posts:
Original poster
Driftingawaynow · 08/07/2025 12:53

And for people saying it’s insulting to victims of SA to ask tho- as mentioned above, I have also been “properly raped” and was sexually abused as a child, and have had multiple instances of being sexually assaulted by men over the years as many women have. I think it’s okay to have a discussion about this, and I feel comfortable that I’m allowed to talk about it without people jumping on me and trying to shame me

OP posts:
JudgeBread · 08/07/2025 12:53

I've experienced both too and I do get where you're coming from.

It's a violation, it makes you feel dirty and betrayed and like you've had your agency and choice taken away. A lot of the same feelings and emotions. Legally and socially I doubt it'll ever be seen the same, but I understand the similarities in feeling and emotional response.

Sorry you've been through either OP, hope you're doing ok 💐

RonObvious · 08/07/2025 12:54

I had this conversation with someone a while back - she had a friends with benefits setup, on the proviso he was single. Turned out he wasn’t. I agree that that makes the sex non-consensual. Doesn’t mean that I think she has a case to report him to the police or anything, but I still believe it’s non-consensual sex. I get that it’s a different trauma to being physically forced, but, as someone on here said once, a pickpocket and an armed robber are both thieves.

FourLove · 08/07/2025 12:54

Not rape, but arguably deception.

CriticalOverthinking · 08/07/2025 12:56

It’s an interesting question, as JHound says if consent is expressly and clearly with the condition of exclusivity but that’s not a conversion most have before every sexual encounter with a partner.

i can’t imagine rape being pursued in this context though. As awful as it is having someone cheat on you

minnienono · 08/07/2025 12:57

It’s deceit not rape

Kinneddar · 08/07/2025 12:57

Noones jumping on you or trying to shame me. Theyre just, rightly, saying the scenario you've outlined is NOT rape.

Lavenderforest · 08/07/2025 12:58

Kinneddar · 08/07/2025 12:57

Noones jumping on you or trying to shame me. Theyre just, rightly, saying the scenario you've outlined is NOT rape.

People ask for your opinions on MN then get upset when you give them.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 08/07/2025 12:58

Driftingawaynow · 08/07/2025 12:50

So in my case, I did ask him if he was being faithful and he said he was.
if I had suspicions and continued to do it, despite his reassurance, I think to blame me would have be victim blaming
Obviously legally it is not rape, but I’m asking morally. And yes absolutely a lot of people would find themselves being labelled as such, but that doesn’t mean the label isn’t accurate in itself.
my experience was that I was drug raped when I was a virgin by someone who was a complete stranger to me. I can honestly say the trauma of infidelity was worse by an order of magnitude.

You had suspicions but did it anyway, you gave consent and it was not rape. It just isn’t. Yes it’s piss poor treatment and a rubbish relationship, you deserve much better. But it isn’t rape.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/07/2025 12:59

It’s not nice and it’s deceptive, but it’s not rape- legally or morally.

Where would that end? Humans are not
perfect and they do lie, that’s not pretty or nice but it’s true.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 08/07/2025 13:00

Driftingawaynow · 08/07/2025 12:53

And for people saying it’s insulting to victims of SA to ask tho- as mentioned above, I have also been “properly raped” and was sexually abused as a child, and have had multiple instances of being sexually assaulted by men over the years as many women have. I think it’s okay to have a discussion about this, and I feel comfortable that I’m allowed to talk about it without people jumping on me and trying to shame me

You may feel it’s ok, but plenty of other victims will feel differently. That isn’t shaming you, you opened up this conversation and asked for opinions. These are the opinions

whitewineandsun · 08/07/2025 13:01

WhySoManySocks · 08/07/2025 12:48

YABU. So very much.

Infidelity can be heartbreaking and a massive betrayal. So can being fired from work or dumped by someone you loved. None of those things however are sexual assault and all the horrors that go with it.

VERY unreasonable and insulting to victims of SA.

I actually agree with this.

DrowningInSyrup · 08/07/2025 13:01

Driftingawaynow · 08/07/2025 12:50

So in my case, I did ask him if he was being faithful and he said he was.
if I had suspicions and continued to do it, despite his reassurance, I think to blame me would have be victim blaming
Obviously legally it is not rape, but I’m asking morally. And yes absolutely a lot of people would find themselves being labelled as such, but that doesn’t mean the label isn’t accurate in itself.
my experience was that I was drug raped when I was a virgin by someone who was a complete stranger to me. I can honestly say the trauma of infidelity was worse by an order of magnitude.

But is the trauma the fact that you had sex with him whilst he was being unfaithful or that he was cheating on you? There is a whole lot more to infidelity than just continuing to have sex with the wife.

Personally I think that the two things are very different. People lie to get others into bed all the time, if the sex is consensual then yes it's immoral but a long way from rape.

I agree with pp I think it is an insult to people who have actually been sexually abused. Infidelity and Rape are two very different things.

chattyness · 08/07/2025 13:01

No infidelity is not rape, you consented to sex with your partner , you weren't tricked into it, one had nothing to do with the other. If you'd known he'd been unfaithful then you wouldn't have consented would you.

Original poster
Driftingawaynow · 08/07/2025 13:02

ToKittyornottoKitty · 08/07/2025 12:58

You had suspicions but did it anyway, you gave consent and it was not rape. It just isn’t. Yes it’s piss poor treatment and a rubbish relationship, you deserve much better. But it isn’t rape.

Show quote history

Actually, I believed him. I was adding it hypothetically, because even if I had suspicions I feel if you’re giving consent based on fidelity, and then it turns out the person was unfaithful, the consent is invalid.
I’m just curious about this, and I guess wanting a bit more of an explanation than “it just isn’t rape”

OP posts: