To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

No, his other family are including him and their son. False equivalence.

Why are you arguing the toss with everyone on a hypothetical? Seriously...it makes no sense.

You've already said the abroad holiday with his dad isn't happening - so why do you keep saying "but if he's abroad with his dad I don't see the problem" he's not abroad with his dad, he's not going to be and as far as you know his dad has made zero plans for his week there that's the truth, the long and short of it that's in your OP. So stop saying but, but, but - it's just annoying.

With the information provided yes YABU...if you want to take your other children for a UK break you can just about justify it by saying he'll be doing nice things with his dad - but taking them abroad when you know he'll be stuck in the UK is really unfair on him.

I have a 15yo DS from a previous relationship who spends 70/30 in favour of his dad (bigger house, own room, we let DS choose and since around 13 he's chosen that) and he's invited on every trip, if I can't afford it with him then I can't afford it.
As he's gotten older he's said he doesn't want to come with myself and DH and his small HS as it's boring for him - that's fine with us but the invite always happens.

I wonder if your new partner loves your son as much as he does his own biological children?

"I think people have got the image that he’s a severely disadvantaged child, excluded from family life and lives in the cupboard under the stairs."

No not in the least. I get that all your children are very privileged. But there isn't a level of privilege above which it's fine to play favourites. Treating them equally is an important tenet right the way up the social scale.

Even adults are very sensitive to rejection, and your son is not approaching this with an adult's fully developed frontal cortex. An adult in an established friendship group would likely be very hurt if the rest of the group booked a holiday away without inviting her. How much worse when you're only a teen, your brain is emotional, reactive and in a developmental stage where it's super-sensitised to "othering", you have no power, and it's your mum making the decision to exclude you. Teens are tribal at this age - you're in or out - and he has all the baggage of your family set up on top priming him to feel this deeply.

if you cannot afford to take all DC then just don't go. You had a 3 week long big holiday this year already. Would it kill you to arrange the week away in the Summer so all DC can come go? Clearly something is wrong with your priorities. I would dream of leaving a child out of a holiday to make it affordable. I simply don't go. Sorted..

@Suncloudstars

Serious question - if all 3 of your children were with your DH (no step-parents or exes involved) what would you do re this holiday?

Would you take all 3 kids?

Would you not go because you can't afford it?

Or would you compromise and do a UK / drivable Europe holiday (France, Belgium etc)?

Because whatever the answer is, is what you should do here.

Thank you. If we scale down the size of the trip - would people still feel i was purposely excluding him? A trip to the park with the girls whilst he’s at his dad’s? No you can’t do that - that’s exclusion. McDonald’s? No that’s exclusion.

Yes a holiday is a bigger thing, but when he has plenty of amazing trips with us throughout his life anyway, the grandiosity of a holiday probably isn’t as grand to him as it is to other children. Not that he takes it for granted by any means, but hopefully my point is taken in the right way?

maybe that just makes me a bad person for thinking that though, judging by a lot of people’s opinions?

It's really concerning that you think this way. He is always going to be a little outside of both families because he is split between them. So no the memories he has of a holiday with his dad's new family aren't going to comfort him when his mum's new family are reminiscing and sharing in jokes about their experiences at the holiday he was excluded from.

Why do people just assume that a kids preference would be for their parents to be together - at all costs it appears.

Mine split up when I was 8. I lived with my Dad after that. And after on my stepmom also.

My parents weren't good together. Tbh I have very few memories of them being anything more than civil to each other. Do remember them doing literally everything seperately. ( Inc meals ) or arguing.

I was happy growing up with my dad and stepmom. My brothers ( one full one half ) were happy growing up with mum and stepdad.

But I don't remember this big palaver if for example mum took the boys to do something but not me, Or dad or my nana did somehing with me but not the boys

And things like Xmas were good. Would have breakfast and open presents with Dad. Late afternoon would go to mums and have dinner and more presents. In fact I thing was youngest bro ( the one living with both his parents) that missed out. One set of gifts, one nice meal ( his dad always worked Xmas morning) whereas the rest of us had 2 Xmas in one day.

I never once wished my parents stated together. Life was much happier once they divorced

It’s irrelevant if he goes away with his Dad, you are excluding him from the family holiday. You can’t afford to go away this year! Do you not buy birthday gifts as his Dad is buying him one? He will feel left out and unwanted.

Jesus Christ!!!!

If you scale down the size of the trip then you can most likely afford to take him!!! So then take him on a week (out of the 6-7 weeks summer holidays) when he isn't with his dad!!!!

Your DS has been part of this " 2 New Families set up" since he was 2yrs old.

This is all he has even known. It's not his fault his parents divorced and set up 2 new families.
In his mind, he belongs to both equally. What he does, or where he goes on holiday with his Dad's family is none of your business.

You have spent the entire thread trying to justify your actions in leaving him behind and taking the opportunity when he is with his dad for the week.

He is only 14yrs old, take 2 mins to put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you would feel if your mum and DS's took off for a holiday without you.
You will never be able to take that back.

What's the plan for future years?, he came on a holiday abroad so we can leave him behind for our second one?

Just because he has a different dad, doesn't mean he should be treated differently to the other children in the family.

Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself!
At the end of the day, its how you are going to make him feel about himself and his position in the family that's most important.

Do you do anything just with DS that doesn’t include his sisters? Days out etc where he has his mum to himself?

Not at all, I’m just trying to discuss the logic that I had and work out if i truly am in the wrong for thinking that.

Not defending op but I agree with you. When my parents finally split when I was 13 I could have cried from relief. Only reason they split was because we went to a second refuge and social told her to decide. I doubt that's the situation here so can't speak for the 14 year old, but I do agree with you. Op this is a horrible idea to do to your son though

Yes, because she decided to make them exist. She gave him half sisters, he didn't ask for them. She needed to think very carefully about how having more children would affect the one she already had, as every parent should. In her situation more than most.

Just curious, but is it your DP who is pushing for a holiday with just the four of you?

The vast majority of people here aren’t in blended families OP, or able to afford multiple expensive holidays. So they’re looking at it through different lenses.

You know your son. If it feels fine to you, do it. If it’s likely to upset him, scale it back to a “girls’ spa weekend” and a city break rather than a full holiday.

So often on here the adults who were once kids in this situation reflect back and say they felt like part of NEITHER family rather than an integral member of two families.

On the side that it's not on OP to be the only one taking her son abroad on holiday and his dad should also take a turn - I'm sure he would appreciate a holiday, abroad or not, with his dad and that side of the family.
But that's also a tricky conversation to have with a teenager, so I feel for you OP!

Leave your DP at home, take the 3 children.

You are in the wrong. Is this clearer? You are turning yourself inside out to justify the unjustifiable. It's mean. You will hurt your son.

So why should her daughters have fewer holidays than her son? Given that both sides of DS’s family can afford multiple holidays.

No and I can't believe you'd even consider it.

For me that would change things yes because everyone gets the same.