To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

I don’t disagree.

What is it that makes you so keen to do this? You seem really really eager to find a way to exclude him. Why?

Is it gender bias? I know so many women who wanted daughters and favour their daughters over their sons

Do you just not like your son that much?

Do you feel ashamed of being a blended family and like to be able to pretend it isn't really the case?

Does your DH not like your DS?

Exactly this. Your son must feel scarred by his parents’ splitting up, unable to maintain a happy and supportive marriage in which to raise him. He never chose any this, and you’re asking us whether it’s ok to go away on holiday without him, only taking your ‘new’ family??

Why don’t you just admit your going to do this regardless of what other mums are saying. Yes it’s a horrible thing to do to your son you have the money to choose to include or exclude your son and you are choosing to exclude him you don’t really want others people advice you only want them to justify your shitty parenting/behaviour. Poor boy in you house even his step father hasn’t told you whst a shitty idea this is. Glad to hear he has a decent actual father. Yes even tho you deny it divorce effects children but usually mums dont pile more crap onto of that. According the you his life is wonderful- is it really? Take another look at yourself if you are able too without being so utterly defensive it’s your child we are talking about here OP. Stop take a breath and look more objectively at your attitude

If this was posted from the perspective of DS’s stepmum, she’d be absolutely torn apart for saying OP shouldn’t go 😂

This site hates a blended family.

Of course it’s completely unfair to exclude him from a family unit holiday. You’re his mother, what he does when he is with his father is totally separate to you and absolutely nothing to do with your shared child with your current partner. You should treat all your children equally within your means and household. Just because your ex can afford to take his child on holiday with his money on his time, that’s his business.

Fairness doesn’t come into it because your DD’s life is completely separate to your son’s life when he’s with his father. It’s the life that’s with you that matters here. You chose to create that potential dynamic of your children having different opportunities when you decided to have other children with someone else. Thats life and it’s down to you to manage your daughters expectations within the realms of what’s reasonable. It’s not down to your sons father to have to compensate because you’re potentially choosing to be an inadequate parent by taking advantage of your ex’s money to “free up” money to take your DD on holiday. Thats a “you” problem. You’re favouring your daughter over your son in this situation and if we can see this then eventually your son will too if he hasn’t already. Pull this type of shit and don’t be surprised when you come to have a fractured relationship with your son when he gets older. And no that’s not melodramatic, it’s the truth. Your cheek is unbelievable, pull yourself together.

If you can’t afford to take all of your children on holiday then don’t take any of them. If you can’t afford to take all of them then do that. It’s literally that simple.

Over 500 people have voted and the vote it is almost unanimous. If you’re still arguing and trying to ‘see if you’re truly wrong’, you’re not ready to be wrong.

Parents should treat their children equally. Not doing so makes you a shitty parent. What you’re proposing is not treating your children equally. Whatever additional holidays/perks/bonding he might do with his father is irrelevant to that fact that you will not be treating your children equally. It’s extremely straightforward.

So, you can:

• Pick a different week and go on holiday with all your kids.
• Not go on this holiday.
• Treat your kids unequally.

Those are your options.

What you also don’t seem to be acknowledging is that in all of this your DS is the only child caught between two households, and how that might make him feel sometimes. Not the case for any of his siblings - just him.

Also, you can’t seriously equate a holiday abroad with a trip to McDonald’s. If he’s become that laissez-faire about holidays then he’s a hugely spoilt brat and that’s a totally different issue. Or is it just you being daft?

No I wouldn’t. The purpose of a holiday is to spend time together as a family. He would be missing out on time
with his family (ie you, his step sisters and step dad)

I think you need to talk to him, and to his dad. I can appreciate that a holiday which caters for two little girls is not going to necessarily appeal to a 14 year old, so it very much depends on what sort of a holiday his dad was thinking of. A boys week fishing and camping with both boys might be something that appeals more than a UK seaside cottage holiday.

I do agree with you that they should be treated fairly and she should include him, but your comment about "stuck in this country, no holiday abroad" cracks me up 😂 😆.

His sisters should get as many holidays as their parents can afford. So should he. However, as he and his sisters do not have the same parents, that may not be the same number of holidays.

I think if this was my family and we’d been together since DS was two I’d find it hard to imagine wanting to go on holiday with only two of the three children. The arrangements with his Dad would be irrelevant, if we were going on holiday I’d make it when we were all available. That said, I have a 14yo and he’d be mature enough to have a conversation about it. Why not talk to him about it? Don’t make it about the money though. More just ‘we were thinking of going away for a week with the girls whilst you’re at your Dad’s but I wouldn’t want you to feel left out… what do you think?’

???? Firstly she says in her OP that her ex probably isn't even taking her son abroad.

Secondly, it's not a competition!!!

My DSD gets more holidays than her brother because she gets holidays with her mum AND holidays with us. Her brother has his mum and dad at home so just gets the holidays with them.

You say you're so well off and go on so many holidays, so if you exclude him this time it's really just for the sake of it. Go on a trip you can afford to take him on, or don't go at all. If he would prefer not to go, then that's a different matter.

You're getting a hard time here OP, and with reasonable justification, but I can see there a few nuances that might make a difference.

What exactly is it that you've got in mind for your trip? Is it somewhere he would love to go, somewhere he would be so-so about, or somewhere that actually he would be bored senseless by, because it's geared around your two DDs?

We have 3 DC and take 90% of our family holidays together, but we have occasionally taken advantage of the fact that one DC isn't around (for example on a school trip) to fit in a trip that is geared around the other two. Likewise we've also done a couple of trips where one parent has taken one DC, to do something focused on their special interests.

Obviously your situation is different, but if you can say hand on heart that your DS would genuinely be non-plussed or quietly relieved to be off with his dad instead, then I think it's OK, because it is comparable to what would happen in a non-blended family. Still needs to be handled sentitively though.

If it is about saving money for a trip he'd really enjoy, then YABVU.

I agree.
it doesn't sound like he has 2 full families. Sounds like he has a lovely 'full' family on his dad's side.
and a part time family on his mums.

I have no idea how a mother, regardless of the dads holidays or plans, could exclude their child.
how can a mother exclude a son and take the other kids abroad, over planning a smaller UK holiday where it benefits them all.
it's all well and good saying that they all feel the same but OPs kids with the newer bloke aren't having to share their time with their mum.

what an awful thing to put a kid through. And to be so blaze about divorce not affecting him? How could you possibly know.

Exactly, which is what OP is proposing.

When I say “us”, I’m referring to his “mum family”, rather than his “dad family”. I’m not using “us” as a separation between me/dp/dd’s and then DS.

Obviously you all continue to live when your DS isn't there but 'going to the park' or 'going to a restaurant' is not a reasonable analogy. Holidays (even if you have a few a year) are big deals, especially to kids.

Regardless, you are missing the point - you could choose to go when he is there but you are purposely choosing to go when he is not there. You are excluding him because you'd rather have a slightly nicer holiday for 4, than a less nice holiday for 5. That is what will make him feel like shit.

Of course you are unreasonable to do this! My ds has been promised countless holidays with his dad, not one time has it ever materialised. Myself and DH have only been away once without him and that was because he was on a school trip to France and we went to Wales. We wouldn't dream of going on a holiday without him otherwise. He's 17 and still loves coming on holiday with us.

I think this is shitty parenting on your part to get one over the "system" of your separation.

It will not always be the same to be fair, but you do need to not take advantage of him being away- that is so damaging!

I would actually say this scenario is also exclusion if you only choose to go out to eat etc. when he's at his dad's, with the express purpose of saving the cost of his meal. Eventually he would notice this pattern.

Just take the L.

But that doesn't mean your ex has to do what you do

And your son didn't choose to have two families

How does that work then?

You're saying they should all be treated equally but then actually prioritising the ds as if OP takes your advice and doesn't take the girls away the ds will have had one more holiday than them.