To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

It’s a horrible idea and would surely make him feel really pushed out, as if you don’t feel he is a proper part of your family.

Poor boy! You clearly favour his half siblings. It’s not his fault that your relationship with his dad failed. Treat him as though he matters as much to you as your other children.

It looks like you love your new daughters more than your son.

He is by no means disadvantaged or excluded in anything that we do as a family.

You're considering excluding him this time. What's changed?

I think your DS would be very hurtful
Going without him has massive implications and he would likely, probably quietly, carry the hurt within him for years. You sound as though you have made a very successful blended family with your ds feeling just as valued as his two half sisters, even though they get to live with both their mum and dad full time and he doesn't. As he only stays one week's summer holiday with dad and the rest with you, it's clear that his home with you is his main home. It's pretty pointed to go away without him the one week he's at dad. There is far more than money involved here. If for example, one of your dds was away on a school holiday for a week, would you choose that week to go abroad with your Ds and other DD? I doubt it ...even though you could legitimately argue that she had enjoyed a holiday at the same time and had same money spent on her
If your DH is a very good stepdad, he may still wish you could have some holiday space as just 'you four'. I can understand that and maybe there is part of you who would like that as well. But be careful here, 14 years old boys can be very sensitive. I'm not suggesting he isn't very much loved, but he is the one 'blending in' with two families and if this is working well I wouldn't spoil it for a weeks holiday. How are you going to tell him op? How will it be when the time comes for you all, his family,bro go off without him? How will you manage talking about/ not talking about the fun you had when you get back? Seeing his hurt face? Even if he says nothing. On a few years he will be off on holiday with friends and won't want to come with you. I would wait until then.💐

You seem as if you have already decided and will not listen when the 94% of us mums are telling you it is a horrible/sh!tty thing for a mum do to their child but because he has “another” family (thank goodness who hopefully treat him fairer than you and your husband) in your mind it ok to do yhis to your son. Its not ok please listen to everyone here this is your son snd at end of day go on a less expensive holiday so you can take ALL your children not just the select few (ie favourite new family) Honestly i do wonders about some parenting skill

So if it's not about affordability, what is it about that one week which makes it the best choice for your family holiday?

I think this update has made it worse not better. As if it's not about not being able to afford to take him, it's presumably that you don't want to take him, just take your perfect girls.

Well I’m sure it would but you didn’t say that.

I've done this before. I've left my youngest son as he has autism and I knew it would make the trip difficult for all of us, including him. Another time, my eldest son who has a different dad, was taking him abroad so I took the two younger ones abroad elsewhere that week.
I hate to judge as like I say, I've done similar however, I don't agree with your reasoning. If your ex takes him abroad then that's fine imo.

Fair point. I hadn’t thought about it from the “week choice” point of view.

You’re trying to justify leaving him out and that makes you unreasonable. Also, you say it’s because he’ll be with his dad that week…. That’s because you’re choosing to try and go then so you don’t have to pay!

Op i don't think you are being unreasonable. Its probably a whole lot cheaper to book for 4 as most hotels are setup for 4 rather than 5.

Maybe your DH would like time with DDs without SS.

But I wouldn't make it a wildly expensive holiday.

With having a 3 week trip around south east Asia over Easter, and since moving to a bigger house and both myself and DP having new cars each in the past month, I’m just trying to reign in the finances.

I'm sure if you can afford a 3 week trip round SE Asia, a big house and 2 new cars in the last few months then you're not exactly living on the breadline and can probably afford the few hundred quid it would cost to take your son away with you.

But you obviously don't want to do this so go ahead and tell him that the reason you didn't invite him on your family holiday was because you were "trying to reign in the finances" 🙄

Your poor son.

Not only have his parents divorced during his formative/vulnerable years, but his mum and siblings get to go abroad on holiday without him?? Poor poor boy!

So your trying to rein in finances by exluding your eldest child? Nice.

You seem very convinced that because you are rich your child can't be disavantaged. I think there's a bit of snobbery going on here - "oh yes, we're a blended family but not like THOSE blended families on council estates with lots of different 'baby daddies' - my son has nice things and foreign holidays so he can't possibly be disadvantaged!"

It isn't about being economically disadvantaged - it's a deep seated psychological thing, about who you are, where you come from, where you belong. Being without a stable family base within which to develop your identity, your values etc is inherently disadvantaging, no matter how palatial the two homes you are dividing up your time in. Feeling like an 'add-on' to two existing family units is destabilising, no matter how much extra 'stuff' you get.

Think about when you were little and went through a clingy phase or a hard time or were ill, and just really, really wanted your mum and dad? Your son will have had to grow up knowing he can never ever have that - it's mum OR dad, never both. And yes, some children of divorce become very resilient, very independent, outwardly very easy-going - because they have had to learn to be accommodating and not to make demands that cause people issues because they feel that their place is contingent on not asking for the impossible.

You say how well he handles his situation and how unbothered he is by it. Suppose he were to come to you and tell you otherwise? Would you be receptive? Given how determined you are to insist that this is not 'a big thing' - despite lots of people telling you it is - suggests to me maybe you feel he has no right to have any issues given the quality of life you have provided him with, and wouldn't take it well if he complained tbh.

No we don't know you, or your child, or your situation. But you are not unique. It is a tale as old as time, and rich or poor, the emotional landscape is the same.

So why not just book a family holiday on a different week? It’s hard enough to occupy teens during the long summer breaks as they are too old for camps. By booking your holiday when he’s back you’ve sorted 2 out of the six weeks.

The world doesn’t stop when DS is at his dad’s. Her daughters still exist.

I don’t deny any of that, I agree that that is the case for a lot of children and families.

But it’s also not a one size fits all scenario either.

Your DD gets to live with her mum and dad 24/7 but your DS doesn’t. One of the only upsides to being the child of divorced parents is more holidays.

It’s not about the holiday and who gets how many holidays. It’s about inclusion, being held in mind and your DS feeling confident that, whatever family he is with, the other parent loves him and is thinking of him.

The reason it doesn’t feel fair on your DS is that he is likely to feel left out if you all go without him, regardless of what he does instead or that he’s with his Dad. He may wonder why you didn’t want him to come on the family holiday enough to make it a week when he was with you. It doesn’t matter then that he is away with his Dad, as that won’t make up for potential disappointment and sadness at not being included by his Mum.

Not a chance I would do that.

When DS is with his Dad of course you still do things with the others. But not big family things like holidays

I agree that you’re underestimating the psychological damage to your 14 year old son. His parents are no longer together. His mum moved to a new partner and chose to have more children with this man. How can all that be easy for him?

YABU.

You chose to have 3 children.

Literally everyone knows 3 children are extremely expensive BECAUSE it tips you over in terms of cars, holidays etc. It's much much more expensive than having 2.

You have to make choices based on the fact you have 3 children. You don't get to just exclude one.