To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

He's with his dad not extended family, his dad has a right to have him part of the time (and obviously wants to have him) he's not being abandoned with him, why should it be some sort of torture for him to spend quality time with his dad?

I think it would be okay to go on holiday without your DS if:

you’ve checked with him and included him in conversations about why (at an age and stage appropriate level)

the holiday you take without him is equivalent to the holiday he has with his dad

you absolutely reinforce he is an important part of your family and you’ll do special things together lots of other times

failing that could you ask his Dad to contribute to a holiday he goes on with you?

being treated equally does not always mean being treated exactly the same.

Makes no difference whatsoever.

I can't believe you're even considering this.

Do his dad, stepmum and half sibling in that side go abroad without him?

If the only time you could get away was the week your ds was with his dad (because you weren't able to take leave for any of the other weeks in the school holidays for eg) then it wouldn't be unreasonable to go away then.

But from what you've said that's not the case. You'd literally be choosing the only week your ds isn't free to come because you can only afford the kind of holiday you want if you only take 2 children. Of course that will make your ds feel pushed out. Because you are actively choosing to go away for the one week he can't.

I don't get why you can't understand this?

I feel for me the way I’d look at it is part of your family will be missing for a week in the summer holidays and unavailable to go on holiday with you. So you need to move the holiday for when they are free.

Anything other than this including purposefully using the week they are away to go away due to cost would be excluding on purpose. It’s not his fault he is away.

If he does go abroad with his Dad and his family then I don't see a problem with you going away at the same time. But, it really does depend on your DS and his relationship with you and your DDs. I would also speak to him about it and ask him "if you're going away with Dad how would you feel if me DH and DDs go away too?" How do you think he would react? If he is chilled and understanding and accepting of his life situation then I don't see a problem really?

I couldn't bring myself to book it though if I wasn't 100% sure he'd be going away too.

Your poor son. I couldn't do that. Imagine how pushed out he would feel, wait until he's off with his dad and have a 'family' holiday without him. And I don't see how it's unfair on the daughters that he gets to go away with both his families. He didn't ask to be from a broken home. I'm sure his preference would be that his parents were together.

The reason it feels slightly wrong is because it is.

Put it this way, I’m 37 and I still remember how hurt I felt the time I went on holiday with my mum stepdad and 2 younger siblings and we got on the train to travel there and they all sat at a 4 seat table and left me to sit by myself and we were going the same place! My mum did offer to move but my stepdad interrupted and said no she’ll be fine! I was a teen so I took my backpack and went and sat in a whole different carriage by myself, dramatic perhaps but I was a child! It’s not the only thing that happened along these lines but it can be very easy to leave a child out who has a different parent even if it’s completely unintentional, they may see it differently.

What obviously doesn’t come across is the lifestyle that he has with us; and the holidays, travel opportunities and experiences that he has with us. He is by no means disadvantaged or excluded in anything that we do as a family.

Your language here is really othering. There's 'us'/'family' and then there's him.

He should be happy for the lifestyle? Listen to yourself.

I am slightly struggling with the idea that it's either no holiday at all or a holiday in europe for 4. There is near infinite variety in holidays available - plenty of other options in other weeks if you tweak the plans. And, more importantly, I don't think he will buy that it is truly your only option either.

As @Mosty says above.

You've said it's an amazing holiday that you desperately want to take your daughters on.

And it's not a big deal and he won't feel he's missing out.

Which is it?

How much can the difference be? Typically between 2 and three kids it’s not much, so pick a less expensive hotel/cheaper flights/destination and bring everyone.

It may not be but OP says he may not be going anywhere. So if that's the case he should go with them. She says she can't afford for all 5. Change the date / accommodation / airline / arrival time / do 5 days instead of 7.
If it was worded that he was definitely going with dad and should they go somewhere else that week i think the answers would have been different but saying I can afford 4 not 5 people just sounded heartless.

If you could afford to bring him, would you still choose that week or would you choose another week and bring him?

I think it's a bit cruel. You are actively choosing a week he isn't in your care because you can't afford to bring him. It's not something that has happened by accident. It's also looking like a holiday with his Dad won't materialise so by your argument, it is now unfair that your DDs will get an extra foreign holiday....?

I thought this. "He" comes on holiday with "us" sounds absolutely terrible.

@Suncloudstars

"He is by no means disadvantaged or excluded in anything that we do as a family."

Except from a second holiday with his Mum because she can't afford it but will take his sisters.

That sort of non exclusion?

is fairness measured by foreign holidays or inclusivity?

I agree. He’s not going to feel like he’s part of your ‘full family’ if you’re trying to work out how you can all go on holiday without him

I think too much emphasis has been put on the “can’t afford to pay for them all”. If I could rewrite it then I would omit that part - it’s mainly about us going on holiday at the same time that he is potentially going to be going away with his dad.

Financially we are a very comfortable family and give all 3 children equal and amazing experiences. With having a 3 week trip around south east Asia over Easter, and since moving to a bigger house and both myself and DP having new cars each in the past month, I’m just trying to reign in the finances.

I think people have got the image that he’s a severely disadvantaged child, excluded from family life and lives in the cupboard under the stairs.

Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Since establishing that it would be shit to go abroad if he just sat at his dads for the week, I’m merely trying to ascertain whether it would still be a shit thing to do to go abroad IF he was also going abroad with his dad at the same time.

I don’t feel it’s of big of a thing that people seem to think it is - or maybe I’m just a shit parent, who knows.

Easy for people to make assumptions and comments when they know absolutely nothing about a person, a child or their life; which is obviously what happens on an online forum without every spec of detail given in a post.

Because you would be leaving him out, ie excluding him, from a family trip. Why are you finding it so hard to understand?

let’s say your girlfriends were talking about going on a girls’ trip next year and they decided the one week they would go would be the week they knew you’d already booked to go away with your family. Would you think that’s fair because you still get to go on a holiday as well? Or let’s be honest, would you feel excluded and unwanted by that friendship group? Because that’s how your son is going to feel.

or would you not invite one of your daughters on the family holiday because she went on a school trip that year, so it’s “fair” as she gets the same number of trips?

It’s not about how many trips each child gets, it’s about deliberately excluding one family member from a shared experience. Cut your cloth and take them all away for a long weekend in the UK instead.

OP -
consensus is YABU
stop with the yeah buts ….
you are looking for permission to pull off this dick move
it ain’t gonna happen
so accept the verdict here
and do what u gonna do anyways !!!

No I would still say you are being unreasonable

he spends the majority of his time with you and his half siblings. You are all family and you cannot treat one child differently. In the same way I would expect his father to do the same should he have remarried and had kids

Because the result is still the same - one child from the family is being purposefully excluded from a family holiday. OP isn't saying they've booked a holiday and it's at the same time as DS's holiday with his dad, they're actively trying to avoid taking him because they can't afford to take all of the kids. Why is it automatically DS who misses out?