To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

@Suncloudstars but by not taking your DS on holiday as he will be with his dad you are creating two families

How?! He will be with his dad anyway. He is part of two families, the op isn’t.

Then you shouldn’t even be considering the question in the op!

But it's not. Because why don't you drop one of the DDs, and take your son?

I think you represent what a lot of people seem to hate on MN:

• a female who has a blended family
• a female who appears to have a decent quality of life

God forbid any woman should do well for herself, or shock horror find love after a break up (where children are involved).

@ThatLoudBear what most people don’t like in these situations is the treatment of the child not how successful the adult is. Most threads like these normally involve not taking the stepchild on holiday (from the wife’s perspective) This one is even more contentious as it is the mum’s own child that is being bumped off the holiday

You are cutting him out to save money.

And who would you suggest the DD stays behind with?

Poor kid.

You must know on some level that it’s unfair on your son, otherwise you wouldn’t have even asked. If you’re so convinced you’re in the right, leave your son behind to save money. Enjoy yourself and stop asking strangers on the internet their opinion on your life choices.

@Suncloudstars does DS ever get any 121 time with you?

Would it be an option to take him away for a weekend or something just you and him, doing something totally focused on what he wants?

I can totally see your dilemma both age and interests of the kids and the cost of 4 people vs 5 for a hotel.

It wasn't a serious suggestion, I don't think any of the children should be excluded.

It was to get the OP to consider why she automatically sees that because she can afford four places not five, that the DS is the one excluded, and what that means. Sadly, to me and I expect to him, it means he's not seen as an equal member of the family. I'm sure OP doesn't love him any less, but it's his position and importance in the family unit and his exclusion will say loud and clear that he's an optional, whereas the two DD's automatically got a place on that holiday.

Surely you must realise the question you have asked is bizarre? I mean who would leave one of their children out of a holiday just so the rest of the family could go. If you can’t afford it for all you don’t go.

And who wants to leave her son out of a holiday and take the two she has with a new partner

You do realise it’s ok for her to focus on her other children too? That the time when her son is with her dad is a time she can spend doing things with her younger kids that a 14 year old might not want to do?

So many people on this thread are convinced that they know how the child feels better than the op. They are certain he will be hurt, rejected, left out. Maybe he doesn’t care? Maybe he’d rather have a week with his dad? You just don’t know but you are all so certain that you know the kid better than the op.

If she knew her child would be absolutely fine with it, why is she on here asking the opinions of anonymous strangers? Odd behaviour. If everyone is over the moon with the situation, have at it. But it’s quite normal to assume, without any additional context, that a 14 year old would feel left out.

It's just a bit nasty isn't it really.

Basically, you can't afford for your family of 5 to go on holiday so instead of finding a cheaper one your just kicking one kid out the group.

I find it a bit shocking that you think it’s okay to leave one of your children out of going on a holiday so the rest can go. Why doesn’t the op take ALL of her children on her own and leave the partner behind.

If you are actually not taking him because he will be going on a bigger, better holiday with the other parent, that's fine. If you are not taking him because you can't afford to and hope that the other parent taking him away will make up for it - no it will tell him you love the other kids more than him.

Genuinely I do mean this kindly, but OP I feel like you’re being a bit blinkered when talking about the effect that being a child of divorce has had on your son. I don’t know if you just don’t understand, or if maybe the idea upsets you so you’re shutting the conversation down?

Being a child of separated parents is surely objectively a bad thing that will undoubtedly have negative consequences for your son. Research backs this up. But you don’t seem to understand that this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have split up with your ex, or that your son has an objectively bad life.

all three things can be true at once;

1. splitting up with your ex was the right thing to do
2. your son has a good life and is happy
3. being a child with parents who aren’t together has a negative impact

My parents splitting up was definitely the right thing to do, and I wouldn’t say I had a very unhappy life. But I do know that growing up in that environment and dealing with the fall-out has impacted the way I view myself and others, and my mental health. I have many friends who had divorced parents, and they’d all say the same.

My life would have been ten times better if I had a loving, nuclear family - but I didn’t. The same goes for your son. I promise you that both he and you will not be aware of the full impacts his life experiences have had on him - it doesn’t really become clear until adulthood imo. Personally, I didn’t connect the dots until I had children of my own. I think it would be good to be more mindful of this, OP - the fact you’ve started this thread shows that you are not mindful enough. I’d also add that you seem to imply that he must not be suffering because you provide him with lots of holidays and nice things, which again shows a lack of insight. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad parent, I’m sure that’s not true. But none of us are perfect.

But I haven’t though have I, it was a THOUGHT that I asked for opinions on. Therefore taking into account, I haven’t done this - no damage has been done to anyone. No one has suffered, no one has been excluded you’ll all be thrilled to know.

therefore yes, people are being very over dramatic.

But no child has been treated in any negative way - remember that. This post is all about a THOUGHT. You’re all acting like I’m back from 2 weeks in the sun whilst i sent DS on his way to his dads 🤣

All right. You shared your THOUGHT, you shared your reasoning process, you have a consensus that's currently 93% and it's pretty obvious from the posts that at least some of the 7% are bad faith players.

Do what you want with this information, but if you do gallivant off with your daughters and leave your son behind, don't say you weren't warned.

Do we not all have thoughts about situations that we’re unsure about? That’s why we ask others for polite support and guidance when we are unsure. I’m sure you’ve had plenty yourself; and some that others won’t agree with you on.

You’re all acting like you’re perfect mothers who seem to know exactly the right way in parenthood.

God forbid a mum asks for opinions on a thought.

I cannot believe how nasty, hurtful & spiteful this post has got.

As a mum do we not all 2nd guess and question ourselves daily? Do we not ALL make mistakes or get it wrong? (for the record I am not saying OP is wrong either on this....... misunderstood yes possibly)

I know I do & I know I have made bad choices as a mum and will make more, I also know I have made some fantastic choices too and all of that I have learnt from. We don't give birth and get handed a manual and a go to guide of every circumstance we may or may not find ourselves in during this absolute crazy fucking rollercoaster of parenting, wifing and general life & we ALL have different circumstances.

I do my utmost best for my kids & my step daughter but I don't get it right all the time and sometimes one or even all of them probably hate me in their own way but they doubt the love I have for them. & I am sure it's the same for OP and if your honest the rest of you too.

We seem to have alot of Super mums on here, Mrs Earth Mum at their finest. They will have the perfect life, husband 1.2 kids etc etc.....probably don't fart either!

This has become nothing but mum shaming and it's proper shitty!

I’m not blinkered at all; as a PP has said - I know my child better than the posters, i don’t feel that I need to enter a deep discussion about the emotional effect of separation on DS. That’s not what I’m here to discuss. I’m fully aware it has a bearing on the situation; but again it’s not something I feel I need get into a discussion about. I am fully aware of the effects of separation on children; and the effect on my own child.

I am fully aware of, and understand, all of the research. But again, just because I’m choosing not to enter into deep discussions about it, doesn’t mean that I’m blinkered, don’t understand, lack emotional intelligence or empathy. Like wise it doesn’t mean that I’m shutting down the conversation.

It’s just not something I feel is as necessary to enter a discussion about when I know my child best.

I appreciate people’s concern; however as it is something that hasn’t happened, again I don’t feel the need to enter that discussion.