To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

It's a big IF though..You've already said the dad's holiday abroad doesn't appear to be happening. Difference is if he goes with his dad why's it not fair on your two daughters?they're not his dad's kids. But he's your kid and you're considering taking his sisters on holiday without him despite him living primarily within your family unit

I think a lot of the comments have stemmed from the wording of the OP. If the question had been DS is going on holiday with his dad for a week, would IBU to take my other children away at the same time then it may have got a different response. Instead it sounded like the decision was financially motivated and more a question of if DS comes none of us can go so we’re going to pick a week when he can’t come and go without him. I don’t think that is what OP intended necessarily but I think that has impacted the responses.

No. We would still tell her that she shouldn't take her daughters and husband away but not her son, and that if she wanted to reduce her recent spending, there were various cars, long haul holidays and new houses that could have been considered for price cuts before her eldest child.

This is not rocket science. Despite OP making a big fuss of how she is valiantly trying to understand different viewpoints and all that, this is not complicated. It's irrelevant what the boy does with his father, who is not related to his sisters. His mother, parent of them all, takes all her children away when she jets off with her second family, or she doesn't jet off at all.

No, the responses would be the same.

The op’s son has suffered the breakdown of his parents’ family unit, and his mum has chosen to have more children with another man, creating a new family. By taking only her new children with her new husband on holiday, she is sending a strong (negative) message to her son, regardless of what he might be doing while they’re on a family holiday.

Something else I’ve noticed… there appears to be quite a lot of bitterness in posters responses who are so vehemently against going away without DS.

interesting.

It's your son's wellbeing we're discussing. I know you think you're being incredibly cutting with your "u sound triggered" and "u sound bitter" stuff but we're not the child you're thinking of leaving behind when you go off with your second family. If you think you're hurting us with these pathetic responses, you might consider how much you'd be hurting your actual son by doing it. Surely you don't think face saving on the Internet is more important than treating your kids properly?

No, I just find it quite amusing how over invested and over dramatic so many strangers on the internet can be over a person they don’t even know.

Remember; there’s a difference between doing and thinking.
And If I’ve asked advice based on a THOUGHT I’ve had (and subsequently made it clear that I obviously hadn’t thought it through properly and wouldn’t intend to go away if he wasn’t), then I can’t be too much of a bad parent. Otherwise I wouldn’t be thinking and questioning my potential parental choices and decisions would I?

I’m not trying to hurt anyone; but again, the same with most posts on here - many grown women like to try and get a bit too personally judgmental and make far too many unkind remarks and comments. So just because I’m the OP, it means I have to sit and take it? I don’t think so.

Have a nice day.

Ah you’re back. No response to my questions that I asked you?

I see you’re back with your “he’s suffered” “marriage breakdown” “mum chose to have more children” (yep so did dad!) “new children” “new husband” comments.

You very much have something against women who are no longer with the parent of their child. Whatever your issue is in regards to this, doesn’t need to be projected onto people you don’t know and know nothing about.

Ah yes, it's now the "I am above this discussion (that I started) and merely toying with you for my amusement" form of panicked deflection. It's hard to pull off without a moustache to twirl, and it's impossible when you've already made 500 posts attempting to justify and excuse yourself, including this one, and complaining about what big meanies everyone is for giving your question the answer that you didn't want.

The topic at hand is your son, much more important than your twirly-moustached amusement. Hopefully you will have taken what people have said and will not actually do this horrible and potentially very damaging thing to him. The rest is noise.

I feel sorry for kids who are shunted between families especially when they acquire half/step siblings courtesy of a new partner. Doesn’t matter if it’s the mum or the dad who has created the ‘new’ family.

And if one of these ‘new’ families go on holiday without him which family does the DS belong to

What do you find trigging about all of that? They are statement about your oldest child's experience in childhood versus his half siblings on both sides.

It has absolutely nothing about being against women who are no longer with the parent of their children.

I'm one. I made the same decision to marry blend and have more kids.

Key part of the sentence. I made the decision.

I therefore created a situation were one of my children lives in a very different family experience than the rest. That decision comes with consequences some very obvious some less so that the other kids dont and won't experience unless my marriage ends.

You spoke about fair not always being equal. Correct.

It isnt, fair for all your children is they have the right to a relationship with both their parents. Its unequal in that one of your children has much less time with you than the others. If you were to apply fairness to that, you need to leave your youngest with their father on regular basis with out you so they had the same level of time and access to a relationship with you as your son.

That would be unrealistic, and pretty unreasonable in what you have created in a new family structure.

You talk about statistics not being an indication that will be your child's life and experience.

Maybe not but its a massive red flag that it could meaning you have a higher level of responsibility to parent in a way to ensure that you dont add to the risk of him having negative childhood experiences in a much more complicated emotional dynamic than in most nuclear families.

Meaning things like choosing to take family holidays without him especially when it is not the only option should be far down the list of things you think are a good idea.

I feel sorry for kids whose parents have such a narrow minded judgmental attitude.

So, so wrong. He’ll remember that you choose to go abroad without him as an adult. I’m sure you can find a holiday for your whole family at another place or time rather than excluding your son. If you want to make him feel not part of the family, then this is a good way to go about it though.

@dumbo67 there are many posts on MN from posters who hated being part of a blended family, especially if they were the ones being shunted between homes and gaining many siblings

There are also lots from people who are part of blended families or grew up in blended families and coped perfectly well. The ongoing judgement and perception on here that all blended families will result in damaged, unhappy kid is just not true from what I’ve witnessed (and been part of myself) in real life.

OP, I was the child growing up in this situation and while I wouldn't personally entertain the idea, I do see your point that you are trying to do the right thing by asking for advice on here and giving it proper thought before going ahead. With regards to whether it is ok if he is away with his dad at the same time, as someone who has been the child in this situation, my personal opinion is still no. Even if the child says now that they understand they are not being excluded etc, it may look and feel different to them when they look back in the future. I wouldn't take that risk for the sake of one holiday, especially when you have multiple others at other times. Not worth it.

Then why did you even bother to start a thread if you didn’t want peoples opinions.? It’s quite baffling really

Even if the child says now that they understand they are not being excluded

But he would be excluded. If he had been told and made to agree that he wasn't, that would be sheer gaslighting.

There’s a difference between giving a polite, respectful opinion; and one where you’re using your own beliefs and potential experiences, to bash another person personally and make assumptions and judgments about another persons life.

I posted for polite advice; not for the rudeness and rude judgments and assumptions that some have made. There’s a difference.

im surprised that I even have to explain that.

Yes, that's why I said it might look different to them in the future.

Whatever. Don't go away with your second family and leave your first child behind. That's all that matters.

This is exactly the point.

Op asked for views. She got them but for the most part they have been unnecessarily nasty and insulting. The amount of projection, superiority and downright batshittery on here never fails to astound me. It is perfectly possible to give an opinion in a balanced way without resorting to insults and slurs on ops character and parenting.

Some of you are either way too over invested or simply not nice people.

I don’t have a second family. I have one family.

Then you shouldn’t want to leave a member of that one family behind.

If you want your son to believe you think that, don't leave him behind when the rest of the family goes away.