To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

And that was more important than trying to find a holiday for 5 that meets your budget?

If she left the youngest DD out of the holiday because it was more suited to older children then I think that would also be horrible and unfair. When you have a young family you do all holiday together and try your best to find something that suits everyone. My kids have a bit of an age gap so it’s tricky, but that’s the decision I made and the family I created so I can’t just leave one behind to make it work.

Why are you so bothered by that?

In all of your posts, you still haven't really answered why you want to do it.

Initially it sounded like it was about saving money but then you got all "I have loads of money, it's not about money" about it.

There's clearly some kind of reason for why you want to go away without him.

I would say if he was going abroad with dad then that is one small perk of having a broken home and living with step siblings. There can't be many. But I would still take him abroad with me and he would have two holidays. I cannot understand what you are thinking to exclude your son. If you can't afford to do things for all of your children then you shouldn't have had the third instead of excluding your first baby.

She’s not talking about a trip to peppa pig world though is she. She’s talking about a holiday abroad and not taking DS as she can’t afford it. That’s not the same as leaving DS behind as he hates camping.

I have.

“IF” DS was to go on holiday with his dad, then I didn’t think it would be too much of a bad thing to also take the girls away on a holiday at the same time. So that they don’t miss out; and also because it’s the chance for another holiday. Yes it would be cheaper, but if DS was also enjoying a holiday abroad, I didn’t realise it would be such a bad thing.

everyone’s lifestyle is different and individual; for our lifestyle and relationships, I didn’t think it would be so much of a big deal. I personally don’t think DS would feel excluded; he’s a smart boy and I know that after a chat, he would more than likely see that he’s not being excluded or missing out, IF he was also going on holiday with his dad.

there is no reason to be wanting to go away without him.

we are not a “one family holiday a year” sort of family; so the emphasis on it being one super special time a year is perhaps not the same for us, as it is for some others.

I’ve since discovered most people don’t agree.

How do you know if I’ve been looking for holidays for 5 people or not? Or even holidays for 4 for that matter…

do I need to provide screenshot evidence to random strangers on the internet, to prove that I’m complying with the majority opinion so that I can be congratulated for taking on board their opinions?

You still haven't replied to the point about leaving the 4 year old and taking DS. Therefore the older children go, and youngest stays with grandparents. How would you feel in that situation?

OP I don’t think there is anything wrong with you going away IF he is going away with his dad at the same time. I think you’ve accepted it wouldn’t be fair to go away if he’s just sitting at his dads house whilst you go away.

what I think you need to be prepared for though is for him to be disappointed even if he goes away with his dad. His sisters will have shared memories with you he didn’t - even if at the time he was somewhere else, that is still a hard emotion to manage especially for a teenager. I’m not at all saying you shouldn’t do it, but be prepared that he may feel slightly resentful or sad. He might not, only you know your DS, but he probably feels a bit different to his siblings all of whom live with both their respective parents whereas he is the one in between.

But even this doesn't answer why you want to do this

You are saying "it wouldn't be a bad thing" - not explaining why it would be a good thing?

And they wouldn't miss out if you arranged it for a different week

I don’t need to answer it because it’s not comparable.

comparing going away with a parent (I.e. his dad) is not the same as being left with grandparents.

I’m sorry but I think is an awful thing to do

However robust your son may be, and of course I don’t know him, 14 is the most vulnerable volatile age and you are already starting to lose them at this age, They don’t need any pushing.

I am currently on holiday with my stepson (25), son (22) and daughter (16). No way in hell would I have taken 2/3 of them away when they were children. Age 18 + it is up to them if they come away with us and luckily they usually want to.

Don’t risk alienating your son and damaging your future relationship.

You’ve not answered this OP and I feel it’s important. If your son is getting good quality, extended time with just you. Not a couple of hours here and there but actual work extended time then that would change my view of ‘absolutely not’ to ‘perhaps yes, if he was to be on holiday with his dad’

Yes he does.

you either all go or you all don’t go. you’ve already hurt him in breaking up of family, don’t make it worse for him by casting him out.

Jesus the comments on this thread! You have no idea about the circumstances surrounding the relationship breakdown so stop with the guilt tripping and assumptions about the kids feelings. It’s pathetic.

I'm not sure replying to this Op achieves anything, they clearly wanted vindication and didn't get it.

No it’s highlighting the fact that he’s not a full member of the family. He will be hurt.

Ha ha I agree with that!
I mean I do get where most are coming from to be fair but at 14 I think asking him what he thinks is the best way to go.
if he’s having a holiday so you have one at the same time then I think that’s ok.
i’m assuming he likes his dad and family and spends time with them voluntarily?
If so, he may not be that bothered about your holiday.
i suppose if you do go without him you need to make sure you do some things just you and him so he doesn’t feel as if you always favour his sisters.

OP, why not ask your DS “if finances allow, would you like to do another short cheap trip abroad over the summer?”

If he says yes, then you know you need to include him and not go at all if it’s too much. If he’s not bothered then you can suggest the 4 of you go away when he’s at his dad’s.

My DS isn’t bothered at all about holidays (other than skiing). He doesn’t like the sun, is a homebody and would much prefer to stay in London with his friends. My DD on the other hand can’t get enough holidays and would be beyond pissed if I went anywhere without her. She maintains a 365 day a year tan!

Reading this thread has been a real eye opener.
Plenty of people on this site are quick to give advice to LTB, I guess it should come with a caveat in future, only LTB if you never intend on having more children in the future and never ever going on holidays without all of them together.