To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

Aw stop attacking the OP. She asked the question in good faith. She got an answer. She tried to explain reasons for asking but she has taken it on board. And now she is just winding up the idiots who are choosing to get over-invested.

This cannot be real! There is no justification at all

I’m going to go against most of the posters here because I’ve actually been in a similar situation. 2 children to ex partner, 1 to new partner. Ex can’t afford to take kids abroad every year so agreed to alternate abroad holidays every other year. The year the older ones go abroad with ex, I go abroad with husband and younger child at the same time otherwise we won’t see the older ones for the majority of the holidays. Then we do a British holiday as the 5 of us. Then the alternate years the 5 of us go abroad together. The 3 kids then get equal holidays to each other. No one is missing out, and if the point of the holiday is spending time with the other parent then that’s what they are getting. As it happens this year the older kids are staying in Britain for their summer holiday with their dad (but in a holiday cottage or similar) as he found a great deal for one of the other school holidays and they are going abroad then instead. We 3 are still having our holiday abroad at the same time in summer but won’t be holidaying when the older ones are next.

Exactly this or no holiday if this were my child.

I can't believe you would think about doing this! If he were an adult then yes, but he's still a child! I feel he would resent you and his sisters for this!

@Acethrower Maybe try to stick to the subject? Or start your own thread. Maybe you find it completely normal to exclude a child using the pretext of finances while banging on about how wealthy you are.

I’ve read all the OP’s comments and what comes through is that she really, really wants to follow this plan (not having DS on this holiday) but equally really wants general validation from this forum it’s ok. Well, the general consensus is that it isn’t ok, but you have every right to go ahead anywat just stop trying to argue it a different way.

Oh don’t be daft
my posts are clear
i think the op is being very unfair and she could have used the time she has dedicated to this thread to find a holiday for 5 for her budget

you left us hanging on your thread!! And just seen… you got deleted!!

As I’ve said multiple times, no choice or decision has been made. It was a thought. And a thought that I wanted other peoples opinions on as I didn’t know what the general consensus on the matter was.

I have discussed further opinions to try to gain a better understanding and to try and understand the logic better, so that I can agree - as I clearly seem to be in the minority viewpoint. Although some seem to have taken that as me “arguing” or “doing what I want irrespective of everyone’s opinions” when it’s not the case.

its more the fact of “if he’s going on holiday, then why shouldn’t we at the same time” - yes it’s great when things are cheaper, but pp’s seem to have placed more emphasis on the financial side - when in my mind it’s more about us all just going on holidays at the same time. If he goes away, he’ll be having a great time with his dad & co, so I didn’t realise that people would feel so strongly that he would be being excluded if DD’s also had a holiday. Maybe it’s the way I worded it; maybe I’m a rubbish person. Who knows.

I feel like you're getting advice from people who are married and sneer at blended families.

Your son does not have a terrible life. Those suggesting he's in a worse position as the OP daughters is just untrue. Many children are happier in blended families especially when their parents had been unhappy prior.

If he has two happy parents, who co-parent effectively and he sees you're in a happy relationship that's powerful. Life doesn't need to be mediocre and he doesn't need to accept toxic behaviours.

Those suggesting it was selfish of the parents to split is also pretty distasteful.

I think this is massively a sexist issue. I think if his dad went on holiday without his son he wouldn't receive any judgement.

If you are happier OP and your son sees you happy and he feels like an important part of your family I cannot see any issue.

And where does it stop? Do people expect you not to take the girls for days out in case it looks like you're leaving out your son?

There's this ideal where when a woman has children, people think they should be the entirety of their world. Men don't get the same judgement. It's more important the mother is happy with healthy boundaries and expectations and the child witnesses that.

If that’s how you’ve perceived the thread and my comments, then that’s not how I’ve intended to come across. As that’s not how I think or feel.

again, I was trying to understand the rationale as to why my viewpoint was perhaps incorrect.

In your op you said that your DS going abroad with his dad is unlikely to materialise and yet you are stating it now as if it’s been agreed?

God no, don’t ask him. He might feel he has to say it’s ok if he feels he has to so you can go away too.

op, you can’t go away and not take him. Not unless you want to destroy your relationship with him.

I think you’ve misread?

So you say it would be “shit” to do if he doesn’t go abroad with his dad

and also

His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising.

so best plan on not going without him surely?

you’re not a rubbish person. I really don’t like it when these things become attacks and you really shouldn’t be attacked. To me people have disagreed, that doesn’t make you bad at all - if you were bad you wouldn’t have bothered to take the time and step back and think about this. What you say is true and logical. I think it’s just that your son may not follow your logic and feel left out. It’s not about the holiday or how many holidays people go on - more about the time together and inclusion in that. So what about organising your time off to coincide when with you and spending the budget you have for all of you together. Blended family posts very often trigger people’s own experiences and I think anger gets directed at posters which really is from their own experiences and its projection of their anger to someone else. Don’t feel bad and don’t feel you have to explain yourself. Do step back and think your son may see it differently to you though - not saying he will - just know my daughter would in similar situation. Whatever you decide I hope it all works out for all xx

I chose to delete because some posters were particularly nasty and chose to misunderstand and wrote horrible untrue things about my db. Didn't leave anyone hanging because I said I would be supportive of DB.

I haven’t misread anything.

I really appreciate this, thank you.

From posting this thread and reading the comments, I now genuinely feel like a terrible person and a terrible mum and have been left questioning all of my parenting choices.

When in actual fact, if these people knew me in real life, I don’t think that they would hold these assumptions/judgments/opinions about me. (Or my son)

I do agree that a percentage of posters do seem to appear to be very anti anything but a nuclear family; and that is going to affect the response I get. I also feel that there are a percentage talking from their own personal childhood experiences; which whilst I empathise, I believe these opinions can’t be generalised to every kid that comes from a blended family as every family/situation/dynamic is completely individualised.

I feel that the majority have made the assumption that because the statistics point in the direction of Adverse Childhood Experience’s when a child comes from a blended family, that it must 100% apply to me, my son and my family too. And again, jumped to assumptions and conclusions when they know nothing but a couple of paragraphs of information.

I appreciate those who have given a dissenting opinion to mine in a respectful and polite way - it’s a shame that not everyone can act like that.

And contrary to popular opinion, I have taken everything on board and agree that going away whilst he is at his Dad’s would be a shit thing to do. Although in all honesty, I’m still divided on the topic of going away whilst he (if he does) goes away with his dad. For our family, and knowing my son, I personally don’t think this would be detrimental. Although I’m sure others would argue otherwise.

@Suncloudstars Nobody saying you're a "rubbish person", just that you risk taking a rubbish desicion if you exclude your son.

He will feel less loved and cared (even if he isn't) for so please please spare him that.

Not dramatic at all - I think the pp is actually spot on.
In your replies you’re backtracking and framing this as ‘Dad is taking him on holiday/doing fun stuff (which is not necessarily the case as you’ve already admitted) so we’re just going to go away this week too’. When actually, as you’ve said, you’re only choosing that specific week because you effectively have childcare for the 5th person that you can’t fit neatly into a package holiday, aka, your son.
I wouldn’t do it, no. As others have said, you’re having a fun family experience without him. It doesn’t matter that he might be having fun at the same time. I’d feel the same if his Dad took holidays without him too. If you’re taking children on holiday, my view is that you take ALL of your children. You don’t wait until one is conveniently elsewhere so that you can have a cheaper holiday.

So where have I said that it is agreed? I’ve said “if he goes on holiday”, “if he goes away”…. Everything is IF.

because as I’ve stated from the beginning, it’s not completely closed off. Yes abroad is UNLIKELY, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t. They haven’t made a decision yet. Also, I’m thinking about future situations.

It's not excluding her son if he's already away with his dad. You can't treat all those children equally because they all have different circumstances. It's impossible.

Obviously I wouldn’t make any plans (in regards to anything; before it’s misconstrued) until his dad has made a decision on what he plans to do.

I feel like you’re clutching at straws here.

She’s intentionally choosing her son’s week with his dad so she can go on a holiday as a unit of 4 without him, when she could just book a different week. It’s entirely her choice to exclude one of her three children from a holiday.

It’s also been mentioned that he might not even be having a holiday with his dad.