To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

No, it wouldn’t.

You need to make your holiday work for all your children. If he gets extra holidays with his dad, well, that’s one of the very few perks of having to split your life between two homes.

Just facts - having that kind of disposable income puts you into a very high percentile of the population wealth wise. It isn't nasty to note that, especially as you are at such pains to point it out.

Jealous? Of your wealth 100%. I'd love to be able to give my kids such an opulent lifestyle.

If your son no, because I've been him and it's bloody hard.

No, it wouldn’t.

You need to make your holiday work for all your children. If he gets extra holidays with his dad, well, that’s one of the very few perks of having to split your life between two homes.

Love how you list all the holidays you have had and all the other things you have spent money on and then say you are not rich!

I think you have decided that you are going away as a four when your son is with his father for a week, wether he goes away with his dad is irrelevant as he is spending time with his dad which he should, but he should also spend family time with his Mum. Think about how you would feel if you were the 14 yr old.

you say that he spends around 1/3 of the time with his dad, his partner and their child but most of his time is with you, I suspect you already do more 'girly' things with your 2 DD and he feels a bit left out, not taking him on holiday with you will exacerbate that feeling.

As I’ve previously said, I know of people who don’t see this as an issue so on first thoughts hadn’t fully thought it through - clearly.

As I know of other people that go away without a child whilst said child goes away with the other parent, I didn’t realise that so many other people would see this as wrong as they do. So when I say about saving money, again I didn’t think so many people would be up in arms about it.

the difference is, I asked a question about a thought I’d had, at no point have I said “I’m absolutely doing this.” I didn’t expect to be met with such rudeness, aggression and people making such incorrect assumptions and judgments about myself, my son, my family and my life.

this board is about gaining advice so that people can go in the right direction and grow personally - not being slaughtered in the process of asking a question about a thought.

I hope next time you have a question to ask about something you’re unsure of, you aren’t met with the same rudeness that you’ve acted with today.

Have you mentioned it to your DS? Also, would you enjoy a family holiday without him there?

@Yeahno

when the op and her current husband split up then maybe they will also get two holidays

in this case the son, as a result of his parents splitting, does not have one home, two parents together, and stability. He has two separate parents with two separate living arrangements, and it’s seems a step mum and sibling, plus a step dad and two siblings

He gets the opportunity to go on holiday with his Mather and family and separately with his father and family simply because they have split into two families and I bet he would prefer his half sisters family, where it’s two parents, one house and some normality, not having to split between two parents, and with a mother who feels it’s acceptable to go on a jolly holiday where her two daughters and second husband without him

To me the two holidays is the only bonus he gets in this mess

@Suncloudstars you're not a bad mum or you wouldn’t have asked the question.
I would opt for fun days out with your dd’s and obviously ds if he’s around and wants to come.
In a few years your ds won’t even stand next to you in public!

OP, at Christmas do you spend 50£ on presents for your DS for every 100£ you spend on presents for each of your other 2 kids?

If affordability isn't the issue why not just go on another week?

It gets to a point where after so many people making incorrect judgments and assumptions about me personally, it gets a bit tedious. So it’s okay for me to sit and “take” the rudeness that I’ve received throughout this thread, but it’s not okay for me to through the odd passive aggressive comment? Double standards…

If it’s about fairness, then how do you deal with Christmas? DS presumably gets 2 x Christmas celebrations and double the presents. That isn’t ’fair’ either (but as PPs have said, doesn’t make up for the fact that DS has to split his life between two homes while his siblings get to live with both of their parents).

Do your DDs get extra presents to make it fair?

But you can’t compare your DDs with your son - he’s from broken family - his parents do not live together and he is moving between houses (possibly feeling like a spare part in both homes). Your DDs on the other hand have both parents and not having to pack this stuff every few days! Is that fair? Do you still think that your son got a better sea than your daughters from the new partner?!
No matter how many extra holidays will not make up for that (the fact that you consider not taking him means he is not considered equal with your daughters!)!

How?

I never said that divorce isn't sometimes, maybe even often, the best course of action all things considered. But you can't then pretend that it doesn't have any kind of negative affect on the children involved.

Coming in at 62 posts now op

you could have found a holiday for 5 that met your budget in the time you have spent arguing on mumsnet

Yes. It’s not the same because the DDs aren’t in a situation where a parent is taking siblings on holiday and excluding them. That’s why it is not relevant if their brother is on holiday with his dad and stepmum- those adults are not their parents or related to them so they are not being left behind in any way.

Yes not everything can be 100% fair all the time but it’s pretty easy not to book a holiday and leave behind one child.

I think @Suncloudstars is trolling. It's not possible to be so obtuse that you keep saying how rich you are and then go on justifying excluding your son from a family trip because you have to reign in the finances. Like you could choose any other of your luxury spending to cut out, but no, let's not bring the son from a previous marriage.

He will feel that you love him less than your dds OP. And, sadly, having read all your posts, that's what it sounds like. You don't have to rub it in his face though by excluding him from a holiday.

Most thought you were trolling @arcticpandas or your thread yesterday about your brother’s fiancée not being your cup of tea!

No I don’t bother buying DS anything for Christmas…or birthdays actually.

Many people have said it doesn't sound like a good idea to leave DS behind but you just keep trying to justify your choice. If you have made up your mind, then don't ask for opinions! I agree with what others have said regarding your DS almost being an inconvenience. If it's one extra child making the holiday not affordable then it's not affordable at all (not even the 4 of you) and you should look at another destination for entire family.

I think if u have to ask on here then in your heart you know it's not 100% right but hoping to get some people here saying it's okay. No one here has to worry about it, it's your life, but I think you know the answer already

OP, what extended 1-1 time does your son get alone with you without stepdad and half siblings being there? His sisters get extended time alone with just mum and dad. Does he get special extended 1-1 time with just Mum?

As has already been said a thousand times over it’s absolutely a shitty thing to do but you keep coming back to “fairness for all your children” and that if he went on a holiday with his dad and you didn’t then take your daughters away that wouldn’t be fair. Fair is within your own family unit not both because it could never be fair. If your family unit has 3 holidays then all children in your family unit get 3 holidays. What happens when your son is at his dad’s is entirely separate.
birthdays and Christmas does he get presents from both families and his siblings so 3 siblings whereas your daughters will get presents from 2 siblings, are you starting to see where your perspective falls flat?