To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

Your daughters have one family, your son has two. That's not his choice - it was yours. If you exclude him from your family, your excluding him. It's not about how many holidays abroad everyone gets each, it's about families.

The dynamic of the ds in comparison to the other dc will always be different. There is no avoiding that. It’s what happens when a couple have a child, split, get remarried and have more dc. I have been a product of that and it’s also something that has happened in my family. Nobody is screwed up.

I agree with treating both dc the same. But when the eldest is away life can’t just stop for the rest of the family. Would a day out be acceptable? Would a UK holiday be acceptable? Either way the eldest is still missing out on family time with that family. But it can’t be avoided unless he stops contact with his father which is clearly not the right way to deal with this.

No, not at all. The fact you shouldn't exclude him from your family's holiday has no relation to whether his father includes him in his.

Is he? Sorry I didn’t realise you knew him so well.

yet again, another comment about divorce and ME personally breaking up the family unit… you really are triggered by women who leave relationships aren’t you. Also didn’t realise you knew my ex and I; and the reasons as to why we broke up.

I would never do this to any of my children, even if he was going abroad with his other parent.

Nothing to do with logistics, but everything to do with potentially upsetting my child, and how they might feel about it.

Young lads keep things to themselves, even if he was to be broken by it, you might not ever know.. nothing is worth that potentially happening.

Just my views and opinions.

I do see where you’re coming from OP. But I don’t think I could do this. I wouldn’t want to go on holiday without all my children, day trips etc is different, but a holiday is a big thing (well it is to me, we only go once a year though). Memories are made on holiday, photos are taken, sights are seen. When these are subsequently discussed/looked at afterwards and in the years to come, how will he feel that you all went and he is the only one who didn’t see the lovely beach, funny waiter, isn’t in the family photo etc?
I agree with PP who’ve mentioned that he’s inherently at a disadvantage to his siblings being the only one who has to go from one home to another, settle in again each time. He might feel a little bit left out each time he hears about anything he missed when he was away with his other family, I think I would.

Again, I see the logic, but this to me is something where the heart should rule the head, and you should all go together.

It's great that your son is seemingly so well adjusted and feels loved in both of his homes. But there is no way that his parents being divorced will not have affected him and will continue to affect him as an adult. It's just not possible. So his sisters do already have a built in advantage in their lives living with both of their parents. Please don't dismiss the effect of divorce on children, however amicable.

As far as the holiday goes, you chose to have 3 children and one of the consequences of that is that travel becomes more expensive. That's one of the reasons my husband and I decided to stop at 2 children. You have to face the consequences of your decision to have a 3rd child. Your son shouldn't.

In this situation, I think the person whose opinion matters most is your son's.
Have you asked him how he'd feel?
Fairness/parity of esteem doesn't always look like treating children exactly the same, thus I think a lot of people have been overly harsh in their responses.
Equally, you have come across as a tad argumentative in your responses, which doesn't always help the flow of threads.

Where have I called him my step son?

I do have a life outside of this thread you know…I’m sorry that my responses are not as quick to you as you’d like.

and I have answered this in response to you if you’d care to look for it.

Because as I’ve just said to someone else, I have a life outside of this thread and have other things to do than be replying and keeping up with this at every second of the day. If you look at how many comments are on this thread, surely you could understand that it takes a while to reply and get through them.

Only on MN - the place where posters are advised to LTB over any minor indiscretion - will you also get people heaping on the guilt and shame over being divorced with a child.

Wow you seem to know me so well…

You have posted 55 times since you started the thread

Sorry, my mistake - I was obviously mislead by the fact that you’d responded to plenty of other comments after it was originally asked (by several people, actually) why you didn’t just search for a cheaper holiday for the 5 of you.

i can see that you’d be too busy to respond to that question but not the others.

🤣 haha okay…

I have no issue with doing that. What I do have issue with, is people making up complete bullshit and painting me out to be someone I’m not. If people make comments like that, I am justified to question it.

I don’t need to start spilling my heart out to a load of strangers on the internet to PROVE that I have empathy; or to justify to anyone that I’m actually not a bad person. I asked a question, I gauged the responses, had discussions and ended up being accused of all sorts.

I've noticed that many people on this site are fixated on the idea of fairness, to the point where it clouds their judgment. They struggle to account for context or nuance. It's all, "That’s not fair; everyone must be treated exactly the same." That’s it. Nothing else seems to matter.

But in the real world, life doesn't really work that way. Ironically, the more rigidly you chase fairness, the more unfair outcomes you can actually create. There are just too many variables for true fairness to be anything but an illusion.

I’ve not read through the entire thread, but has anyone actually explained why it’s considered fair for the OP’s son to potentially get two holidays, but somehow unfair if the OP’s daughters get two in a scenario where he’s not included?

What I would consider is if one of your daughters were on a week long residential trip or away with friends would you choose that week to go away with your other children? If the answers no then you really have a lot to process.

But you can’t afford to go away a different week, one of your reasons.

Why would anyone answer differently? Your kids are with both their parents. He has to spend time separately with each. If his dad takes him abroad great. You though, can't treat him differently than your other kids. FGS you're his mum and thinking about you and £ ahead of your child. Get real!

You can easily find something for 5 of you. Use Google to find cheap flights and then look out an Airbnb....

No, it wouldn’t.

You need to make the holiday work for all your children. If he gets extra holidays, well that’s one of the very few perks of having to split your life between two homes.

No, it wouldn’t.

You need to make the holiday work for all your children. If he gets extra holidays, well that’s one of the very few perks of having to split your life between two homes.

No, it wouldn’t.

You need to make your holiday work for all your children. If he gets extra holidays with his dad, well, that’s one of the very few perks of having to split your life between two homes.