To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

Mum goes on to create a new family?

so did his dad not do the same?

Op

why don’t you get off mumsnet
and start hunting for a holiday for 5 that you can afford?

Op if you think going away with DD’s and leaving DS out is fine then why are you even asking on here? You must feel guilty in some way that this is not right?

Why not take him and your 9 year old, and leave the 4 year old with grandparents? 4 year olds can be really hard work on holiday and a 14 and 9 year old can do so much more and need less hands on supervision.

I’m being sarcastic by the way. I imagine you’d think it wrong to leave the 4 year old, but it’s the same as leaving your DS out.

You need to take all or none of them - 14 years old is at a very sensitive age and wrong/unfair decisions now will have a lasting impact.

There must be a cheaper option for all 5 of you or a way to be able to afford the extra cost of taking DS. Would his dad maybe contribute a bit or pay some maintenance early?

OP you’ve got to think what your opinion would be if he wasn’t your EXH’s child. What if he was your current DH’s? Would you think of excluding him purely because he was a teenager?

If you really want to do this I think you should speak with him and gauge his opinion. You’ll know from his reaction if he is “cool” with it. At least have the decent to ask his opinion first before doing it. There’s been some good points here that I won’t repeat but don’t user estimate how hurtful this could be if you get it wrong. For the sake of an extra person and few more hundred quid, couldn’t you just include him?

As the child left behind because I was getting a holiday with the other parent … it sucks. Inevitably that holiday will create core memories and it will come up on multiple
ocxasions as people reminisce… an you just sit there and try to smile… or someone tries to draw you into then conversation before remembering you weren’t there. It’s horrible.
Equality in blended families is about how you treat the children and YOU being fair to them all and treating them the same. How the world outside your home treats them is not your concern…. If your DD’s win a prize at school do you buy one for you son?

Please don't resort to childish comments , it doesn't help your thread.

Why do you keep saying you started it so you could listen to opinions , when you're overriding them ?

It's quite likely that you will book the holiday , then find out later that your DS won't actually be going abroad with his father . Too late .

You should save money from other aspects of your life and take your son .

Why do people come on here, start threads ASKING for opinions and then dig their heels in once the consensus goes against them?

It's a waste of everyone's time really.

As to the question at hand, I think leaving DS out of a family holiday would be a really malicious and extremely exclusionary thing to do. I can't imagine how hurt I'd feel if I were DS.

I think this is a great point! While being sarcastic how would you feel @Suncloudstars to leave the youngest behind and miss out? As @SociableAtWork says, a 4 year old might be harder work than a teen.

And the fact that she is clearly comfortable with the fact that her own son wouldn't be on the family holiday with them. Absolutely bloody baffling. Why would you not want one of your children, that you don't see full time anyway, on a family holiday?

You seem to have a strong issue/dislike for women from “failed relationships”. I bet you advocate that women stay in abusive relationships for the sake of the child…

I still hold a grudge for my parents going away on holiday for my birthday multiple years as a teen/early twenties!

Trolling us now, OP 🙄

That’s funny because I pay for everything for DS, his dad contributes hardly anything. I’m the one that gives him all of the experiences he’s had in life. So not sure how that “dick logic” you refer to applies here.

I know a father who does this. His shiny new family have holidays without his son from a previous relationship - the son is 10 and has just begun to refuse to see his Dad. If you do this, he is unlikely to forget that he was treated differently and not completely part of your new family unit.

Hit the nail on the head here. Fairness and equality… not everyone appears to understand this. I appreciate all of your comments; I know I haven’t replied personally to you - but you’re one of the only ones who seems to see where I’m coming from and haven’t slaughtered me for a thought (not a plan!) so thank you.

I wouldn't, it feels mean.

DS is 14 and is old enough to have an opinion and be part of the discussion. At that age I sometimes went away with friends and their families. At least once that I remember, my own family went away at the same time and I missed that holiday. It was not a big deal, I didn’t feel excluded, my mum talked to me about it. A nuclear family so less potential for jealousy or ongoing feelings of exclusion; and their trip was less interesting to me than what I could do with my friend. Also it was a school half term so there was less question of just moving it a week later and I could do both. I’d have been upset if they planned a holiday and didn’t talk to me about it!! And if it was something really exciting I’d have been upset they weren’t waiting for me. It was important that they were going on an ordinary (for us) camping trip and I was spending the week pony trekking, so I definitely felt I was getting the better end of that deal.

With a blended family I think there needs to be some coordination between all parts. I think if he’s spending one week out of six with his dad and that’s the week you plan to go away that could feel pretty bad to him. In general I’d try to arrange your holidays on different weeks from his dad and then ask ds which ones he wants to do — ie assume he’s part of both families plans but he’s old enough now that he might choose not to join in with all family activities. Sometimes that’s not possible due to other commitments or whatever and you’ll end up with a clash when you and his dad are planning a trip at the same time, but same principle he gets to decide which to do, he’s always wanted and welcome.

don’t plan a holiday when he’s away intentionally so you don’t have to take him unless it’s something he really really wouldn’t want to do that his sisters are into, and in that case you still need to talk to him so he knows why that’s happening and agrees he’s getting the better option (for him).

In summary, I think the issue is with you deciding whether he can come or not, rather than him being part of the planning. Everything else is distraction.

Your OP said he’s very unlikely to go abroad with the dad though. You’ve changed the goalposts to suit you.

No one has decided anything… as I’ve repeatedly said - it was a thought. No plans have been made or put into placed you’ll be thrilled to read.

Tell me who your favourite children are without telling me 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m not trying to justify anything, I’m having a discussion to try to understand others perspectives.

so many on here have accused me of going round in circles, justifying everything I say, ignoring advice etc etc. none of that is true.

Regardless of what he does with his Dad during their time together, you still have 3 children and they need to be treated the same by you and your now DH!! I could never take the rest of mine on holiday and leave one behind, especially for the reason that you can only afford for the 2 younger children to go. If you cannot afford for all 3 then none of you go 🤷‍♀️