Page 21 | To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

Suncloudstars · 2025-07-08T11:28:16+00:00

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP. The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays. I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s. As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead. Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad? It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc. We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all. Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

bobster31 · 08/07/2025 16:38

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:52

So if he’s getting an extra holiday, and having 2 abroad holidays this year, but DD’s only get one whilst DS goes abroad with his dad & co, is that then not unfair on DD’s?

if he was to go abroad with his dad & family, at the same time that we went with DD’s, then he’s not being excluded or missing out is he? Everyone is getting a second holiday, and he’s having a nice time with his dad.

I’m just struggling to understand why it would be wrong for us to go abroad if he was also going abroad at the same time.

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It is a bit unfair for your DS to miss out on a family holiday just so your DDs don't get upset don't you think? Why should he be penalised because of choices you and your ex have made? Would you not take one of your DDs on holiday just because you can't afford for all 5 of you to go - I doubt it! Your DS getting an extra holiday is just something your DDs will have to learn to deal with, it's not his fault he now has 2 families! All your children should be treated equally by you, their mother, or be prepared for the fall out in the future! (Speaking as someone whose sibling was treated much more favourably than she was!)

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 16:39

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 16:36

Here’s the answer that you were adamant I wouldn’t answer…

I can absolutely do that. No where have I said that I won’t or can’t. I went on to ask if it would be unreasonable to go abroad if DS ALSO went abroad. That’s what my question was about - the same week. No one has said I can’t or won’t go another week to somewhere cheaper, as lots have suggested.

as I’ve said multiple times, I’ve posted this question as a THOUGHT, to gauge what other people’s thoughts are. No where have I said I have actually booked a holiday, told DS I’m abandoning him and disappearing without him or any of the other comments made. It was a THOUGHT and I was trying to ascertain whether It would be a good move or not. Didn’t expect the absolute slaughtering from grown women.

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I think it's the fact that out of the 6-7 weeks of the summer holidays, you want to go abroad with your husband and two daughters on the one week your son can't go with you because you don't want to pay for him.

That's what all of us "grown women" are struggling with.

anotherwordforit · 08/07/2025 16:40

UsernameShmusername2024 · 08/07/2025 16:36

Presumably his dad wouldn't be leaving another child at home missing out on a holiday abroad if he was taking his son? That's the difference.

I agree with lots of PPs - this is horrible parenting particularly as it sounds as though he's the only kid in the mix who doesnt live with both his parents all the time but across 2 families. You clearly know it is, and know there'd be something to feel guilty about if you did this otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

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This.

it makes zero sense to say ‘is it fair on his sisters if he gets an extra holiday with his dad’ because they get their holidays with their mum and dad. It’s not relevant because DS’s dad and stepmum are not their family or relations. However for DS it is a case of ‘my parent has gone on holiday with my siblings but left me out’

Parents can try to make themselves feel better but those of us who have actually been that child will know how it feels and it’s unfair and absolutely is damaging.

ThatCyanCat · 08/07/2025 16:40

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 16:36

Here’s the answer that you were adamant I wouldn’t answer…

I can absolutely do that. No where have I said that I won’t or can’t. I went on to ask if it would be unreasonable to go abroad if DS ALSO went abroad. That’s what my question was about - the same week. No one has said I can’t or won’t go another week to somewhere cheaper, as lots have suggested.

as I’ve said multiple times, I’ve posted this question as a THOUGHT, to gauge what other people’s thoughts are. No where have I said I have actually booked a holiday, told DS I’m abandoning him and disappearing without him or any of the other comments made. It was a THOUGHT and I was trying to ascertain whether It would be a good move or not. Didn’t expect the absolute slaughtering from grown women.

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You asked people what they thought and then told them they were wrong when they told you what they thought. You now know what 95% of people you asked think.

I'm hoping that all this is just posturing and face saving and that you won't actually leave your kid behind while taking the others, but you think you'll look better if you act like you will.

DrowningInSyrup · 08/07/2025 16:41

angelita8 · 08/07/2025 16:05

One of my SC is into football, one is into horse riding. Should I be paying the former because I’m spending more on the latter?

It’s okay to treat children fairly. It doesn’t have to be 100% equal at every single moment as long as it balances out.

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Not comparable

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 16:42

anotherwordforit · 08/07/2025 16:40

This.

it makes zero sense to say ‘is it fair on his sisters if he gets an extra holiday with his dad’ because they get their holidays with their mum and dad. It’s not relevant because DS’s dad and stepmum are not their family or relations. However for DS it is a case of ‘my parent has gone on holiday with my siblings but left me out’

Parents can try to make themselves feel better but those of us who have actually been that child will know how it feels and it’s unfair and absolutely is damaging.

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Exactly! This is like saying "is it fair that my kids aunties and uncles take their cousins away if they aren't getting a holiday at the same time?"

It's a completely separate - and not their - family!!!

Catwoman8 · 08/07/2025 16:42

No absolutely not. It doesn't matter if his dad takes him for an extra holiday, thats a holiday with his dad, has nothing to do with your daughters. You all go, or none of you go, that is the way I would look at it.

diterictur · 08/07/2025 16:43

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 16:39

I think it's the fact that out of the 6-7 weeks of the summer holidays, you want to go abroad with your husband and two daughters on the one week your son can't go with you because you don't want to pay for him.

That's what all of us "grown women" are struggling with.

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Plus the fact that the OP can afford:
A three week long haul holiday in Asia
Two new cars
A bigger house
Multiple other UK breaks

But somehow her 14 year old coming on holiday is the place to draw a line on spending. What I want to know is why? Why is that where her mind goes to save a few quid?

SleepyLemur · 08/07/2025 16:43

I would book a long weekend somewhere local and cheap for you all, if you can't afford a holiday for all your kids. Seems really unfair on you DS otherwise. Completely different if he was definitely going away somewhere lovely with his dad that week, but he is not.

SleepyLemur · 08/07/2025 16:43

I would book a long weekend somewhere local and cheap for you all, if you can't afford a holiday for all your kids. Seems really unfair on you DS otherwise. Completely different if he was definitely going away somewhere lovely with his dad that week, but he is not.

SleepyLemur · 08/07/2025 16:43

I would book a long weekend somewhere local and cheap for you all, if you can't afford a holiday for all your kids. Seems really unfair on you DS otherwise. Completely different if he was definitely going away somewhere lovely with his dad that week, but he is not.

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 16:44

diterictur · 08/07/2025 16:43

Plus the fact that the OP can afford:
A three week long haul holiday in Asia
Two new cars
A bigger house
Multiple other UK breaks

But somehow her 14 year old coming on holiday is the place to draw a line on spending. What I want to know is why? Why is that where her mind goes to save a few quid?

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Yeah this. It's really sad tbh but the OP just won't see it no matter how many people try to get the point across.

Moonnstars · 08/07/2025 16:45

I don't actually understand what or why you are asking on here. Initially you started out with would it be unreasonable to leave DS out of a holiday because you can't afford it.
You have then gone on to say you have overspent on a 3 week holiday to Asia already, a new home and 2 new cars.
When people have questioned whether you could do a cheaper break and take all 3 children you have said that you are already doing this!

I am beginning to think this is a wind up post as there clearly aren't any financial issues to prevent you taking DS at all and the points you are making I think are to wind people up and get a reaction.

ScunneredWife · 08/07/2025 16:53

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:01

There’s zero competition. I’m referring more to fairness to DD’s if he goes abroad whilst we sit at home.

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But you’ve already said, he has two separate families. What he does with his other family is what he does with them; you taking the remaining part of his other family abroad without him is just mean.

Original poster

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 16:54

ThatCyanCat · 08/07/2025 14:48

OP ignore all of these ppl

Don't worry, she will.

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You sound like you know me so well…. Just because others on here might ignore advice, done make an assumption that I’m the same. No need for rudeness.

OP posts:

DyslexicPoster · 08/07/2025 16:55

Going against the grain here. I have 4 kids. Ds17 doesn't want to come on our family holiday. He said because he went to Italy with school in March so knows we have spent out on him. But importantly he doesn't want to. Op talk to ds. Explain as you have here.

He knows your part of his family. It's not a trend ( is it? Your debating it so I'm presuming not) you could compromise and save this money to do it all five of you next year. But start with asking him. Maybe he doesn't even care?

Rockhopper3 · 08/07/2025 16:55

dumbo67 · 08/07/2025 16:33

So what do you suggest then? Parents stay together unhappily to avoid the two family scenario? One parent stops contact with the other so that the dc can just be fully part of one family?

It isn’t an ideal situation when relationships break down. But laying it on thick about it ‘messing with their head’ is unhelpful and inaccurate. Might have been the case for you but it’s not like that for everyone.

And she’s not orchestrated it that way has she? The way I read it was that the child is going to his dads anyway - so they are considering a cheaper family holiday at the same time.

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OP hasn’t orchestrated it but is considering taking advantage of it to slip the luxury family holiday in .She seems puzzled that so many people have reacted so strongly . Why isn’t she considering leaving a daughter with a friend & taking her son another week if she just wants to save money ?
The answer seems to me that the daughters are a fixed part of a nuclear family whilst the son floats between two . Never quite fully a part of either .

I definitely would never advocate for anyone to stay in an unhappy relationship . Fully support parents splitting up if things are really not working out as believe everyone should be as happy as possible in this short life .

However also feel everything should be done to ensure a child from the first relationship should feel completely integrated into both family units and to me ( and the majority of people being polled ) this is a glaring example of ignoring that principle.

I have worked with many young people & adults in this situation. It really screws people up .

Praying4Peace · 08/07/2025 16:55

Vaxtable · 08/07/2025 12:31

Poor kid. Ok he’s with his dad, but stuck in this country, no holiday abroad whilst his mum, step dad and two siblings bugger off abroad again

you treat all your kids the same, so if you can’t afford for you all to go, none of you go

Says it all

Original poster

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 16:56

Freeme31 · 08/07/2025 14:49

@Haemagoblinwas so spot on, i wonder if you are perhaps lacking in emotional intelligence? Also see your avoiding answering where your “current” husband stands on excluding your child is he really as ok with this as you are ?

Far from it.
funnily enough I asked this question to deepen my emotional intelligence around the subject.

another rude one…

OP posts:

newfriend05 · 08/07/2025 16:57

OP I know lots of people who do this , I think people are not looking at the bigger picture, your have all been on a 3 week long haul holiday as a family , he's going away with his dad .. why not take your girls on holiday..

1stTimeMummy2021 · 08/07/2025 16:58

@Suncloudstars Anyone who thinks a child isn't impacted by having divorced parents needs a serious reality check.

Milsie892 · 08/07/2025 17:00

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

No it wouldn’t change a thing. How can you leave one child out? Cannot believe you are even asking to be honest.

AnonymousBleep · 08/07/2025 17:00

Catcooper25uk · 08/07/2025 15:26

Ok to put things into perspective I was a child of divorce and I did things with my dad sometimes and sometimes i did things with my mum when I was with her. I have a younger sister and we did things together and separately and neither of us have grown up traumatised so there you go not every child of divorce is traumatised fragile little things.

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Lucky you. I'm not a 'fragile little thing' either but was still really hurt andd traumatised at being continually left out of the family unit. I'd NEVER do that to my kids. I wouldn't want to anyway, so that's an easy decision to make. The only reason it's being made at all by the OP is because subconsciously she doesn't actually consider that child to be part of her nuclear family.

In a few years she'll be on here wondering why she has a poor relationship with her oldest child, despite providing him materially with loads of stuff and him positively relishing having 'two families'...

Goatinthegarden · 08/07/2025 17:01

I’ve worked with lots of children with two families. The thing that comes up in conversation over and over again is being upset over interesting things mum or dad are doing with their ‘new’ family that don’t include them because they are with their other parent. No matter how much parents try to keep things neutral and fair, most children perceive that they are being left out because they have an obligation to split their time in two.

A holiday is a really big family bonding experience for a child to be left out of and feel left out of.

A pp mentions a 17 year old child not wanting to go - that’s quite different. 17 year old is at an age where they’re looking for independence and probably looking to spend a bit of unsupervised time with pals. They’ve chosen to ‘miss out’.

Poetnojo · 08/07/2025 17:02

Jesus OP you're getting a hard time over this. I don't see it as such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. If your DS is going on holidays with his Dad, I would at least broach the subject with your son. I'd tell him you saw a good last minute deal on a holiday that coincided with his holiday and you were considering booking it. I'd gauge his reaction and go from there. Hardly crime of the century fgs. There's plenty of separated parents, even ones on here, putting their kids through a lot worse and they wouldn't get the same stick you seem to be getting.