To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

OP you were never going to win simply because you have a split family. I had a nuclear family and I went on a holiday with just my parents and even had a Christmas where one sibling was elsewhere for various reasons. One sibling went to private school for three years while none of the others did. Again for reasons that were explained to the children. The hyper focus on fairness trains children just to look for differences between them to have “equity” rather than recognising that even in nuclear families there are differences in need. Doesn’t mean that readjusting and balancing may need to occur but I’d say over all none of us in my family feel hard done by.

but as I said, on mumsnet you will not win because there is a stepchild/half siblings/broken family involves

Which is exactly what the OP is suggesting. Getting a cheaper holiday for the four of them whilst her son’s at his Dad’s for the week .

Being the child straddling two happy families that you’re never quite a full part of messes with your head however many cheery , comforting lies the respective parents tell themselves about about the situation about them ‘having two families’.

That’s literally what’s she’s doing. She can’t afford it for all of them so she has specifically chosen the week her son is with his dad to go away without him. She hoped his dad would take him away to soften the blow but he’s not. So she is deliberately excluding him for her own benefit

Her younger kids do miss out if they’re expected to sit at home and do nothing whilst their brother is on holiday with his other family.

What do you mean ‘miss out’ and ‘do nothing’? Can’t they just live their normal lives for a week, then all go on holiday when ds is back?

You seem triggered?

are you okay hun?

No, don't do this. He will feel excluded, even if he says he doesn't. He's coming up to teenage years and needs to feel wanted and loved, and this is not the way to go. X

Completely agree. He’s 14 so I’m sure he already feels that he’s not a full member of either family but his mum’s family who he spends more time with would be the worst to be excluded from.

It doesn’t matter what other holidays he has or doesn’t have, he will be watching his mum prepare for a lovely holiday without him. I honestly feel sad at the thought. Being excluded is never a nice feeling and he’s old enough to know that she’s chosen the week he’s going to his dads, it wasn’t an accident

You’re verging on becoming nasty; and sound quite jealous to be honest…

Why post and ask if you don’t want genuine feedback?

Also what the DS does with his dad’s family doesn’t concern his sisters because neither of those adults are their parents or any relation to them. It’s not the same at all.

And yes I agree people who say things like ‘well that’s just the reality of mixed families’ to justify one child never being fully included and left out of things, those comforting words aren’t going to make that child look back on their childhood with any less sadness and bitterness.

I can acknowledge that. But I don’t need to. Because I’ll just get more hate for saying that we already have uk breaks booked, camping etc. funnily enough, all that include DS!

Might try that next time then

@Suncloudstars OP honestly there is no way around this. No way would I leave my eldest behind and take my 2 youngest. And yes I also have 3 kids - the eldest is 12 (so they pay adult prices). Doesn’t matter if he is going with dad family or not. Pick a different week, pick a cheaper holiday or don’t go. That is what I would do - which is what you asked - now you can take it or leave it. You talk about trying to understand the logic - the logic is - I had 3 kids I need to treat 3 kids the same. Unless he doesn’t want to go (and I was sure he doesn’t want to go: and let’s be honest I would encourage him to come anyways) there is no scenario where leaving him at home is inclusive. No, it’s not detrimental to your DDs if he goes with his dad family and they don’t get a second holiday - because the dad family it’s not their family. Show him that in your blended family he is not disposable, inconvenient or remotely less valued that your other kids.

I'd give this thread up OP, you don't like peoples answers and it's all getting a bit mean and passive aggressive

I'm not sure why you keep banging on that you have plenty of money, you've just spent it on other things so the only cost-cutting exercise will be you and your second family going on holiday when your son is at his dad's. You think it makes you sounds reasonable, but it really doesn't.

You obviously have a very affluent standard of living so you can afford three children but by implementing some small economies in other areas, you could easily afford to take all your children on this European holiday, but it's very clear that you don't want to.

Never understood why the term ‘do gooder’ is an insult.
Here apparently it’s people letting the OP know that she has the option of choosing to make her son feel properly loved by including him in a cheaper holiday rather than treating two of her children to a luxury one & excluding him because he’s doesn’t count as a full part of the family unit

So ask him if he'd like to be included in this hypothetical holiday.

Have you spoken with him and asked if he would mind? If he is going away as well?

Well you're obviously going to try it this time, so start as you mean to go on. Your eldest can explain later to the other kids left behind not to be surprised about it.

So what do you suggest then? Parents stay together unhappily to avoid the two family scenario? One parent stops contact with the other so that the dc can just be fully part of one family?

It isn’t an ideal situation when relationships break down. But laying it on thick about it ‘messing with their head’ is unhelpful and inaccurate. Might have been the case for you but it’s not like that for everyone.

And she’s not orchestrated it that way has she? The way I read it was that the child is going to his dads anyway - so they are considering a cheaper family holiday at the same time.

Presumably his dad wouldn't be leaving another child at home missing out on a holiday abroad if he was taking his son? That's the difference.

I agree with lots of PPs - this is horrible parenting particularly as it sounds as though he's the only kid in the mix who doesnt live with both his parents all the time but across 2 families. You clearly know it is, and know there'd be something to feel guilty about if you did this otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

Here’s the answer that you were adamant I wouldn’t answer…

I can absolutely do that. No where have I said that I won’t or can’t. I went on to ask if it would be unreasonable to go abroad if DS ALSO went abroad. That’s what my question was about - the same week. No one has said I can’t or won’t go another week to somewhere cheaper, as lots have suggested.

as I’ve said multiple times, I’ve posted this question as a THOUGHT, to gauge what other people’s thoughts are. No where have I said I have actually booked a holiday, told DS I’m abandoning him and disappearing without him or any of the other comments made. It was a THOUGHT and I was trying to ascertain whether It would be a good move or not. Didn’t expect the absolute slaughtering from grown women.

So why not cancel one of those and use the money to add your son onto your European holiday?

If it was just you and dp having a few days away no dc that would be different. But as it stands you can’t afford to go on a family holiday as you can’t afford for you all to go. Could you all go in the uk instead? My dc get upset that their dad holidays abroad a few times a year without them but never takes them.