To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

No, either all my kids go with me on holiday or we don’t go and find one where it’s affordable to take all three. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself knowing I’d left my son out and I’d worry that it will cause resentment and drive a wedge between him and his half sisters.

Revisit that statement with him when he’s an adult . Being the child who wasn’t part of the nuclear family but always in the ‘visitor’ role really messes with your head .

I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to go on holiday without DS (14) assuming he's been on holiday with his dad and other step siblings. I bet his dad has been on holiday without him (but taken his half siblings).
OP said they'd been on holiday for 3 WEEKS to SE Asia at Easter altogether.
Seriously get a grip folks.
Just ask him if he's OK with it, if he's not then you might be in a pickle but he'll probably not mind unless you're planning on going somewhere that he really wants to go to.
OP just have a good chat with your son and check with his dad what he's planning to do with his son re holidays.

One of my SC is into football, one is into horse riding. Should I be paying the former because I’m spending more on the latter?

It’s okay to treat children fairly. It doesn’t have to be 100% equal at every single moment as long as it balances out.

So you can afford it or you can't? Which is it?

Not that it matters because it seems like you're determined to go without him anyway, for whatever the real reason is.

Sorry but I think this would be incredibly cruel. It’s not just the holiday, it’s the stories afterwards, the photos, the memories. It’s incredibly devisive not to include him. I’d go on a cheaper holiday (few days at a premier inn, holiday park, camping) or just some nice days out and take everyone.

@beetr00 I understand that but my DH was also not a SD and not only that I also don't class myself as DD Stepmum nor does she class me as that. I would also never refer to my children or my DD siblings on her mums side as "half" but that is just me.

My point was that when you share children with their other parent it does not mean that you cannot do anything when that child is with said parent. If her son does go abroad with his dad then what is she doing wrong? Is she to lock her and the rest of the family indoors for the week incase DS might feel left out? I'm fairly sure he wouldn't be bothered if he was having fun in the sun with his dad, SM and siblings. I think it just needs to be discussed with all involved.

Some of these replies are utterly batshit. You’re showing yourselves up here ladies.
Calling her a shitty parent, insinuating that the kids dad cares more, the ‘shiny new family’ remark…and these are just the ones I can be arsed to read.

As someone who has a child from a previous relationship I can tell you that I’ve always hated him going away without me. When he was little it was especially hard to wave him off for a week with his dad. I’d get sick with anxiety and missing him. I found it very hard to be in our own surroundings and routine without him being there so I’d often use that opportunity to go away myself just for a change of scenery. As time passed and I had my other dc it’s still something we do when ds goes away. I will never get used to having to spend weeks at a time away from him. I still hate it even though he’s a teen now. But life has to go on. And ds has never once expressed any jealousy or upset about the fact we’ve done something because he’s been having fun with his dads family and what we’re doing hasn’t even crossed his mind.

This is the reality for blended families. You are not a selfish, shitty, uncaring parent because you still choose to live life when your kid isn’t there. Unless you are deliberately leaving them out for your own benefit - ie sending them off to their dads so you can have a cheaper holiday - then it’s fine.

Make him part of a family bonding experience then. The four of you will go away, share this experience as a four, have anecdotes as a four and it will be yet another thing that he's outside of.

You and a previous poster were mocking the idea of him being excluded from day trips to the park or McDonald's, but that's exactly the point. He IS on the outside of that and you are now wanting to make the choice to leave him out of a bigger event.

I think holidays are quite a bonding thing for families to do as it is outside the day to day grind where you can all relax together or experience something new together. If he holidays with his dad, then that's a time for him to bond with his dad and their family. You proposing to cut him out of your family bonding time is seperate to it being a tit for tat holiday. That's what people are upset/shocked by.

I love your assumptions 🤣 as I’ve previously said, we’ve just moved house, had 2 new cars, so spending a big amount on another holiday in the short term is not a good idea. By no means does it mean we can’t afford 3 children!

Take your 3 children and leave dp at home.

Really can’t understand why some posters can’t see the difference between having some days out during the week DS is with his Dad - trips that are more suitable for very young DC for example - and a family holiday.

Thing is…. This poor boy is likely to have an utterly shite holiday with the OP anyway.

So might actually be in his interests to take any money from her and do something with people who actually want him there and love his company

So…. Don’t spend a “big amount” 🤷

I don’t think it’s out of order, OP. DS is meant to be going away with his dad so you guys go away the same week.

If he doesn’t have a week away with his dad then that’s on his dad - not you.

Posters saying ‘ask him if he minds ‘ or ‘pay him ‘ … It’s up to a Mother to say ‘we wouldn’t dream of going on holiday without you . We’d miss you too much ‘ That’s what matters to a child who is an ‘add on’ to two nuclear families rather than a solid part of one family .
Why don’t you leave one of your daughters behind with a friend and take your son instead ? ….

OP, instead of asking posters how they've drawn their conclusions about you, perhaps ask yourself why 95% of people say YABU, and why you refuse to listen to them even though you asked them.

No.

The point of this thread is whether it’s okay to deliberately take a holiday during your non-contact time, to reduce the cost of the holiday by one person.

If you’d like advice on how to manage children with hobbies that cost differing amounts, I would suggest starting a new thread on that topic.

Exactly!
I'm pretty shocked at this to be honest & feel the op displays a spectacular lack of empathy or understanding of what her eldest child's reality is like compared to her other children.

Life is all right for her, therefore it's all right for him...when she's not the one schlepping from house to house.....

So.... again.... What would you do if all 3 of your children were with the same dad (your DH)?

Would you bin the holiday because you couldn't afford it?

Or scrape together the funds to take them all?

Or go on a cheaper, possibly shorter break in the UK?

Exactly this. Why not leave your 9 year old with grandparents and then you can afford to take your 14 and 4 year old away. Everyone happy? No I thought not.

Absolutely this 👏

"Son, you don't mind if me and your step-dad take your two sisters on a lovely European holiday without you do you?"

Nice.

Although not as bad as the poster who suggested offering him money not to go.

Well why do you want to choose this way to save a few quid? You tell us why excluding your 14 year old was the first thing to come to mind, rather than the more obvious options like a different holiday

No you can’t just not take one of your children :(

I remember a while ago someone posted about their exH taking his new wife and daughter for a holiday to Disneyland, leaving behind his other daughter (OPs DD) . Lots of posters insisted they are ‘their own family unit’ but it’s never going to feel the way to the child is it? It’s just going to be ‘oh my parent took my sibling on holiday and not me’