Page 18 | To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

tootyflooty · 08/07/2025 15:50

My older son from my 1st Marriage used to have two holidays a year with his dad, he also came on our annual family holiday both before and after his siblings from my 2nd marriage were born. I would never entertain a holiday without him. I have 3 children and we all holiday together. My younger two are not missing out or disadvantaged because their older brother has more holidays. I really would never consider doing this. I strongly advise against this, especially asking his opinion on the matter.

ModerateOrGoodOccasionallyPoor · 08/07/2025 15:50

DillyDallyingAllDay · 08/07/2025 12:48

He’s old enough to be asked- have a discussion with him; that you’re thinking of taking the girls away for the week he’s with his dad- his dad has told you he’s planning something etc. if he’s not happy with you going away, then don’t go without him. You don’t need to get into not being able to afford to take him; maybe put it as a we can only afford to go that week because of holiday pricing? I’d defo be asking DS though- whether you give him the full details of cost etc or not.

I agree with this. Make it an attractive option by offering him a decent amount of money as compensation. Not as much as it would cost to take him with you, obviously, but enough of a sweetener that it's worth his while to agree to your proposal. Tell him it's so that he can have some great days out over the summer holidays of his choosing, or to just treat himself to something special.

What has he got to lose? He either takes the money and doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year, or he doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year (because none of you will go) and he gets no money either.

LovingLimePeer · 08/07/2025 15:51

This isn't kind. All the children go or none of you should go.

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 15:52

ModerateOrGoodOccasionallyPoor · 08/07/2025 15:50

I agree with this. Make it an attractive option by offering him a decent amount of money as compensation. Not as much as it would cost to take him with you, obviously, but enough of a sweetener that it's worth his while to agree to your proposal. Tell him it's so that he can have some great days out over the summer holidays of his choosing, or to just treat himself to something special.

What has he got to lose? He either takes the money and doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year, or he doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year (because none of you will go) and he gets no money either.

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Oh yes definitely offer your son money to not come on holiday with you!!!!

What the fuck. Seriously.

Clarabell77 · 08/07/2025 15:52

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:48

I think too much emphasis has been put on the “can’t afford to pay for them all”. If I could rewrite it then I would omit that part - it’s mainly about us going on holiday at the same time that he is potentially going to be going away with his dad.

Financially we are a very comfortable family and give all 3 children equal and amazing experiences. With having a 3 week trip around south east Asia over Easter, and since moving to a bigger house and both myself and DP having new cars each in the past month, I’m just trying to reign in the finances.

I think people have got the image that he’s a severely disadvantaged child, excluded from family life and lives in the cupboard under the stairs.

Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Since establishing that it would be shit to go abroad if he just sat at his dads for the week, I’m merely trying to ascertain whether it would still be a shit thing to do to go abroad IF he was also going abroad with his dad at the same time.

I don’t feel it’s of big of a thing that people seem to think it is - or maybe I’m just a shit parent, who knows.

Easy for people to make assumptions and comments when they know absolutely nothing about a person, a child or their life; which is obviously what happens on an online forum without every spec of detail given in a post.

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I think even if he goes with his dad it would personally make me feel quite sad not having one of my kids with me on holiday, I’d rather go somewhere cheaper and have him come along. He should get more holidays as he’s the one who doesn’t get to live with both his parents, whether it works well or not, it’s not ideal.

Upyouget · 08/07/2025 15:52

So relieved to see that sense has prevailed and a whopping 95% think the op is being unreasonable.

Too. right!!

BertSymptom · 08/07/2025 15:53

Alongthetowpath · 08/07/2025 15:42

Personally I don’t get all the drama about “family” holidays and making memories and how everyone has to be together.

I think as long as everyone gets the same opportunities to have a holiday they enjoy, it doesn’t necessarily have to be everyone together all the time.

I have sometimes gone away with Dc and not DH, or one Dc and not the other, and the same with DH - we are not divorced though, so there are no step families etc involved, which perhaps makes it less exclusionary. Dc see either me or DH remaining behind to work quite often, so holidays aren’t necessarily viewed as something the whole family always does - though we do go away all together sometimes.

We actually haven’t been abroad all together for over a decade but each of us have been abroad within the past year. We have holidayed all together in this country every year.

If DS isn’t going away anywhere with his dad that week, then I think you ought to make it up to him - maybe a trip somewhere just the two of you which his sisters wouldn’t enjoy, later in the summer holidays or October half term or something.

It’s the step family element which adds the complication.

Lots of kids in blended families are already questioning where they stand. Being the kid from the first marriage and not being taken on the family holiday is different to your examples.

OneBrightMorning · 08/07/2025 15:53

Of course you would be unreasonable to go on holiday without your DS, as 95% of MNers have indicated. You can't afford to take him? Well, then wait until you've saved enough money so that the whole family can go on holiday together.

It probably won't be long before he chooses not to go on family holidays anyway. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Whatado · 08/07/2025 15:55

angelita8 · 08/07/2025 15:42

Her younger kids do miss out if they’re expected to sit at home and do nothing whilst their brother is on holiday with his other family.

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But that isn't the option.

She has a set amount of money. She is choosing to spend that money excluding one child v spending it including all her children.

And those are the breaks when you create a blended family. Her children have a host of other benefits her son doesn't.

Sandmaennchen · 08/07/2025 15:55

Op, why aren’t you listening to those of us who have been in your ds’s position?

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 08/07/2025 15:56

ModerateOrGoodOccasionallyPoor · 08/07/2025 15:50

I agree with this. Make it an attractive option by offering him a decent amount of money as compensation. Not as much as it would cost to take him with you, obviously, but enough of a sweetener that it's worth his while to agree to your proposal. Tell him it's so that he can have some great days out over the summer holidays of his choosing, or to just treat himself to something special.

What has he got to lose? He either takes the money and doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year, or he doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year (because none of you will go) and he gets no money either.

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Buying a child out of a family holiday is gross.

yuk.

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 15:57

OneBrightMorning · 08/07/2025 15:53

Of course you would be unreasonable to go on holiday without your DS, as 95% of MNers have indicated. You can't afford to take him? Well, then wait until you've saved enough money so that the whole family can go on holiday together.

It probably won't be long before he chooses not to go on family holidays anyway. Enjoy it while it lasts.

I imagine the OP will be quite relieved when DS is old enough to choose not to go along with them....

ThatCyanCat · 08/07/2025 15:57

ModerateOrGoodOccasionallyPoor · 08/07/2025 15:50

I agree with this. Make it an attractive option by offering him a decent amount of money as compensation. Not as much as it would cost to take him with you, obviously, but enough of a sweetener that it's worth his while to agree to your proposal. Tell him it's so that he can have some great days out over the summer holidays of his choosing, or to just treat himself to something special.

What has he got to lose? He either takes the money and doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year, or he doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year (because none of you will go) and he gets no money either.

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"I'll pay you not to come on holiday with us, son."

Tink3rbell30 · 08/07/2025 15:58

No, all of you or none of you.

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 15:58

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 08/07/2025 15:56

Buying a child out of a family holiday is gross.

yuk.

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Yep and also not sure how that's even an option when the OP is allegedly so skint that she can't afford to pay for her son to go with them...

Original poster

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 15:58

ToldMeTheTruth97Percent · 08/07/2025 14:19

I agree.
it doesn't sound like he has 2 full families. Sounds like he has a lovely 'full' family on his dad's side.
and a part time family on his mums.

I have no idea how a mother, regardless of the dads holidays or plans, could exclude their child.
how can a mother exclude a son and take the other kids abroad, over planning a smaller UK holiday where it benefits them all.
it's all well and good saying that they all feel the same but OPs kids with the newer bloke aren't having to share their time with their mum.

what an awful thing to put a kid through. And to be so blaze about divorce not affecting him? How could you possibly know.

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which part what I’ve said has given you the impression he has a “lovely full family on his dads side”? I haven’t once discussed anything about what his dad and family are like.

and what part of what I’ve said has made you reach the conclusion that he only has a part time family on my side?

OP posts:

Justmadeoneup · 08/07/2025 15:59

Is anyone else absolutely cringing at this post 🤣 I just assumed it was the stepfather writing the post, then realised, oh no it's actually the boys mum! Stop calling him your step son,that's so weird. So many comments about your financial situation, holidays are not that grand to your family etc, eugh gives me the ick. Now you've twisted your original post to pretend you were actually asking if it would be wrong to go away the same week he is abroad with his dad, a complete contradiction to the info already provided. Like the vast majority have already said, yes, its wrong to plan your family holiday the week he is will be with his dad. You know it is and you know why.

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 15:59

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 15:58

which part what I’ve said has given you the impression he has a “lovely full family on his dads side”? I haven’t once discussed anything about what his dad and family are like.

and what part of what I’ve said has made you reach the conclusion that he only has a part time family on my side?

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Are you ever going to answer why you can't go away another week in the the school holidays to somewhere more affordable so you can take all of your children @Suncloudstars ?

nam3c4ang3 · 08/07/2025 15:59

Sorry - this is YOUR OWN CHILD that you're excluding? God - this is potentially one the shittiest things ive read on here. Normally its the step parent being shitty - BUT HIS OWN MUM?!

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 08/07/2025 16:00

OP, why are you ignoring all the posters asking why you don’t just cut your cloth accordingly and find somewhere cheaper for all 5 of you?

S251 · 08/07/2025 16:00

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:28

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

Wow. I can’t believe you’re actually considering this. Your son is under 18 you either take them all or no one goes.

alongdayforthis · 08/07/2025 16:01

angelita8 · 08/07/2025 15:49

100%. Kids model the behaviour they see and all this drama is unnecessary. My SC miss out on a holiday with their mum but they have a great time with us instead. Holidays and fun and happy memories aren’t finite.

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It's wonderful they have a great time with you but it could also effect how they feel about things when they miss out on things with their Mum (because she's presumably not including them, not because they're with you iyswim). You're on the other side of this conversation, presumably where OP's DS's Dad is.

ThatsCute · 08/07/2025 16:01

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 14:33

I’ve literally just said that I’m trying to reign in the finances due to lots of big recent expenditure. In response to those who were implying that I literally couldn’t afford to have three children.

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The crux of it is that due to financial decisions you’ve committed to this year (new cars, etc) you are not in a position to take all of your children on this holiday. You are deliberately choosing to go when one child is away, no matter how you try to paint it. It’s not cool, and if you can’t afford an additional holiday abroad for ALL of your children; then you point blank can’t afford it. The mental gymnastics you’re doing to rationalise this are exhausting.

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 16:02

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 08/07/2025 16:00

OP, why are you ignoring all the posters asking why you don’t just cut your cloth accordingly and find somewhere cheaper for all 5 of you?

Because she doesn't want that to be an option. She wants her perfect European holiday with her family of 4 (5 is an odd number and too expensive - despite her choosing to have 3 children).

angelita8 · 08/07/2025 16:04

OP I actually think a lot of people just read it was a blended family and clicked Unreasonable without realising he’s your son 😂 comprehension isn’t strong in these parts…