To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

If both your children are yours and your DHs then it's not relevant at all. One child in the OPs situation has his parents split across two households and none of the other children do. It's completely different.

We are a blended family each with a child each and children together.

You like lots of parents in blended families are relying on the "but he has his dad's family" as your defence and he has two families to justify your rationale.

Your correct he has two families. Meaning he is supposed to be an equal member of both.

Your younger children dont lose out by anything he does with his fathers family because they arent a part of it. Its no different than what their friends or your neighbours do with their kids.

He how ever will lose out on a family experience in your family unit because he unlike your other kids is the one shifting back and forth, managing more complicated family relationships, schedules and an list of another million things they dont.

We have big age differences so there was times we took the younger to things they had already done at their age but that was then balanced by trips for their age without the younger ones.

But family holidays they were all included until they were old enough not to want to come with family.

If you think it isnt such a big deal sit him down and tell him straight to his face you, his siblings and his SD are going away on a family holiday the week he is shipping out to his dad's because you cant afford to pay for him and rather than find a holiday that you all can go on a week he is there you are going with that option. Also throw in your sure he won't mind because you know he is blessed with two families.

What his face and body laungage and then see how well adapted he is to your family circumstances.

You’re othering him. He might already not feel part of either family fully but this would make it worse, and be more heartbreaking as he’s with you the most

Come on OP! You asked AIBU, virtually everyone has said yes, and yet 11 pages in and you are still trying to justify your original posting which said you wanted to leave him behind to save money and asking for opinions on that. We know. He knows. I’ve got a DS14 and he would be gutted to be left out of a family holiday. Older DD, not so much. Why not just wait a few years, he’ll be older then and family holidays no longer something so special for him. But right now? Leaving him with his dad (and don’t give it all the ‘but they might be going on holiday too,’ because your earlier post said he was going to but now probably wasn’t,) is just mean. You are mean.

It’s not that different. I’ve taken one of my SC away before whilst DH is at home with the rest. It’s especially important in big families where attention can be divided. Different kids have different needs at different times.

How did you reach this conclusion?

It just doesn't add up, all the expenses this year so far and yet his holiday will push them over the edge

They might do, but the OP is in a position to minimise this. And she’s making a deliberate decision to leave him out.

Why gauge public opinion if it's worthless and she knows best whatever we say?

OFC YABU!! It’s not your son’s fault you’re no longer with his dad. This is awful

Go for it if you want your son to feel excluded by his own mother and feel "othered"

Wow are you feeling okay?

You could do something else and include him and have an equally nice time.

Her younger kids do miss out if they’re expected to sit at home and do nothing whilst their brother is on holiday with his other family.

Personally I don’t get all the drama about “family” holidays and making memories and how everyone has to be together.

I think as long as everyone gets the same opportunities to have a holiday they enjoy, it doesn’t necessarily have to be everyone together all the time.

I have sometimes gone away with Dc and not DH, or one Dc and not the other, and the same with DH - we are not divorced though, so there are no step families etc involved, which perhaps makes it less exclusionary. Dc see either me or DH remaining behind to work quite often, so holidays aren’t necessarily viewed as something the whole family always does - though we do go away all together sometimes.

We actually haven’t been abroad all together for over a decade but each of us have been abroad within the past year. We have holidayed all together in this country every year.

If DS isn’t going away anywhere with his dad that week, then I think you ought to make it up to him - maybe a trip somewhere just the two of you which his sisters wouldn’t enjoy, later in the summer holidays or October half term or something.

First few comments are typical AIBU dross. Anything to shame someone and make themselves feel superior.
I would feel guilty but ultimately your ds is not with you and it won’t matter one jot to him if you are abroad or if you stay at home all week. Sometimes you have to think with your head not your heart. There are two other dc in the family who would benefit from a holiday and not doing it solely because it’s unfair to your son is equally unfair to them.
I do get the feelings of guilt but this is just the reality of blended families.

Ok. So the but about one child coming on holiday and the other not wasn't relevant? Or the bit where I said she should make it 'fair' by only having an abroad holiday if that's what DS is getting with his dad?

I wouldn't do that. It's not fair for him to miss out. Perhaps it would be ok if his dad was taking him on an amazing holiday somewhere, but that's not happening. If you can't afford to take all three of your children, you can't afford a holiday.

U don't go on holiday and not take all the kids. U ask your son if he would like to go or if his dad has planned something. U just don't treat kids differently.

This ^

I have SC and a child with DH, their mum regularly holidays with or without them, we regularly holiday with (but wouldn’t rule out without them too). We take different children for different days out and trips depending on their interests. Sometimes DH or I will have to work and miss something.

It’s not “one family holiday abroad a year” for us, or for their mum, or OP. There doesn’t need to be this much drama around it unless you make it that way.

Came to say similar.

I’m in my thirties with kids of my own and it still hurts that my Dad stopped including me and my brother on his family holidays when I was in my teens. If we were lucky we got a postcard to say what a lovely time he and his new family were having…

I appreciate you’re coming at this from a practical point of view but honestly going on a family holiday without him is a sure fire way of letting your son know where he stands.

I find this really odd, because you've asked a question and when you've had answers you don't like you've argued every one of them! So why ask?

I think you are being unreasonable to have even asked when you won't take the answers on board, and also unreasonable to go on holiday without one of your children.

If he got an extra holiday so what that goes some way to balancing out the fact he has to cope with juggling 2 families, seperate households and expectations, not living full time with either set of siblings so yeah it's not your dds who are disadvantaged.....it's unfair to go for the reasons you state that you cant afford to take him. I bet if you put on your budget dates and location mumsnet would find you something affordable for 5 rather than 4

The amount of reaching going on on this post is ridiculous. I bet you wish you’d never posted now OP!

If a child spends time with another parent, you cannot be expected to just sit at home and mourn their absence every time they go. That is ridiculous. I am sure that your son has experiences with his father’s family that your daughters who live with you don’t have. And it’s probably not healthy for anyone to be keeping score.

The key thing is how your son will feel about it. And you are the best person to gauge his response. It could barely register with him as he knows he will do things with his dad instead.

100%. Kids model the behaviour they see and all this drama is unnecessary. My SC miss out on a holiday with their mum but they have a great time with us instead. Holidays and fun and happy memories aren’t finite.