To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

smaller than a car - if you were desperate for another holiday maybe you should have reigned your finances by postponing buying 2 cars at the same time instead of excluding your DS.
And no, trip to cinema, mcdonalds, to the park (unless again it is his favourite them park and you won't take him again later) is not comparable to holiday abroad.

As the stepchild who has always been excluded from family holidays I can tell you at the age of 50 it still hurts.

Good i hope she does. She's not doing anything wrong. Ppl seem to forget that children have 2 parents and not 1 and this lad sees and spends time with dad.

Too many do gooders and judgmental ppl on this post I just hope all your lives are absolutely perfect and no flaws whatsoever 🤣🤣🤣

Please don't do this. The only person who can say this is your son. I KNOW my children are affected by being from a broken family. They don't tell me that and they know it's the right decision and if I were to ask them I'm sure they'll minimise it so as not to hurt my feelings. I'm sure with their closest friends or a therapist it'll be a very different story.

Yes, I do think if I knew he was definitely going away (100% all booked) then I would definitely consider it - but please don't go if he's not.

My 17 yr old DS changes his mind every 30 mins. Asking a 14 year old is fine and they might say 'urgh no it sounds boring' but it's young imo to miss out on a lovely family holiday abroad& all the memories. He may bitterly regret not going when its too late. Op hasn't got many years left where her kid will want to go away with her. They should hire a villa instead where the cost of 2 or 3 bedrooms won't be that different.

Agree with PP that you are entirely naive to think just because both parents are civil and your DS seems happy with both homes that all is peachy. It’s bloody hard work being the child of divorced parents. The mental gymnastics are constant, even if your parents still get along and everything is relatively ‘normal’.

You leave him out and go on a holiday. Take a picture on the trip and stick it on the fridge. Every single time he goes to the kitchen, he’s reminded of that time he wasn’t invited on the family holiday because taking him put it out of budget. Making this choice will erode your relationship.

If one extra person means you can’t afford it, just put that money to your next holiday so you can take everyone. Simple budgeting!

I think it would only be okay if you can afford a separate holiday for you and him, say, in the October half term. And he agrees and is excited to do that and have some 1 to 1 time with you.

I take my dc away separately as different ages and interests and it works very well. The difference is that it’s fair and no one gets treated differently than the others.

To me, it sounds like you’ve maxed out your holiday budget for the year and just can’t afford a 2nd and 3rd holiday this year, so it’s probably about saving up to do something together next year.

This. Unless you want his to think the you ger kids from the shiny new relationship are your favourites, which is what it sounds like in your post.

Maybe she could ignore everyone but listen to the children of divorce on this thread who're telling her how they felt in this situation

You have asked for opinions but are still trying to justify yourself!
I would say talk to your son. 14 is old enough to understand the situation.
I personally think if he is going away with his Dad and other family and he’s happy for you to go away too then it would be fine. I would expect you to offer to take him too though so he feels like it’s his choice not yours.

Yeah, I have, and commented that my SC’s mum does what OP’s proposing and they’re completely fine with it.

Blended families have nuance.

By the sound of this response you're quite clear with your stance so what's the point in asking others if you just argue their point?

As a child, my dad and step mum did this to me and it just creates such confusing feelings of resentment.

If he goes on holiday with his dad that's not his family with you and so isn't really relevant in this situation. As a child and young teenager I can clearly remember feeling hurt by the fact my new half sibling was taken around the world without me because I "got to do things with my mum". It wasn't what they were doing that hurt, it was I didn't get to share those experiences and felt like less of a member of the family.

If you've no experience from this yourself then it's hard for you to understand how even with the best intentions it looks like you have a version of your family with him and a version without. He should only ever be made to feel as if there's one version of your family - and that includes all three of your DC. If he doesn't want to go then that's HIS decision but making it for him is just unfair and hurtful.

Your view that your DS has more than your DDs because he's got things x2 is also a bit unfair. Your DD have the benefit of their parents being together, not having to split birthdays/holidays and not feeling like they're not a part of something their brother is.

So you are wealthy but still trying to reign in finances by excluding your son frop this holiday? It makes no sense. You or your partner really doesn't want him to come so you can be in your exclusive family unit. I feel sorry for your son. He's old enough to pick up how you're feeling about him.

The vast majority of kids feel a disadvantage in those circumstances. You only have to see the threads on here where adults look back unhappily at that situation.

It’s multiplied about 10 x if both the parents have “new families” with siblings who are living with both parents full time.

Ok to put things into perspective I was a child of divorce and I did things with my dad sometimes and sometimes i did things with my mum when I was with her. I have a younger sister and we did things together and separately and neither of us have grown up traumatised so there you go not every child of divorce is traumatised fragile little things.

You seem to think it is fair, since your son will (likely) also get a holiday with his Dad.

What you seem to be missing is that your son will miss out on the family holiday with his mum and sisters. While you're all excitedly planning the holiday, and packing, and deciding activities to do while there, and after the holiday looking at photos and reminiscing about when "we all" did X and Y - your son will be left out of all those family memories.

If he is part of your family unit, then he should be invited.

The vast majority of kids feel disadvantaged in some way! Look at the numbers of young people who now have mental illnesses. Look at the threads of people complaining about their parents or siblings from nuclear families.

OP knows her son, her ex and their families. If she thinks it’s fine, she has a better idea than any of us do.

My SC’s mum goes on holidays without them and they’re well-adjusted and balanced enough to understand why.

eeeek - absolutely not ok!! Unless his dad was definitely taking him abroad and it was in the diary already booked it would be an absolute no for me. This is the sort of thing that can permanently damage relationships. If you can’t afford to take him then you can’t afford it.

Sorry, in my earlier post I referred to stepchildren. Realise this is op's own son (though obvs her partner's stepson). My post is still relevant though as both my dc are mine and dh's, and the age gap is larger than between op's eldest and middle.

Trying real hard to justify ourselves aren't we

If she thinks it’s fine, she has a better idea than any of us do.

Then why is she asking us?

To gauge public opinion, like everyone else here. But she didn’t appreciate she was asking a load of people who largely aren’t from blended families, can’t afford multiple fancy holidays a year, and most importantly don’t know her son so have no idea how he would feel.

Please don’t do this. I think your son would find this really difficult and make him question whether he is as important to you as your daughters. I’m not saying that’s how it is just how he may see it through his eyes. You’ve already had your nice holiday this year - use the budget you have for the 5 of you. Surely you being with all of your children and together as a family is more important than the destination or choice of hotel? Look at a shorter holiday day 5 days, or a holiday rental in the U.K., or just a series of days out. Just don’t leave him out. My experience here comes from my daughter often feeling lesser to her siblings at her dads - she never says it to him but it crushes her. I’m not saying that’s true either it’s just how they see it when they’re not all invited to things like this. It’s great you’re thinking carefully about this and I can tell you’re trying to do your best for all. It’s not easy but don’t feel pressured to deliver on a second expensive holiday or holiday abroad just see it as the time together that makes it special xx

Exactly this.

Op, you seem so complacent about your son ‘doing well’. He’s 14 and dealing with a lot of tricky aspects of growing up, on top of having lost his parents and family to divorce! i feel sorry for him. It’s bad enough that you broke up his family unit, but it’s so much worse to even consider excluding him from a holiday with YOUR new family.