To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

I agree. It’s almost like they want to ‘wipe away’ their previous family unit, maybe due to embarrassment of their failed marriage?

He doesn't have two full families. He has two homes, with a parent and a step-parent in each home. He is the only child from a 'broken' family. The other children live full time with both their parents.

You suggest that you don't understand why it would be wrong, OP. The obvious question, then, is why you'd ask if it might be. However, if it's established that after 14+ pages of almost perfect consensus and a 94% agreement in the poll, that nobody has been able to explain it so that you can grasp it, do you think you might accept that it's a bad idea even if the reasons are beyond you?

Agree

My family situation is similar to yours OP (minus Dad & his family). My eldest DS now 18 has been on several foreign holidays with friends (& their families) and college. We've used that opportunity to go away as a 4. The only difference might be that ours were UK holidays so DS was always getting the better part of the deal.

My parents split when I was 2 and I must be an anomaly because I never felt hard done by, although neither side went on to have more children.

The OP is using the exact same dick logic my parents used to justify treating myself and my sister differently from the kids (our younger half-siblings) from their second relationships. 'It's your mum/dad (whichever one they weren't)'s responsibility to pay for your holidays', 'why can't your mum/dad take you away?', 'you wouldn't enjoy coming away with little kids anyway.' Mine went on holiday to Australia with my half-siblings when I was 16 and left me home alone.

I had a massive house party. They fully deserved that!

I don't have any stepchildren @Suncloudstars but with a significant age gap between my own dc I can tell you I've taken one away without the other. Like one was off on a week long school trip, so dh, dc2 and I went away. Dc1 didn't mind in the slightest because they had their own trip.

Always endeavoured to keep it 'fair' though, so in your case if your ds is going on a UK break with dad then that's what I'd book for the other dc.

I think you're determined to gloss over the fact that your DS is the odd one out in your family unit, and you want to think that it's all equal with his "mum family and dad family". (Hint: It's not) I don't say this as some smug married, I'm divorced myself.

Most important rule: TREAT YOUR CHILDREN EQUALLY. This holds true no matter what other external factors there are or what other people are doing for them.

That's the difference - no more kids in the mix. It's exactly the reason why I wouldn't get involved with anyone else until my kids leave home. I am separated from their dad and it's not ideal (obviously) but neither of us are with anyone else, or have more kids, so our kids are still the focus of our attention. We are still that nuclear family. I know from bitter experience that this dynamic is (apparently) impossible to sustain once new partners and younger half-siblings are brought into the mix.

It really depends on the family. Perhaps you could afford to take SS for a long weekend with just you and he’d prefer that to a family trip with annoying younger sisters.

I dont think many people here are capable of understanding nuance and that all families are different. Indeed, all people and children are different.

My SC absolutely relish having 1-2-1 time with any of their adults and would choose that over a family break. We regularly take one or two of the children to different events or trips, depending on their interests. I expect OP’s girls have more in common and get on better, for her to be suggesting this.

Spot on.

That’s not the most important rule though. It’s to treat your children fairly.

Well, he is already in a worse situation than your DDs as he has to split his time between his dad and mum due to your divorce.

So tbh even if he did also get a holiday through his dad, his life is infinitely less 'ideal' than the one you have with your daughters.

I think it would be selfish and make him feel left out.

Well fairly generally means equally. These are all still kids, it's not a question of one being grown up and the other minors.

you don't know that! just because he is happy on daily basis, doesn't mean that he doesn't wish he didn't have blended family but dad and mum living together. You are naive to think he is not affected. My DS had a happy childhood with split family - I even asked him in his teen years if he feels disadvantaged/affected by it and he said no, but now that he is in his 20s he tells me he always wished to have a "normal" non-blended family but didn't want to upset me or even himself by dwelling into it.
and YABU in both scenarious. Your DDs might be disadvantaged for having 1 holiday vs him having two but your DDs have a huge advantage of having both parents in one house, he doesn't. And now they may also have memories of holidays of your 4 together not 5 - that would be extremely hurtful to your DS.

@Boymummy2015

"I feel for you I really do. As a stepmum to a DD same age as your DS"

OP is not a stepmum.

She has 3 children and wants to take 2 on a second holiday and exclude the third.

My opinion, each parent should provide the same to all their children.

So you take all your bio kids on 2 holidays this year.

DS's dad can take all his kids on 1, 2 or 10 holidays. It doesn't matter, providing the same for all his kids.

Whether your DDs end up going on more or less holidays doesn't matter. It wasn't their parents that caused the unfairness. Same way wouldn't matter if DDs friends went on 20 holidays. You, as bio parent, have a responsibility to treat all your children equal.

So it's okay for him to have 2 trips abroad but not his half siblings?
If he is going away with dad I don't see the problem. If he isn't then then I wouldn't go.

Why would you omit that? It's a very key part of your OP. You want to go on holiday. It will cost you too much to bring 5 people so you are choosing a week your son can't go so you can afford it. You have decided "we will wait until this week to save money". It's completely different to a cinema trip or a days out without him and comparing both is disingenuous, unless you actively decide "we will wait until next Saturdayto go to the zoo so itll cost us less"! You have 3 children. It is selfish to decide to organise something on a week one is unavailable so the rest of you can afford another holiday. No matter how many yeahs and buts and what ifs you throw at us, that's the crux of this thread!

No

Have you even read the OP? She's not talking about her step son, she's talking about her own son.

Why aren’t you answering the suggestions of a more affordable UK holiday for all five of you?
or a cheaper Europe camping holiday?

You know what? It took my daughter until she was 36 (she was 6 when her dad left) to tell me how much she hated going to her dad's as it didn't feel like her home. Kids don't always tell you things at the time. You sound very complacent.

The price difference doesn’t need to be huge, just don’t go down the package holiday route.

Book easyJet/BA flights to Europe (you won’t pay adult price for the 14 year old) and book a 3 bed lovely villa with a pool. Very little difference in price between a 2 bed and 3 bed villa if any.

Now my 2 are teens we always tell them they can bring a friend each and it costs very little to add their friends to our holidays. A couple of hundred pounds, no more.

We all need to save our selves the trouble …

OP is digging heels in and not able to reflect on the child’s perspective here …