To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

No. From experience, these little things might mean very little to you, but it can honestly affect the relationship well into adulthood.

Yeah I'd say you are. Not sure if you came here for genuine validation to make yourself possibly feel less guilty? But if you can't treat all of them to the holiday then don't go. It's unfair and I would imagine, be very hurtful to your son and perhaps even make him feel 2nd, or in this case, 3rd best.

OP ignore all of these ppl

Don't worry, she will.

I was in your DS's shoes when I was growing up, with half siblings on both sides. I went on holiday with my mum, stepdad and brother every year, and my dad and his family every 2-3 years. In the years when I went with my dad, that was a lovely bonus holiday for me, but I was still included in the family holiday with my mum until I was 18 (after that I was still invited, but I was having a far better time partying in Ibiza with my mates!)
Honestly, I'd have been really upset if my mum had gone without me, even if I was away with my dad.

My mother did this to me, I was around the same age. I’ve never forgotten it and remember thinking at the time why have you not included me.. please don’t do it.

@Haemagoblinwas so spot on, i wonder if you are perhaps lacking in emotional intelligence? Also see your avoiding answering where your “current” husband stands on excluding your child is he really as ok with this as you are ?

As the oldest child in a relationship where both my parents remarried and had children with their next partner, and chose to take those children on holiday and not me because somehow it was always the other parent's responsibility to pay for me to go on holiday, this post actually makes me feel really sad and, to use a phrase I hate, 'triggered.' Why do so many women (and men) treat the children they have with the person they're currently married to as the 'real children' and the ones from former relationships as expensive annoyances? It really sucks growing up without ever being part of that nuclear family, through absolutely no fault of your own.

Well you have certainly caught some shade on this one OP.

I feel for you I really do. As a stepmum to a DD same age as your DS and with 2 other DC's who have always been with us "fulltime" I get the position you're in.

Our circumstances have changed now as we have all 3 with us full time but for a good 10 years we split the care of DD with her mum. We too always took all 3 on holiday 2-3 times a year and she was always very very much part of the plans and involved with family life. However, on the days she was with her mum we certainly didn't sit around doing nothing we would still make memories with our younger 2 and go out on days out that DD wasn't there for. DD mum only took her away once and we also considered booking the same week abroad, we didn't end up going but this was due to work and not because of DD. She was 10 think at the time and we spoke to her about it and she was absolutely fine with the idea of it.

I think if DS goes away with dad then your doing nothing wrong booking a holiday for you, DP and DC's, I would speak to the ex though first & see if you can get some information on what his plans are etc so you can plan around this, I would also mention to DS what your thinking and get his reaction to it. Like you say just because DS has 2 homes doesn't mean they have no sense of belonging etc. I think some like to really bang that drum too hard.

he isn’t tho

but yes if he was and it was planned and booked then wouldn't be so bad maybe …..

but I personally couldn’t take 2/3 of my kids and I only have 1

but would you feel for ds if his dad takes his new partner and other siblings /brother away but left your son out

sure you would bad mouth your ex

for leaving his son out

but that’s what you are planning to do

Driving only really works if your already in the south of England.
Its a heck of a drive to travel from even the Scottish central belt to France.

But I totally agree with the cost factor for a family of 4 vs 5.
I know of two families a 3 and 5 who've holidayed as two families of 4 as it saves so much money.

Because he’s not - you said he’s not/possibly not in your OP. Now he is??

As a kid, my step sister spent half her time with us (my step mum (her mum), my dad (her stepdad) and me) and half her time with her dad. My dad and step mum were pretty shit all round but they wouldn’t have had us go on holiday without her.
Having double holidays is one of the few benefits of having separated parents isn’t it.
I kind of understand your logic but can’t even begin to imagine the life-long, tell your therapist kind of upset it would cause to your son so I would say a firm YABU.

Lol. The room was designed for 4 . I've shared a room with teenage boy on occasion ( airport hotel mainly) but the trips we go on we tend to stay in different hostels in the same place and meet up. No sitting round pools for us

Yip. No further comment.

99% say YABU and you still argue for going ahead?
The issue isn’t all the factors of ‘what if he stays with his dad’ ‘dad may take him on holiday’ ‘my dd’s may have one less holiday than him if he also goes away with dad’ it’s BEING A FAMILY UNIT. He is your son, if you ship him off to Dad he will FEEL this and think you don’t want to take him, the logistics mean nothing to kids. You either all go and if that means finding somewhere cheaper then so be it or you don’t go. Find an airbnb in England a drive away for the change of scenery, that must be the same as going away. Or get the Eurostar to Lille and get an Airbnb. There will be plenty of different options BUT just don’t leave him out.

I actually disagree with those saying it would be unreasonable IF he is going abroad with his dad, as long as the trip you do without him wouldn't be too exciting to him (ideally less exciting than what he is doing with dad or more aimed at younger children so boring for him). It's also important yourDP is going, so it would be like all your children are going on holiday with their respective dads at the same time (you just happen to be going to with the one you live with!)

However, it sounds like you aren't likely to even know for sure if he is doing that until last minute, so I would scrap that idea for this year. Also I guess it would depend for me how the relationships are anyway, eg any signs of jealousy already etc.

If can afford a week in europe for 4 of you, you can afford a week or even a few days self catering in the UK for 5 of you..why don't you do that instead on a different week?

Exactly this.

Put yourself in your son’s shoes. His parents split up, then his mum goes on to create a new family and even have children with a new partner. Your son now no longer has his parents and original family unit. And now you choose to treat your new family to a European holiday while excluding him 😔

Your DDs wouldn't want to go on the holiday with their half brother and his dad's family but your DS would want to go on the holiday with you and his sisters. He is part of your family. Your DDs aren't part of your ex-husband's family.

It will look like you have been looking for the perfect opportunity to ditch him and go on holiday without him. It doesn't reflect well on you.

It sounds like you need to save your money instead of going on yet another holiday, if you can’t even afford to pay for all of your children.

If you are that hard to after your 3 week holiday, new house and cars do you actually need another holiday?
You say you want to reign in the finances a bit. Rather than excluding one child maybe just knock the holiday idea on the head and put the money to one side for next year where you might encounter the same issues (needing an extra room, eldest costing as much as an adult).
It's not like anyone will be missing out if they had a big holiday already this year and as you have moved house this gives them plenty of chance to enjoy it.

Would you go away with him and one DD whilst the other DD is at camp, to make the holiday cheaper?

I would say 2 holidays are the trade off for having to live between 2 families

Your Ds will get 2 of some things because his parents aren’t together. For example he might have a games console at each house or he might have 2 holidays (one with mum and one with dad)
On the other hand he will a more complicated life. For example when he is an adult he will want to factor in a visit to each parent’s house where as his half siblings only have one parental home to consider.
While he’s having 2 holidays total, you love your kids the same so it would be mean to provide one to one child and two to the others. You basically want to know if it’s ok to get your ex to subsidise the difference in cost for 4 and 5.
It’s like the games console example, some things won’t be equal for your 3 kids and it would be insane to buy your children a second games console each because your son owns two.

You could go in an apartment. The girls in one room son in another you and partner on sofa bed

Dress it up however you want, it’s excluding him. It’s not about number of holidays, it’s about being fully a part of the family, which he clearly isn’t if you even consider this.

absolutely wicked to be planning this.