To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

The thing is, if you have given equal consideration to picking one of your younger dc out to exclude from the holiday, maybe to leave with a grandparent while the rest of you go, then I would buy that this isn't an issue of your eldest being excluded from the "main family unit". But, I significantly doubt you've done that. Your assumption was that the younger ones would definitely come.

This would obviously be an awful thing to do to a dc and potentially significantly impact his sense of self and belonging. If you have three dc and you can't afford to take three dc, you can't afford a holiday.

I would only do this if I knew for sure that he was also going away.

Omg !!!!
you aren’t going to justify this !!!

…. yeah but … !!

Wow some proper judgmental ppl on here today. Did you all miss the part that he got taken away for 3 weeks in Easter on a dream long haul holiday. He will be spending time with his dad and their family possibly going away abroad possibly a uk vacation either way I doubt the kid is going to be traumatised.

OP ignore all of these ppl calling you a bad parent etc its obvious your son gets treated equally when he is with you so its up to his father to treat him the same when he is in his care. Get the holiday booked and dont worry about all these judgey Karen's im sure your son will have more holidays with you and your partner going forward.

God, all the hate! Has anyone suggested talking to the 14 year old? It's not.like op can do it in secret. Talk to him, ask him if he minds. Maybe when you get back from holidays you can take him for a special treat where it's just you two for the day. If he would be awfully upset not to be invited then yes it's mean. If he's not overly bothered coz he will be with dad anyway, go for it. Whatever works for you and your family. Please don't try do it in secret though. That's a betrayal you won't come back from.

You'd have to buy another hotel room . So doubling that cost

Sorry you've had 3 week foreign holiday this year and two new cars and upsized your home and are contemplating another holiday. You're rich.

You can’t afford another trip abroad for everyone… so you wait until your sons out of the way so that you can go . Greedy and the message you would send to him is that you don’t need him there for a family holiday and that it’s inconvenient to have another person around . Children are not stupid and I’m sure later in life he tell you how much it hurt that you did that and how it made him feel left out and unwanted .

Absolutely not. Going on holiday without him - when you know that means he won't get a proper abroad holiday - is unkind and will make him feel excluded from the family dynamic. Really not OK.

Yeah it's not 🙄The OP acting like they've completely run out of money and can't possibly afford to take 3 children on holiday so literally the only option is going away and leaving one of the kids out.

Notice how the OP isn't acknowledging the many, MANY comments asking why they can't just go away in the UK or somewhere cheaper!

‘Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?’

My answer wouldn’t change YABVU - like you say he has two families and he should be fully part of both of them. Imagine his dad went in holiday with his brother whilst he was in holiday with you and how that could make him feel.

In 2025, my SC will have been abroad for eight weeks, three with their mum and five with us. They are barely at home in holidays. Mine will have been away for just four weeks (DH took SC on a week’s holiday which wasn’t suitable for our youngest). Their mum’s youngest has had an extra two weeks with her and her dad, so five weeks abroad.

It is part of blended life to miss out on stuff. Nobody’s saying leave DS out of a one off to Disneyland Florida, but where’s the line? Cinema trips are okay, but the theatre isn’t? Camping is okay, but a flight isn’t? What if a concert or special event happens whilst a child is away on holiday with their other parent; should the other side of his family sit at home with the curtains drawn instead of going because it’s not fair to have fun without him?

It’s up to parents to treat their children fairly. That doesn’t always mean equally. The line will be different for every family.

You could afford to have three more if you leave four of them behind every time you go on holiday.

Why not leave one of your DDs behind, then? Or DH?

You’re a family of 5. Therefore you price up holidays for 5.

This is what’s devastating about having “two families”. Your parents will insist aren’t you lucky to have two christmases, two sets of holidays, etc. In theory you have twice as much of everything but in reality you’re a secondary part in BOTH of those families and it feels like you belong in neither.

Blended families often seem to count the holidays in terms of numbers, but actually family holidays are quality time with the family regardless of where it takes place.

It’s not a family holiday if all the family aren’t there. He’s missing out on time with his mum/sisters.

And what about afterwards? Sitting and reminiscing on a ‘family’ holiday while he just sits there?

I’m not arguing, I’m questioning to maybe improve my understanding.

I didn’t say he wasn’t going; I said it was unlikely to happen. I asked the hypothetical question of whether it would be unreasonable if he did go on holiday with his dad, because it is still a possibility this time and it is a possibility for the future.

She'll have to get used to that anyway, unless she plans to share with teenage DDs or leave them behind. Just part of having 3DC.

Why not do a cheaper option another week? You have already had a good holiday, take them to the U.K. camping or something

Of course you are being utterly unreasonable! Why do you have to even ask ?

So again (although I know you won't answer this) - why not leave DS to his week with his dad - whatever they decide to do - and arrange to take all 3 of your children on a cheaper / UK holiday another week of the summer holidays?

Then your son gets a lovely week with his dad and family and a lovely week with you all too?

Why can't you go somewhere cheaper so you can all go?

I have 3 kids. So you don't need to tell me lol. Although I did share with teenage DDs and young DS in a room

Everyone is asking this but the OP is not willing to answer!

I have 3 too. Mine still little so we all cram in for now, but no chance will I be sharing with teenage boys 😂Shall just have to compromise on holidays or get richer