To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

What’s an amazing holiday that I want to take my daughters on? I haven’t said that. I referred to our family holiday to south east Asia as an amazing holiday that all 3 were taken on.

I referred to the future potential holiday as a last minute European holiday.

If you’re so minted then just pick a different week. Everyone thinks you are unreasonable but you don’t seem to want to listen.

If you’re going to do it anyway then you should at least put some cash aside for your poor boy’s therapy because I can guarantee that decision is going to come up.

I’d go OP.

I have three SCs, and a baby with OH. SC’s mum also has a baby with her partner.

We take SC abroad 2-3 times a year and she does the same. She also takes holidays with her baby when SC are with us, and we’re saving to do the same. SC are utterly unbothered.

The cost for a couple and a baby in term-time is not comparable to the cost of taking a couple and four kids in the summer holidays. SC went on more holidays with their mum and dad when they were pre-schoolers too.

If you can't afford to take them all pick a cheaper holiday

OP: Am I being unreasonable?

Everyone: Yes.

OP: No I'm not.

Simplified:

You have all had one big holiday together. YAY.

DSS is going to his dads family to have a holiday, abroad or at home, it will be fun.

Rest of family can now go on another holiday too, as it's now a little cheaper and they can make it work.

Or the alternative - OP's (edited: not rest of) family must stay home and have no fun because DSS can't be there? Makes zero sense to me.

I get why some are saying it's mean. But it sounds like DSS is getting the better end of the deal by having the other holidays - why shouldn't the OP do the same as it's now become do-able?

hhhmmmm

I can't believe I've read this far without clocking that OP is talking about her own biological child. I thought he was her stepson, who excluding from a family holiday would be bad enough, but he's your own son!

Bloody hell. YABVVVVU.

No, it’s the opposite of what OP is proposing. OP is proposing to treat her children unequally because she thinks the impact of this on one of them might be offset by the actions of his other parent.

Her responsibility is to treat her children equally to the best of her ability and finances. The children’s fathers have that same responsibility. As these children do not have the same (sets of) parents, the final outcomes may not be the same, but what they receive from their own parents should be.

I don’t know. That’s the purpose of this board - to gain others opinions and try to grow and develop your own thoughts and see where you may be going wrong.

YABU. Even if he was going abroad at the same time with his dad, he is still missing out on what you are doing and that side of the family. How will he feel if you all have lots of family photos as a 4 and go on trips with memories that his half siblings keep going on about, but he wasn't there to be part of. You are excluding him by choosing that week.
If you are trying to sneak in an extra holiday (as I think you mention he isn't missing out as you have been already this year) then choose a week he is with you and go for a cheaper option, UK mini break if need be, so he is part of it.

Only “slightly wrong”

Awful.

OP’s husband has two kids. He can afford to take them away. He can’t afford to take DSS as well.

how much of a price difference are we talking?

because if there’s no issue, I don’t see how the cost of an extra child depends on the holiday going ahead or not.

why shouldn't the OP do the same as it's now become do-able?

She could go another week and take her DS but she doesn't want to. The week he is with his Dad is not the only week they could go, she is going that week specifically to exclude him and save a few quid. They could choose a slightly cheaper holiday and all go together or the OP could dig deep and pay for her DS to join them, but she doesn't want to.

You do realise OP, her husband and their daughters still exist when DS is with his dad’s side of the family? There’ll be memories and photos whether they’re on holiday or at the local park. That’s how it is.

I’m not, I’m trying to understand others viewpoints to see if I can agree that I’m in the wrong. No point in asking for an opinion and then not trying to understand the logic behind it. There’s no personal growth there is there.

If it's just a non specific European holiday, why wouldn't you just pick somewhere cheaper if price is the issue? I don't really understand why you'd make this hard for the sake of it. Doesn't make any sense.

As a mum and stepmum whose children have a similar family dynamic, I do appreciate why you have come up with this solution.
But it's a solution to a short term idea, a solution without emotion driving it and your relationship with your son is long term for life, where emotion will always drive it.

What happens if he says I'll swap weeks with dad so I can go? You say no, now nobody is going because we can't afford it? That would put guilt on his shoulders, unintentionally. You can't go without him.

OP has three kids. If she can’t afford to take them all away (treating them equally), then she can’t afford to go on holiday. Same as everyone else with X number of kids.

He would be going (IF he goes) abroad with his dad and family at the same time.

That's really cruel. He will feel he isn't part of your family unit.

That has no impact on the fact that you’d be going on holiday and excluding him.

Hmmmm, except you said he probably isn't (but again, that's really not the point!)

Those are smaller events and I would hope if it was a big trip to a theme park rather than just a play park he wouldn't be excluded from that either.
A holiday is usually 5-7 days, has trips out, maybe a water park, boat trip or site seeing, clubs and activities for children. All of these are part of a bigger thing than just a trip to the park and McDonald's.
Also in the future, do you remember when we went to X? No I don't because you didn't take me.
Awkward!

This. They could just plan a slightly cheaper holiday. None of this really makes sense.