Friend shouted at my 2 year old

[hmm01]

So I popped in to see my friend of 15 years today (we’re 30s now) with my 2 year old.

We were chatting and my 2yo was throwing a ball for her dog, then came to sit on my lap and was laughing and over excited about the dog and pulled my hair. This happens very rarely, slapping, biting or pulling hair when over excited and silly.

Before I had a chance to deal with it, my friend shouted so loud that it made me jump and my child burst into tears. She shouted “DO NOT TOUCH YOUR MUM LIKE THAT” she then went on a rant about how I need to do it back or they’ll keep doing it. We are not a shouty house, we don’t scream and shout at our child ever. We have a calm house so said child isn’t used to this. We explain why they are not to do it, show them how to touch gently and then we say “what do you say” and then we get a sorry and a cuddle and then move on from it. I think I was in shock that she shouted so loud at my child.

She has 3 older kids in their teens and to put it as bluntly but nicely as I can, they’ve all suffered as a result of her verbal abuse and I’ve seen her smack them (not hard but I had no children and I didn’t realise the impact in my early 20s) when they were younger and now she doesn’t have a nice relationship with any of them. They spend all their time in their bedrooms and she recently told me she booked a holiday with them and none of them want to go, they want to go and see their Dad for a couple of weeks instead while she goes alone.

I spent a lot of years helping her with them when their Dad left, I was there every morning to help get them ready for school, breakfast etc I did pick ups when I could, had them stay at mine for weeks during holidays so she could get a break and now I feel really angry that she spoke to my child like that. She isn’t their parent. I said “I’m going to shoot” straight after that and left and now I wish I’d of laid into her a little bit and told her to keep her nose out, it’s my child and I’ll speak to them how I see fit and I’m certainly not pulling their hair, biting or smacking them EVER.

How do I navigate this? I am also heavily pregnant and willing to be told that I’m upset over nothing here, my emotions are all over the place recently!

your Dd is 2. No one should be shouting def not your friend.
She has forgotten how 2year olds behave -of course she’s excited playing with the dog

I loathe the gentle parenting style. My job has gradually gotten harder over the last 23 years because of it.

Shouting won’t hurt your DD. It’s not “ideal”, but it didn’t hurt her. Sometimes children need a bit of a shock, even if they are two.

I think she’s obviously seen your gentle parenting technique and decided it doesn’t work. Yes she shouldn’t have shouted, but perhaps you passively letting your child pull your hair annoyed her.

Your parenting style made me roll my eyes if I’m honest. “Gentle hands” and explanations mean nothing to a 2 year old. Sometimes they need a bit of a shock so they learn something isn’t acceptable.

Agree with this. Mine are teens and I try not to shout at them but it does happen. Not when they were toddlers though. A firm "No, stop that" and a stern look was usually enough.

But OP shouldn't let her toddler hurt her. This is not helpful to him; he needs to have firm limits.

Hmm I think some people have recognised their own "parenting style" in your description of your shouty friend and have gone on the defensive.

Shouty households are bloody awful to grow up. Well done to you OP for breaking that cycle. It can be hard not to repeat the way we were parented, even when we were damaged by it.

It was bang out of order for your friend to shout at your toddler. I think if you want to preserve the friendship you need to tell her why you left and make it clear that she crossed a line.

God I hadn't realised the age of criminal responsibility had reduced to 2 😆

Duplicate

Well it’s not the end of the world OP but I would be pissed off if someone jumped in and told my child off for something before I had a chance to deal with the behaviour myself.

As for suggesting that you pull a 2 year old child’s hair? I have no words for that but wouldn’t be allowing my child around her again, she is advocating child abuse.

That would piss me off too. Make a note to challenge it next time. Have something already prepared to respond with. My sister was the same with my kids. We’ve both got good kids but had different ways of raising them/speaking to them (with them). I clearly remember being spoken to with respect and disrespect as a child and when I was told respectfully that something I did was wrong it was powerful and impacted me positively. Sadly, most of the time I was screamed at or hit but was never really sure why. Just left me disliking the person and causing a wedge in our relationship.

YANBU- these replies here are WILD.
of course hitting etc is age appropriate for a 2 year old- they have NO impulse control and are learning it.

also people here thinking fear and control is the only way to train a child. Has anyone read the updates in child development in the last 25 years?

your friend overstepped, your kid will be ok. Did you explain to kid after as a learning point? Eg some adults use loud voices when they are upset, hitting makes people upset.

have you tried a redirect for excitement @hmm01 ? Eg I can see you’re really excited, what could we do instead, we could clap our hands or do jazz hands’ obvs after the boundary. I find that works.

id probably just ask her not to shout at your kid and if she does it again, don’t see her with your child.

I think this friendship has run it's course and you are at completely different stages of life so I would move on.

These replies are so bizarre. Of course your friend overstepped, she had no business shouting at your toddler. She sounds unpleasant, are you sure you want to continue the friendship?

Whilst your friend shouldn’t have shouted, I’m sure plenty of mums with teenagers are laughing at your naivety at what it’s like to parent teens.

Whaaaaat? This is basically a baby we're talking about here.

Under 2s have impulse control issues and it's completely normal age appropriate behaviour to hit or similar when over excited. It's our job to teach them not to do that.

Y'all react by yelling at your kids to assert your personal boundaries ? That doesn't seem a little nutty ?

Mine is 2.5 and has basically stopped doing this. I used to react by warning her once (in a normal, firm voice), then if she couldn't calm down I'd put her down, which sent a pretty firm message. Or if it was a thing I knew she knew shouldn't be done and was just testing what happens - I'd skip the warning.

I'm not going to pretend I did that perfectly every time, but mostly I did, and I never saw the times I didn't react that way as a good thing. That was about me losing my cool, not being a good parent. I've always aimed to be a calm parent, because that's what I respect in people, and I want my kids to respect me and learn to feel calm themselves.

Yelling just escalates in an overwrought toddler. Calm, firm and consistent works just fine.

I also have a 15 year old who I used the same parenting approach with. You'll be happy to know he does not go round pulling hair and hitting people due to me not yelling assertive boundaries at him whilst he was essentially a baby. He's a normal, pleasant 15 yo who I have a great relationship with.

'Gentle parenting' wasn't a thing when he was little, it was just called 'not yelling at babies who don't understand'. But people also didn't feel such a compulsion to assert boundaries or over-explain why we don't do xyz in such an intentional way.

I'd also be pissed off if someone yelled at my under-2.

You dont see nursery staff doing that because, lets face it, it's not exactly parenting best practice, is it ?

If you yell at someone who doesn't speak English as a first language - do they understand what you're saying better? Or do you just look like an idiot yelling at a confused person?

Violent and abusive bully? Christ...

And I’ll add, maybe I got lucky with mine as teens but our home has always been chill and fun (apart from a few peri moments from me) so I’ve never had cocky teenagers. They’re beautiful, considerate people who need reminding to tidy their rooms etc (so do I sometimes) but they speak to each other respectfully- kindness & respect is the law of our house.

I’m totally with you. What you start now will come back to you. Distraction worked wonders when mine were young. I always used to pretend I saw a mouse. It would snap them out of unwanted behaviour quickly. They’d start looking for it with me. I saw a mum struggling to get her paddying child to walk a couple of months back so I told them (with a wink to mum) a mouse had gone under a hedge. The little girl ran to look. It was like magic. 🐭

Screams at 2 yr olds, hits her own kids.
.what would you call it?

Wait till the child gets to nursery, they’re going to be in for a massive shock of a raised voice is classed as bullying.

Duplicate comment

I think you’ve triggered a lot of mums who clearly shout at their kids and so you’re getting defensive replies.

I think shouting shows a loss of control and that’s fine occasionally, we’re all human, but yeah I’m going to try my hardest not to shout or scream at my children. I can be firm and tell them off without raising my voice

Id probably keep my distance from DF for a while

I think when our children are small any criticism of them is painful. Arriving at school or nursery can be a shock as tolerated behaviour at home can be seen less than desirable.

your friend has teens she is an experienced mum, look back on this in the future and it will not be a big deal.

I shout at my kids, we all get frustrated

I definitely don't shout at someone else's kids

And I don't think it's ok to shout at my kids, I'm constantly working on not doing it. I definitely don't hit my kids, I'd be referring myself for therapy if I did.

Experienced at screaming and hitting is not useful experience

Mine are in nursery and school, love it and are praised for their behaviour and manners. And no one screams at them at nursery or school either.

"If that was my teenager....." Hahahaha, wait until you've got one.