Friend shouted at my 2 year old

[hmm01]

So I popped in to see my friend of 15 years today (we’re 30s now) with my 2 year old.

We were chatting and my 2yo was throwing a ball for her dog, then came to sit on my lap and was laughing and over excited about the dog and pulled my hair. This happens very rarely, slapping, biting or pulling hair when over excited and silly.

Before I had a chance to deal with it, my friend shouted so loud that it made me jump and my child burst into tears. She shouted “DO NOT TOUCH YOUR MUM LIKE THAT” she then went on a rant about how I need to do it back or they’ll keep doing it. We are not a shouty house, we don’t scream and shout at our child ever. We have a calm house so said child isn’t used to this. We explain why they are not to do it, show them how to touch gently and then we say “what do you say” and then we get a sorry and a cuddle and then move on from it. I think I was in shock that she shouted so loud at my child.

She has 3 older kids in their teens and to put it as bluntly but nicely as I can, they’ve all suffered as a result of her verbal abuse and I’ve seen her smack them (not hard but I had no children and I didn’t realise the impact in my early 20s) when they were younger and now she doesn’t have a nice relationship with any of them. They spend all their time in their bedrooms and she recently told me she booked a holiday with them and none of them want to go, they want to go and see their Dad for a couple of weeks instead while she goes alone.

I spent a lot of years helping her with them when their Dad left, I was there every morning to help get them ready for school, breakfast etc I did pick ups when I could, had them stay at mine for weeks during holidays so she could get a break and now I feel really angry that she spoke to my child like that. She isn’t their parent. I said “I’m going to shoot” straight after that and left and now I wish I’d of laid into her a little bit and told her to keep her nose out, it’s my child and I’ll speak to them how I see fit and I’m certainly not pulling their hair, biting or smacking them EVER.

How do I navigate this? I am also heavily pregnant and willing to be told that I’m upset over nothing here, my emotions are all over the place recently!

OP please do not listen to the posters saying you are being a bit ‘precious’. You are your child’s mother, of course you need to be precious about their welfare. I think a calm and ‘non-shouty’ environment is a safe and loving environment for your child and you are doing an amazing job.

if I were you I would address this with your friend as she will likely do it again. You can say that you don’t believe in shouting at children and you do not need or want her to do that again.

Ahh, how naive. I suggest you don’t shout at your kids, it’s coming off as super hypocritical.

As I said I try very hard not to shout at my kids because shouting is clearly lazy and rubbish parenting. They are therefore rarely shouted at.

What is hypocritical in that? Noones claiming perfection surely? Just that shouting is not ok. And not shouting doesn't mean they won't behave beautifully at school and nursery.

I agree. And she definitely should not have shouted at your DC.

HOWEVER:
Having no boundaries / and or refusing to enforce discipline is neglectful and potentially abusive. I do not know you and therefore obviously don't know whether that actually applies to you and your family.
I hope I am mistaken but I do get that kind of vibe from you, unfortunately...

Well clearly lazy and rubbish parenting but you still do it…. You do realise that kids shout and bully? So yes, yours may very well encounter that.

Honestly, you sound like a great mum, and it is perfectly understandable that you want to parent very differently from the abusive way your parents raised you.

Your friend was completely out of order. It wasn't her place to shout at your daughter and you have obviously bitten your lip many times to not criticise her parenting of her children.

If you speak to her about it, will she take it on board or will she fall out with you?

From other kids with similar levels of impulse control

Not from adults of whom I'd expect more

Myself included. I'm not infallible. I am telling you I shout rarely and try to avoid it. Not like those on here who seem to think it's not just justifiable but good parenting

You clearly haven’t read all of my replies, obviously

But you still do it though, really what is the difference. You do it, but only “rarely”. Okay that makes it right then 🤣

Your friend has hot no business disciplining you child when you are sat right there in the room. Tell her that you won't tolerate her shouting after your child.

TBH, I think you are two extremes of parenting. I don't like either, but realistically, it's your child for you to parent as you please.

Now it she hit the dog or another child, and you didn't say anything, then I'd think her telling your kid off is fair.

Mumsnet is a horrible place sometimes isn’t it. You say you don’t shout at your kids because you don’t feel the need to and you’re precious, a walk over, have no boundaries, you’re weak and raising a generation of monsters.

A lot of you have piled on based on an assumption that I don’t set boundaries, say a firm “no” ever and I’m raising a little psychopath, she’s 2 years old and has probably done this 4 times. She’s not a monster child. She’s never hurt any of her friends (although this is developmentally normal just for all of you that don’t understand regulating emotions and why it’s something we have to learn) or the animals she’s around.

I think I’ll be bowing out now as I’ve never heard such crap in my life.

You can all keep shouting and screaming at your kids and I’ll get on with raising mine to know that shouting solves nothing, we can agree to disagree.

Given that you know what kind of a parent she is, why are you surprised? She saw your kid behaving badly towards her mum in her house and responded accordingly.

It’s not the end of the world. If you’re genuinely good friends you’ll brush it off and leave it.

No you’re not precious. I agree with you, as a parent and someone who has worked with children for many years.

You don't shout at someone else's child, particularly when their mum is sitting right there. I used to shout at my children and looking back, I really regret it. I have never shouted at my grandchildren as it is not my place to do so. They are not my children.

OP has mentioned her friend's parenting style of shouting and smacking because it hasn't had the desired result of raising well behaved and polite children.

Ive always said this (re schools) and now Ive realised that now my kids are teens I couldn’t make them do anything if they didn’t want to. Fortunately at the moment I don’t have to, but if they absolutely refused I don’t know what I’d do

Sorry you are getting a hard time from the angry parenting brigade op. Of course it is much better not to shout at kids unless they are in imminent danger. You sound like a great parent who has also been a supportive friend over the years. Don’t go changing to please a bunch of people on the internet.

Have you decided what are you going to do about it?

15years is a long time to be friends with someone, to cut them out over an isolated incident, however shouting at someone else's child is a big no.

I like that you are kind and considerate with your DD but just be careful that doesn't spill over into judgement against others. Being the single parent of teenagers is a different ball game.

Also remember there will be times in the future that your DD gets shouted at by someone, (school, sports clubs, bullies) you can't be there to protect her from all of that.

Finally, I know it's considered "normal" for kids to bite and pull hair these days, but in my time it really wasn't. I'd deal with that by a short loud "No" too.

The first post often sets the tone and gives a green light for others to pile on the OP.

I really doubt that these posters would welcome a friend shouting at one of their children. For some reason, many posters will take an OP's description of their parenting style which is different from theirs as a personal slight or criticism of the way they parent their own children.

This.

OP you will more than likely raise your voice at your child at some point. You can be firm without shouting. I get it because I was the same when mine was two but if she still keeps doing it despite you ‘explaining’ not to, then a firm ‘no’ would be appropriate. You will need to be a little tougher as she gets older.

Im all for attachment parenting before age of three but after that, you need to start gradually introducing firm boundaries. That means sometimes she needs to be told no and does what she is told. You won’t always have time to have a long deep and meaningful over every mistake she makes.

I hear this on here. My three teens aren’t like this and none of my friends’ teens are either. Mind you, we don’t allow phones upstairs until year 12 at school so maybe that’s the difference - they have to be downstairs 😂

they’ve all said they want to come on holiday with us forever 😩🙈😂

I do shout sometimes because sometimes dc are dicks. It wasn’t the friend’s place to discipline, you were right there, but you’re also very analytical and critical of her parenting and until you’re at the teen stage maybe hold your opinions. Dd3 has a friend whose mum never shouts - she told her mum to fuck off yesterday morning. My dd would never speak to me like that.

So why are you even posting on a thread that you think is so ridiculous and a 'non event'. You have only posted to mock and belittle the OP. It's very clear that her parenting style is a direct result of growing up in a shouty and abusive home and not wanting to replicate it in any way.

Your posts is just twatty.

The responses on here are insane. She was way over the top. I would be taking a step back from her. I would find it hard to be around someone who parents like that. All the people saying you are precious for not having a shouty household, maybe they have a guilty conscience because they are being a bit defensive. It's 2025. Any minor google search will show you that shouting at and humiliating children is not an effective way to parent. Times have moved on from that. You wouldn't do that to someone at work, so why do it to a child. Everyone defending that needs to do some research.

I have a teen (and a toddler) and I still think it's utter crap to yell at a toddler like that.

It's not like I've never yelled, but I've never thought it was OK when I did.

Treat your young children the way you want them to treat you as a teenager.

They all go through a difficult stage, at 15, mines emerged into a great kid who knows that people who do things like get road rage have lost control of themselves and are total inconsiderate idiots. People who can stay calm in a crisis he has respect for.

A lot of shitty parents seemed to have piled on this thread. A two year old is basically still a baby, their brain literally can't make those connections yet. Take a step back from this woman.

I grew up in a violent house too and parent my kids differently. I think that's pretty common tbh.

No shouting, no smacking (hitting, it's hitting), clear rules consistently held. We are not trying to raise brats either, we are still parenting!
FWIW I've ended up with kids who were nice and easy teenagers, and are nice young adults.