Crap friend

[PerkyOchrePeer]

I went on holiday last year and met up with a friend of a friend. I didnt really know her but was grateful that she offered to show me around. We didnt have much in common but rubed along ok. I thought she was a bit full on with her behaviour and wondered if she was gay. After the holiday, we went our seperate ways and i sent her the odd fìendly wassap message to which she replied to but in a cold polite but not that friend manner. The last couple of messages she totally ignored so i have now deleted her from my phone and wont be messaging her again.

I was annoyed at first because i have made an effort to remain on friendlý terms

Has anyone read Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman?

The OP sounds just like her. Have you read it OP?

I thought If someone put themselves out to pay compliments, then they must want you as a friend. Especially a compliment where they say, you are an extremely thoughtful person. And I really appreciate it

It doesn't necessarily mean they want to be your friend. Some people are really kind and complimentary to anyone they meet. I would try and learn to appreciate the kind words for what they are rather than looking for something deeper.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to make friends but it's equally ok for the other person to not be interested.

If I keep myself to myself in the future, I can't hope that a potential acquaintentiop will lead to a friendship. So I can't be disappointed because I'm not interacting with people and I think that's best because I can't cope with it anymore.

I'm not sure anyone has told you to keep yourself to yourself or to avoid interaction. It's really important to accept that not everyone will want to be your friend. Even if you like them a lot.

This, it's almost like @PerkyOchrePeer you don't see people as individuals in their own right, just as a 'right, I think you would be a friend for me, so you will be'?..

I'm friendly to most people, even some people I don't like.

That's not being false, that's just a part of living in society.

I know it's confusing but it's a part of human social interaction.

Just because someone gives you compliments and is nice to you, doesn't mean they actually want to be friends with you.

In my experience, friendships naturally form themselves. I've never been 'blocked' or had reason to question a friendship; some ebb away, some become stronger, some friendships are closer, then less close, they're not static, solid things.

I hope you find what you're needing.

Being friendly to people you don't like is falsely

Social interactions are complex and won't always fit your black and white thinking.

Sometimes we are forced into situations where we have to interact with people we wouldn't choose to in normal circumstances. In those situations, I tend to default to being friendly. It's not false because I am friendly by nature.

Again the key difference is being friendly versus being a friend.

Oh god please stop.

You may not understand why things work this way, but the rest of us can understand why it's better to oil the wheels with friendliness/civility wherever possible.

I'm removing the person who complemented me from my social media messenger. She has not responded to my message and has

Been online e so it's too upsetting to see her and so I'm taking g it off. She has no intention of responding so that's that

What's the problem? A friend of a friend offered to show you around (presumably as a bit of a favour to your mutual friend), you didn't particularly click, but you sent her a few polite messages when you got home - probably feeling a bit of obligation to do so, as she gave up her time to show you around - to which she didn't reply.
Clearly, like you, she didn't feel a particular connection, and figured a friend of a friend from another country, who she'll never likely bump into again, wasn't worth the effort.

I don't think it's worth being upset about.

Why is it upsetting @PerkyOchrePeer? You've said you don't like her or want to be her friend? Do you want her to want to be your friend so you can be the one rejecting her?

Being friendly to people in general is about getting along in a society.

Unless you’re actively horrible to me I would be friendly. I don’t have to hold an opinion about you in any way shape or form to be friendly. That’s many people’s default setting for interactions.

I don’t reserve friendliness for people I know well and like. That, by definition, isn’t being friendly.

Well it's too upsetting for me to see someone on messenger who had no inte tion of messaging me so I'd rather not see their name. Especially if the person is someone I really like

I think that's probably for the best in this instance. I do think you need to work on resetting your expectations around friendships and social interactions.

Is this the same woman from Australia who you didn't like and thought fancied you?

No

I even told her in the message that I had added her as a friend on my Facebook in case she had not noticed my request. She read it and still has not accepted the request. Why do I frigging bother

I think you should stop bothering. You don't message someone about a friend's request! You leave it well alone.

Just deleted her as a contact and cannot see her anymore

The issue isn't that you initiate contact or add friends on social media. That's ok. The issue is that when someone lets you know they aren't interested, whether that is by telling you directly or letting you know indirectly by not accepting your friend request, you refuse to accept it and even resort to insulting them ("they're a crap friend", "they're false").

Making new friends as an adult is hard, but you need to know when to continue to engage and when to leave it.

I get it somewhat. A lot of us don't find adult friendship easy to understand and it would save a lot of bother if it was very obvious who would go on to be a friend by how they behave. Or some other sort of unambiguous label would be great.

Sadly it doesn't work like that and in order to be open to friendship we have to be prepared to invest our time and effort in people that might turn out to be dead ends. I don't think just being nice and friendly to others is false though, that's just being a good person. It's only false when you make promises or commitments that you don't intend to keep.

OP I do think that you need some support to help you navigate social relationships though.

It's a completely normal societal norm to be nice to someone you don't like.

For example, you may not like a colleague but you need to be professional so you are friendly with them.

If I meet a friend of a friend and I don't particularly like them, I would still make effort to make conversation and be friendly.

Just because I don't like someone, it doesn't mean I'm entitled to treat them badly or in an unfriendly way. I just wouldn't be friends with them.

Everyone deserves to be treated with at least a baseline of respect; not everyone gets on.

Also, just because you like someone, it doesn't mean they have to be friends with you.

What exactly are you looking for in a friendship?

Would you say you feel rejected because she doesn't want to be your friend, so you make up your mind they're a bad person, so you feel better?