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AIBU?

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Original poster

Crap friend

343 replies

PerkyOchrePeer · 07/07/2025 22:43

I went on holiday last year and met up with a friend of a friend. I didnt really know her but was grateful that she offered to show me around. We didnt have much in common but rubed along ok. I thought she was a bit full on with her behaviour and wondered if she was gay. After the holiday, we went our seperate ways and i sent her the odd fìendly wassap message to which she replied to but in a cold polite but not that friend manner. The last couple of messages she totally ignored so i have now deleted her from my phone and wont be messaging her again.

I was annoyed at first because i have made an effort to remain on friendlý terms

OP posts:
Hobnobswantshernameback · 09/07/2025 19:06

Oh ffs you
again
honestly people save your energy

AuntyHistamine · 09/07/2025 20:23

Hobnobswantshernameback · 09/07/2025 19:06

Oh ffs you
again
honestly people save your energy

?

BungleWasBrill · 09/07/2025 21:03

This poster has, in the past week, started several threads. She asks for advice (or, at least, opinions) repeatedly, then carries on as if no-one has answered. What does she WANT, exactly?

CatAsstrophe · 09/07/2025 21:17

landlordhell · 09/07/2025 15:58

No it’s just the op seems to have trouble reading a social normality. That often is common on the autistic spectrum

Show quote history

Thank you for educating me, an autistic woman, on one of the multiple, potential autistic traits. One of MANY.

Just because the OP potentially has ONE trait, doesn't mean she's autistic. Perhaps, as suggested earlier the thread, she's just batshit. Or perhaps she's bored. Or attention seeking. Multiple potential reasons.

One trait does not equal autism.

CatAsstrophe · 09/07/2025 21:20

BungleWasBrill · 09/07/2025 21:03

This poster has, in the past week, started several threads. She asks for advice (or, at least, opinions) repeatedly, then carries on as if no-one has answered. What does she WANT, exactly?

Attention?

It's a bit sad really. 'Get a life' springs to mind.

landlordhell · 09/07/2025 22:09

CatAsstrophe · 09/07/2025 21:17

Thank you for educating me, an autistic woman, on one of the multiple, potential autistic traits. One of MANY.

Just because the OP potentially has ONE trait, doesn't mean she's autistic. Perhaps, as suggested earlier the thread, she's just batshit. Or perhaps she's bored. Or attention seeking. Multiple potential reasons.

One trait does not equal autism.

Show quote history

I didn’t say it did. I asked if she was.

BungleWasBrill · 09/07/2025 22:21

Fair enough, landlordhell, (Sorry, have just registered, am not clear yet how to quote.) It's a reasonable thing to ask. Another problem the OP seems to struggle with is overthinking and rumination, going over the same thing over and over. Again, this is common in many autistic people (not all, obviously.)

I know someone very like the OP, especially in regard to friendships and expectations thereof. And that someone definitely is autistic. Confusing casual friendliness with "I want to be your friend." Believing that someone saying something like"Those tops really suit your figure" is an unacceptably forward thing to say.

If autism isn't a terrible thing, why is it such a terrible thing to suggest it as a possibility?

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 01:15

CatAsstrophe · 09/07/2025 21:17

Thank you for educating me, an autistic woman, on one of the multiple, potential autistic traits. One of MANY.

Just because the OP potentially has ONE trait, doesn't mean she's autistic. Perhaps, as suggested earlier the thread, she's just batshit. Or perhaps she's bored. Or attention seeking. Multiple potential reasons.

One trait does not equal autism.

Show quote history

Bored or attention seeking is moŕe likely. Perhaps that is also why i sek out a friendship with someone i dont really want. It is because it nakes me appear popular because ive always been unpopular and at school never in the in crowd and not inviteď to parties and so i was trying to get this woman to befriend me so that i could feel normal

OP posts:
PepsiMaxCherryAddict · 10/07/2025 05:22

If you didn’t like her that much because you didn’t have much in common and thought her behaviour was full on, why did you then attempt to message her after and get annoyed that she was ‘’cold’’ and call her a crap friend? She wasn’t a friend, she was someone you met for a short holiday who you didn’t like that much, so what’s the issue?

Sounds to me like you have a self esteem issue. Despite not liking her all that much, you wanted her to like you, and because she didn’t respond the way you wanted you feel rejected and like there’s something wrong with you to make her not like you. I mean, if you didn’t like her, the chances are you would have given off that vibe anyway so it’s not a surprise she didn’t take to you in return.

It’s either that or you did actually like her but you’re now trying to list as many personal faults with her as you can so that you feel better about being snubbed. A bit like when someone asks someone out, gets rejected and then claims they didn’t like them anyway 😂

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 06:47

PepsiMaxCherryAddict · 10/07/2025 05:22

If you didn’t like her that much because you didn’t have much in common and thought her behaviour was full on, why did you then attempt to message her after and get annoyed that she was ‘’cold’’ and call her a crap friend? She wasn’t a friend, she was someone you met for a short holiday who you didn’t like that much, so what’s the issue?

Sounds to me like you have a self esteem issue. Despite not liking her all that much, you wanted her to like you, and because she didn’t respond the way you wanted you feel rejected and like there’s something wrong with you to make her not like you. I mean, if you didn’t like her, the chances are you would have given off that vibe anyway so it’s not a surprise she didn’t take to you in return.

It’s either that or you did actually like her but you’re now trying to list as many personal faults with her as you can so that you feel better about being snubbed. A bit like when someone asks someone out, gets rejected and then claims they didn’t like them anyway 😂

Yes it was based on past experience of rejection and after she showed me around i thought there might be some hope i can get someone to want to befriend me by messaging and showing an interest in them which was wrong because if she had taken me up on the messages and thought i genuinely geled with her , that would be giving her a false impression. Iys like when i was 19 i got asked out by a bloke of 25. I did not fancy him but dated him for 3 months because i wanted to be like other girls my age and have a boyfriend. I hated kissing him and in the end i dumped him because i just could not do it anymore. It was just so that i could say to people ive got a boyfriend. I liked the idea of having a boyfriend more than I liked the idea of being with him

OP posts:
Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 06:53

Now I think about it it's wrong to use people just for popularity and so I'd rather be on my own and have fewer friends then put up with someone and use someone just for popularity status because somebody did that to me and I was very upset. About 15 years ago I met a bloke at work and he asked me out and I really did fancy him but he wasn't that much into me and after a few weeks he dumped me for somebody else who he wanted all along so I know what it feels like

OP posts:
Wellwater · 10/07/2025 08:38

PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 06:47

Yes it was based on past experience of rejection and after she showed me around i thought there might be some hope i can get someone to want to befriend me by messaging and showing an interest in them which was wrong because if she had taken me up on the messages and thought i genuinely geled with her , that would be giving her a false impression. Iys like when i was 19 i got asked out by a bloke of 25. I did not fancy him but dated him for 3 months because i wanted to be like other girls my age and have a boyfriend. I hated kissing him and in the end i dumped him because i just could not do it anymore. It was just so that i could say to people ive got a boyfriend. I liked the idea of having a boyfriend more than I liked the idea of being with him

Show quote history

But @PerkyOchrePeer, how would having someone you met on holiday on the other side of the world, even someone who replied enthusiastically to your messages, add to your ‘popularity’?

And literally everyone had had a relationship where someone else ended things! It doesn’t make us all get huffy on the internet when a friend of a friend stops answering our messages. There’s absolutely no indication the colleague you went out with briefly 15 years ago was ‘using you for popularity’. He asked you out, you dated for a short while, he didn’t think it was working out, so he ended things. That’s pretty normal.

WhatNoRaisins · 10/07/2025 08:51

I think you need to talk to someone professionally about your fear of rejection.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 09:07

Somebody I no met her husband on the holiday. They correspondent after the holiday met up a few times and then got married and they've been married now for 25 years

OP posts:
NoWomanNoBuy · 10/07/2025 10:08

Yes it happens once in a great while, and in some of those cases it works out well and they live happily ever after. That doesn't mean you can force it to happen with someone just because you want it to.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 10/07/2025 12:19

PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 09:07

Somebody I no met her husband on the holiday. They correspondent after the holiday met up a few times and then got married and they've been married now for 25 years

That worked because they clicked and both of them wanted it to work. In your case, neither of you wanted it to work.

Elevenor · 10/07/2025 12:23

PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 09:07

Somebody I no met her husband on the holiday. They correspondent after the holiday met up a few times and then got married and they've been married now for 25 years

Of course there are people who meet at random and go on to have close friendships or even relationships. I don't think anyone has disputed that.

But that hasn't happened in this case for you.

Try not to take it personally, it doesn't mean you aren't likeable or can't make friends.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 11/07/2025 01:39

Im over this woman now. Instead of focussing on her, i am focussing on the people who share my outlook on life. They say opposites attract and you can learn from one another. I tried to share my interests with her and my outlook on life but she wasnt interested and she gave nothing of herself. Her brother died just before i went out to see her and i told her i wwas sorry in a message and she did not even say thank you .

There are better people i can be focussing my energy on

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 11/07/2025 03:00

@PerkyOchrePeer death can do funny things.

You didn't go out to see her though, you went on hols and she showed you around. Definitely focus on yourself and acceptance that people have their own lives to lead, as do you

WarmMJ · 11/07/2025 06:06

PerkyOchrePeer · 11/07/2025 01:39

Im over this woman now. Instead of focussing on her, i am focussing on the people who share my outlook on life. They say opposites attract and you can learn from one another. I tried to share my interests with her and my outlook on life but she wasnt interested and she gave nothing of herself. Her brother died just before i went out to see her and i told her i wwas sorry in a message and she did not even say thank you .

There are better people i can be focussing my energy on

Dear god, your entitlement and lack of empathy are actually chilling.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 11/07/2025 07:03

WarmMJ · 11/07/2025 06:06

Dear god, your entitlement and lack of empathy are actually chilling.

Show quote history

I disagree but ive been reprimanded by a long standing friend when she said something nice and i forgot to say thank you. Im meeting up with a friend today who always thanks me if i say something ñice and when she had a bereavement i said sorry and her reply was thank yòu very much

OP posts:
Wellwater · 11/07/2025 07:16

PerkyOchrePeer · 11/07/2025 01:39

Im over this woman now. Instead of focussing on her, i am focussing on the people who share my outlook on life. They say opposites attract and you can learn from one another. I tried to share my interests with her and my outlook on life but she wasnt interested and she gave nothing of herself. Her brother died just before i went out to see her and i told her i wwas sorry in a message and she did not even say thank you .

There are better people i can be focussing my energy on

She lost a sibling just before she showed you around when you were on holiday, and your response to this isn’t gratitude that, even while grieving, she put herself out for you, but annoyance she didn’t thank you for condoling with her?

She showed you around, spent time with you and offered you a place to stay, and you think she ‘gave nothing of herself’?

WhatNoRaisins · 11/07/2025 07:25

OP there's something really off about the way that you relate to other people. I'm not a fan of amateur internet diagnosis so I won't go there but I do think it's something you need to look into.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 11/07/2025 09:07

I get what you say but let's agree to disagree because even if I was in her position I would still say thank you I'm sorry but it's just the way I am I've been brought up to always stay thank you no matter what and I'm not keen on people who gave out the impression of being okay when they're not and I don't like the stiff upper lip approach so I think I'll leave this thread now there's nothing more to say accept I've got friends in my life who I know I bond was very well and let's leave it at that

OP posts:
WaitedBlankey · 11/07/2025 09:15

I think a lot of us are feeling increasingly sorry for the poor woman who showed you around her area, was nothing but pleasant and kind, and had recently been bereaved.

Your judgment of her is harsh and completely undeserved. You should take a long hard look at your own behaviour and expectations. To put it mildly, they do not fit with social norms.