Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

So SS treats with disrespect and your dh never put him in his place. He will now talk some sense into him. If you don’t want to involve police then tell your dh he would stay at your place on one condition that you would slap him back for him to realise how it feels.

I feel you need therapy of your own to help you work on self esteem. You have thought of everyone but yourself. Do you have kids?

I agree with this. @midwifemayhem SS is 17, not 7. While it is a young age, they are physically strong enough to cause damage. SS has shown he has no respect and control over his anger to slap you, he is not a poor child.
There are 17 years old, who have done heinous crime. I am not saying he is one of them but he is very troubled and can treat a person he has no respect for with violence, which makes him a dangerous person. Report to police, maybe consequences will help him to make changes.

He can’t come back while her dh is away. That should be crystal clear. Dh needs to call him and say men do not hit women. End of story. you cannot stay in our house now, you’ve made your staying unsafe for <op name>. You’re very very lucky she isn’t reporting you to the police at the moment, but she might change her mind. It’s her absolute right, you’ve assaulted her. I’m so upset and disappointed.

When I worked in a Scottish high school, a 15 yr old boy assaulted another boy, punched me in the stomach (probably precipitating a very early miscarriage - the next day) and went on to punch two male teachers who came to my assistance.

A colleague later told me that according to her father - a retired police sergeant - teenage boys can be very dangerous indeed.

Once my DH was overseas and an emergency situation arose. I sent him a basic message telling him in three words what was happening and that he needed to come home. He went straight to the airport.

That's how a good husband behaves when the situation calls for it. Your situation definitely calls for it.

I get where you're coming from, @midwifemayhem , but only because that's the expected reaction for women: protect dh and (his) dc. Bluntly, if you want to martyr yourself get ready for a repeat.

You are incorrect: reporting assault and battery to the police that happened with no witnesses/evidence (other than a victim's statement) generally would only be investigated/acted on by the police if the victim asked for the police to take action. Why? Because the police need the victim to support any action being taken. The police can still keep a record and give the victim a reference number - which is the whole point here: to document that something bad happened, so that it can be used in future if the situation deteriorates even further. Making a police report doesn't = a conviction. Nor does it = a criminal record. And, again, there is value to a victim being able to speak to law enforcement, not least because by having a report number they are then eligible for help and support from victim support services.

Please do not dissuade people from seeking protection and help from the Police, particularly if they have been the victim of a violent crime, and are still feeling under threat of future violence.

No one should be hitting anyone. The notion of "men don't hit women" suggests that it's somehow acceptable for women to hit women, or women to hit men, or men to hit men - and it isn't. Violence against other people is not acceptable. Threatening other people with violence is not acceptable.

This may seem pedantic but it isn't: violent acts and threats are unacceptable regardless of the gender (or sexuality) of the people involved, and it's very important to stop any suggestion that violence is somehow less of a problem if there is a different gender mix of the people involved.

This.

while I agree no one should be hitting anyone, both violence and strength are extremely gendered. This boy is not a 6yo to be learning the basics. He’s physically a near adult male who needs to learn right now that he can’t hit a woman because he can badly hurt her or might kill her. This is a crisis and the immediate message to him is He. cannot. hit. women. It’s not peace and love and we should all be kind to each other, it’s not but women shouldn’t hit men either- he’s not worried about the op hitting back! They can have some broader discussions later, now is just for the critical headlines.

Feel like a total failure tbh. DS mostly listens to DH. With me it’s like I’m invisible or the enemy. He constantly makes digs, says horrible misogynistic crap like I’m just trying to control him or I’m jealous of his freedom or some rubbish. Won’t take no from me but if DH says it, it’s gospel.

It really sounds like he hates women and sees them as shit. This is a problem with whoever raised him, they didn't raise him to value women. He sees you as a bit of shit under his shoe, and your husband needs to take the blame because he has given him the idea that it's ok and has enabled it. Surely over these years your DH has noticed how he treats you? But has said and done nothing. Your DH needs to take a lot of the blame for how this boy has turned out. Sorry but he has failed as a parent.

DH says he’ll try and talk some sense into him but he’s devastated this has happened while he’s away.

See, this sounds weak and wishy washy. Like a half-hearted attempt. Any decent husband will say he 'will read him the fucking riot act'. Clearly your husband isn't that "devastated" as his response is so weak and half-hearted. I would expect a LOT STRONGER response to you than that! Your DH's response to you is just not good enough, is it? I would be prepared for nothing to change with this boy, because your DH doesn't sound that bothered to be honest. He isn't going to really try.

When your DH said to you he'll "try and talk some sense into him" my immediate retort would have been 'you'd better fucking well do better than that!!! Or else our relationship is at stake here'.

I am sorry What a shock
whatever problems he has on his shoulders does not excuse a full slap in the face
i do actually think you should contact SS as his behaviour has now escalated into violence and a safeguarding risk
SS can and do accommodate DC like your SS if there’s a complicated family background and now breakdown in relationship
Can he stay with his Sister until DH returns?
you need to protect yourself now
consider having someone to come and stay
presumably he has a key
you could change the locks, that will make him think.
I had a turbulent time with my own DS at 16 and he was placed in a council flat
i hope you have good support around you

@danascully96 I think you posted that in the wrong thread?

i wouldn’t accept him living back with me at all , even when OH returns . A line has been crossed the moment he got violent . The kid is seriously damaged and your safety comes first .

Even if you don’t call the police (although you should but it’s your decision), you really shouldn’t let him back into the house. Your husband and his ex need to arrange for some sort of alternative accommodation for him, as far away from you as possible. It’s not just about the slap, the kid has been coercively controlling you by fouling your house and treating you like a domestic slave. It’s not ok and it’s not your fault. If he wants to come back under your roof it must be after a process of reparation and reconciliation. For his own good and yours.

@midwifemayhem

This kid is not yours. Change the locks and call the Police.

Fuck him - you owe him nothing. Slapping you crosses more lines than I can think of.

If he comes back, call the Police. Abusive fucker needs to be taught a lesson.

Wake up DH. You have lost track of what is acceptable and are protecting the wrong person.
Obviously it is later now but Wake Him Up still stands. His son is in serious trouble and causing serious trouble. Being adopted is irrelevant here, btw.

Agree re reporting even if just for the record.

But the bigger question is where you go now, given he will be back at some point. Do you think that you can ever feel safe around him again? And what would the conditions for that be? No visitors? Respecting your space? You need to be VERY clear on a new set of boundaries and if he puts a foot out of line he’s out. Good luck op x

Escalating it by hitting him is potentially dangerous and I wouldn't recommend that.

What happens if his reaction is to hit back harder?

Completely agree - the idea of hitting him back is absolutely insane! That will give him the green light to hit back again even harder, and could lead to a full on fight.

I know police are under staffed etc but I used to work in police admin and back then they'd have been happy for your local PCSO to come round and give him a talking to. Don't know if it would still happen.

My main advice is don't have him back while your husband is away and if he is ever to come back he needs to show he is willing and able to change his ways. You have to feel comfortable about it so don't agree unless it until you feel ready.

Hopefully he can stay with his sister till dad gets back and sorts something out.

Good luck and I hope you are ok.

Try reading the OP updates. From hours ago.

Do not let him back in - let him stay with sister. If he tries to break in call police.