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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

467 replies

midwifemayhem · 07/07/2025 22:18

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

OP posts:
murasaki · 07/07/2025 23:55

You could report online so there is contemporaneous report if you don't want to speak to someone in person. He will do it again , whether to you or a partner so it needs to be logged.

Noshadelamp · 07/07/2025 23:55

"I’m trying to hold onto what little relationship we have left for DH’s sake" @midwifemayhem

What sort of relationship do you think you'll have with the ss now?
Will you ever feel safe, both physically and psychologically? Even wihen DH is back and in the house, can he guarantee you feeling safe in your own home?

I get that you don't want to call the police, it feels like a big step as he's only 17, but if not the police, he needs professional help.

It has to be a condition of any relationship going forward that he engages with some sort of professional intervention - anger management, family therapy, whatever you and DH decide.

Also, it's ok for you to not have any relationship with DH's ds. DH can see him outside of the home and separate to you. You don't have to be involved if you don't want to.

Fiveminutestomyself · 08/07/2025 00:03

@Caligirl80 I agree with everything you've said.
I am so sorry you've gone through that, I'm not going to argue that a slap can't be as damaging.
I was saying about what I've seen slaps escalate to.

SunnyViper · 08/07/2025 00:03

Police involvement would be the start of an intervention that this boy clearly needs. You NEED to report it.

Excited101 · 08/07/2025 00:05

You won’t ever feel relaxed around him again, you won’t ever be able to be left with him on your own again.

You will not have broken the relationship by involving the police- he has done that. It will happen again, he’s not even remorseful now and from what you’ve described of him, the slap (hit) is just the cherry on the top of his overall attitude.

whynotwhatknot · 08/07/2025 00:08

hes going to talk to him-wtf is that going to do

you need to tell dh that hes not to come back to your home

Ohnobackagain · 08/07/2025 00:15

@midwifemayhem your update suggests to me that it’s DH his DSS was wanting to hurt rather than you - you were the conduit if you like. Absolutely not excusing it but he is hitting out at his ‘safety net’ going away (DH). Obviously not coping with the extended absence. Very difficult for all of you. But you can’t have him back in the house, at least not until DH is back (and even then - I wouldn’t want to. Anyway, I wouldn’t feel safe either). So sorry.

Caligirl80 · 08/07/2025 00:20

RogueFemale · 07/07/2025 23:46

Your relationship contract with DH doesn't include assault by his stepson. Report to the police.

Show quote history

Plus, for all we know, the DSS has himself reported to the police and claimed that OP started the incident and that it was self defense. Point being: it's important as a general matter to report these things while they are fresh in the memory and as close to the event as possible because you don't know what other reports are being made. Sadly it wouldn't be the first time that accusations of violence were made against a step-parent by a step-child who was the one who actually was the perpetrator of the violent incident.

Reporting a crime does not necessarily mean you, or the police, take any further action, but what it does do is to give you a documented record of having reported a potential crime, and that means victim support can help. Hopefully at the very least OP knows that she has the option of calling the non-emergency number, can ask to speak to the officers who deal with domestic violence incidents, and ask what the potential options are in terms of whether to report what happened, what happens if the assault & battery are reported, whether it can be reported but no police action taken, and if the police were to take action what that might be. I am sure, based on my experience, that the officers would then take the time, if asked, to outline and explain what the procedure would be for an incident like that, and what action may or may not be taken. Sadly it won't be the first time the police will have dealt with a call like that - it happens on a regular basis - so they are well versed in dealing with people who are worried about reporting a family member for domestic violence.

Such a desperately sad situation and I am very sorry for OP that she is having to deal with this and that her DH is so far away. I hope she has kind friends and her own side of the family who can be with her and keep her company.

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 00:21

CaptainFuture · 07/07/2025 22:23

Keep the door locked. And call the police. He needs to be charged with assault. It won't be popular on mn who will.pile on with cries of 'he MUST be ND so pda' which means you have to accept being abused/assaulted but no, you don't.

Nope. The majority in here are suggesting she call the police.

I hope she did.

Caligirl80 · 08/07/2025 00:22

murasaki · 07/07/2025 23:55

You could report online so there is contemporaneous report if you don't want to speak to someone in person. He will do it again , whether to you or a partner so it needs to be logged.

The online reporting system is pretty easy to navigate - though you don't get the benefit of speaking anonymously with an officer to get the benefit of speaking to someone and asking whatever questions you may have. They are, sadly, used to people calling with domestic violence issues and being worried about what happens if they report a family member.

StrikeForever · 08/07/2025 00:22

It sounds as if you are very tolerant of the boy, maybe too tolerant. In any case, you sound like a very caring woman. I really don’t think you should let him back in at all, not just tonight. Let him stay with his sister.

darkenednights · 08/07/2025 00:23

I would call the police. Your DH needs to come home due to 'family crisis'.

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 00:25

You think you are helping him
by not calling the police but you are not. He will just continue with this behaviour and it will get worse. He will hurt other people. Getting the police involved will give him a bit of a shock and could help
him to make changes at this early stage in his life.

TheAutumnCrow · 08/07/2025 00:30

darkenednights · 08/07/2025 00:23

I would call the police. Your DH needs to come home due to 'family crisis'.

I agree that the DH needs to come home. But it sounds like he won’t.

PeapodMcgee · 08/07/2025 00:30

Sounds like OP is more worried about affecting her relationship with her DH..

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2025 00:31

SunnyFTM567 · 07/07/2025 22:22

  1. Call police
  1. Wake up your damn husband
  1. Pack his bags and change the locks. You do NOT have to put up with domestic violence.

This

Caligirl80 · 08/07/2025 00:34

Fiveminutestomyself · 08/07/2025 00:03

@Caligirl80 I agree with everything you've said.
I am so sorry you've gone through that, I'm not going to argue that a slap can't be as damaging.
I was saying about what I've seen slaps escalate to.

I hear you - thank you - my post was more to make the general point for people out there (not you - you clearly understand) who think that a slap doesn't really count as battery, or is somehow not terribly harmful etc etc (sadly there are a lot of them out there - pop culture/movies etc show people being slapped in relationship and domestic situation assl the time, and the characters just shake it off, but oh my gosh in real life it can cause so much damage.

I also wanted OP to know that she shouldn't feel like she should downplay what happened to her because DSS "only" slapped her versus punching her. To my mind there's no "only" about it - but sadly there are lots of people out there who think that slapping a woman, in particular, is somehow an acceptable thing to do during an argument.

I completely understand the hesitation about reporting domestic violence - I have had to go through that myself and it's absolutely wretched. Most of us wouldn't think twice about reporting a stranger who threatened and hit us in the street - we'd do it and feel vindicated. But domestic violence is so damn awful for so many reasons - including the fear of the unknown that happens when trying to decide what to do about it. I am glad that, at the very least, OP reached out to people on MN - at least she isn't dealing with this completely by herself.

anytipswelcome · 08/07/2025 00:36

His son has assaulted his wife.

It is a family emergency.

His wife is not safe in her own home.

He needs to fly back home today.

Work is not more important than your safety.

Girlking · 08/07/2025 00:40

Sophiehoney · 07/07/2025 22:26

I'm surprised at the amount of people that are not Immediately jumping to police. Forget his dad and don't send him back to his mums
Get him in a cell.

☝🏻obviously!

Devianinc · 08/07/2025 00:40

Caligirl80 · 07/07/2025 23:52

A slap can do just as much damage, if not more, as a punch. It isn't a lesser punch. I was viciously slapped across the face by my violent ex-husband (fortunately a long time ago and I haven't seen him in years - though the damage he causes impacts me every day) and the impact made my head/neck turn so suddenly and quickly that it not only caused a traumatic brain injury but also caused neck injuries that were and are so bad that I am now disabled because of them and cannot use one of my arms properly due to the damage that was done (as well as being in constant pain - I've had and need spine surgeries and other procedures). A slap did that. It knocked me out and put me on the floor. So there is nothing lesser or less harmful about a slap compared to a punch.

Also, more generally: it is important to note that an assault is the threat of imminent harmful or offensive contact, while battery is the actual physical contact or application of force. A person can be convicted of assaulting someone even if they didn't even touch the other person - it is the threat of harm that is the offence. Whereas battery is the crime that happens when there is physical contact. So, in this case OP has suffered - and DSS has allegedly committed - both assault AND battery. And because she's reasonably scared of being harmed if the DSS returns to the house she may have multiple assault claims if he actually shows up at the house and she feels threatened again. Every time OP is threatened or feels threatened with imminent harm that is an assault. The fact she has actually been hit means she's also a victim of battery. Two separate but related offences. The fact that OP has already been the victim of two separate criminal offenses should underscore the severity of this situation for anyone who is trying to minimise the issue, or claim that police shouldn't be involved or won't do anything etc etc etc. Sadly domestic violence victims often have to deal with that kind of response from people: they are treated as if the assault and battery they suffered is somehow less severe or less important or less credible then if a stranger threatened and hit them...when in reality for most of us it is even worse if someone we live with does that to us because it destroys our sense of peace and security at home, and also impacts the victim's ability to rely on family/friends as a support structure. Domestic violence is awful.

Show quote history

Truer words than ever spoken. Wow, it also causes fear. Fear causes a lot of mental health problems. Caligirl80, you’re one smart woman.

Caligirl80 · 08/07/2025 00:45

midwifemayhem · 07/07/2025 23:31

Managed to get hold of DH once he woke up. He’s absolutely furious and really upset. Not just at what happened tonight but how much worse things have clearly been getting while he’s been away.

He’s messaged DSS and told him to call him straight away. He’s got one of those apps that tracks location and it looks like DSS is with his sister so nowhere near here, which is a bit of a relief tbh. At least I know he’s not coming back in the middle of the night.

For those still saying I should’ve called the police, I get it, I really do, and I’m not saying I’ll never go there if things escalate again, but I’m not ready to involve them yet. It feels like a last resort and I’m trying to hold onto what little relationship we have left for DH’s sake.

Weirdly the first few days after DH flew out, things were actually ok. DSS was calm, wasn’t inviting anyone round, was out most of the day doing his own thing, coming back for dinner and staying civil. DH would check in regularly and DSS would usually respond. But it’s like the longer DH has been away the worse it’s got.

He was really upset about DH going to Australia. Didn’t say it much but you could tell. But it was a work trip and DH honestly tried to get out of it but couldn’t. He told DSS it would only be a month and they could do stuff together when he’s back, watch the football, drive down to the coast, that kind of thing. DSS seemed ok with it at the time.

I don’t think his mum would take him back. She and her partner both do drugs and it’s just constant drama and chaos over there. That’s why he came here in the first place. He said he felt safer. But now I’m sat here not feeling safe in my own home and just wondering what the hell I’m meant to do next.

DH says he’ll try and talk some sense into him but he’s devastated this has happened while he’s away.

OP: I hope your husband can remote install or tell you how to install that tracking app on your phone so you can have a little peace of mind about where DSS may be (with the understanding that a phone being somewhere doesn't necessarily mean the owner is with it - but teenagers seem almost physically unable to separate themselves from their phones). Obviously I don't know what app is being used, but as part of the response to this it seems to me that you absolutely should be able to have this info - hopefully it's possible to either mirror DH's app so you can see what he is seeing, or have some way of having you added to the permissions without DSS knowing about it (which could just make things worse).

Francestein · 08/07/2025 00:47

Also, you need to install video cameras inside and outside of your home that you and DH can access remotely. If you need to bring charges against this young man, you can. It may also be what he needs to get him help. I imagine that he hasn’t had the most stable upbringing. He may even have substance abuse issues of his own. Either way, you deserve to be safe in your own home @midwifemayhem and do not have to tolerate this kind of behaviour.

MyLov · 08/07/2025 01:13

I agree OP I wouldn’t call the police either. This is a really really damaged 17 year old boy. The fallout from calling the police will be massive (to both him and your relationship) and be further damaging him as he will likely feel utterly betrayed/abandoned (rightly or wrongly). He’s already been effectively abandoned by his mother (and if he was adopted did he have early trauma too? It’s unclear whether your DH adopted the child of his ex, or they both adopted him). No his behaviour is not ok, and I would be saying if this happens again the police will be called, and I wouldn’t have him back in the house until your DH is back and he can be there to speak with him and clearly set out some boundaries and keep you safe. Can he stay with his sister?

I am wondering if he is so awful to you because of the issues with his mother’s partner? Is he transferring some of these issues into you? Expecting you to be the same in some way? We learn relationship patterns and can transfer fears from one relationship to another even when there’s no cause to do so. Plus we also seem to want to subconsciously repeat patterns in relationships even if they are bad for us because they feel familiar.

Has he had any therapy? The situation with his mother’s partner and partner sounds so dysfunctional, he’s likely to have some trauma and attachment issues. It sounds from your post like there’s a lot he doesn’t talk about and that’s how issues and resentment breeds. plus you may want to think about family therapy to work through some of this and start to establish some healthier relationships and boundaries.

i do hope you are able to find a way forward while keeping yourself safe. 💐💐💐

Trendyname · 08/07/2025 01:23

midwifemayhem · 07/07/2025 22:48

Thanks everyone who’s replied, I honestly wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or being dramatic but I’m really not, am I.

I don’t need medical attention, it wasn’t that kind of slap, more shocking than painful. Just rattled me. He stormed out and hasn’t come back yet. He does have keys but he didn’t take them so I don’t think he’s planning to come back tonight.

I know a few of you said to phone the police and I get why but I just can’t bring myself to go that far. He’s still a kid really and I think there’s a lot going on with him mentally and emotionally. Not excusing it at all but I feel like if I go down that road it’ll just blow everything up for good.

DH would absolutely back me if I told him and he’ll be furious when he finds out but it’s 5am for him right now and I didn’t want to dump it on him in the middle of the night. I know some of you think I should wake him anyway but I just couldn’t. He’s under pressure with work over there and I thought maybe I could wait till morning and have a proper call.

Feel like a total failure tbh. DS mostly listens to DH. With me it’s like I’m invisible or the enemy. He constantly makes digs, says horrible misogynistic crap like I’m just trying to control him or I’m jealous of his freedom or some rubbish. Won’t take no from me but if DH says it, it’s gospel.

I don’t want him back here tonight. Still sat with the doors locked, don’t know what I’ll do if he shows up. Just wish I knew how it got to this.

You don’t want to dump on your dh but he dumped his abusive son on you to deal with.

2021x · 08/07/2025 01:26

Wow OP you really have been through it. It sounds like you DH has for your back and I hope this behaviour now pushes him to act.

This kid has been let down by so many people, and now you are copping it. It’s so wrong on many levels. It’s teenage behaviour turbo charged.

I understand your sentiments around not calling the police this time. I can imagine the shock. Next time do not hesitate. It feels awful in the short term, but will help him in the long term.