Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

He sounds awful and he needs to learn that his actions have consequences. You're not helping him by being all soft and cuddly. If you don't show him consequences then other people will and the rest of his life won't look pretty.

Even before the slap. He is behaving like a shitbag in someone else's home and should be a consequence. The consequence is he is chucked out.

He's not two. he is seventeen.

I also imagine he is not stupid )and knows better but chooses not to care).

You and your DH are both doormats.

It's no wonder he is stepping all over you. You are allowing behaviour no parent ever should.

No men round your house. No weed. Call the police immediately if he is violent. Show him how proper adults behave and expect to be treated, and the consequences of not doing that.

Boundaries aren't selfish, they don't just make your life easier. They make your children feel more secure. It's probably far too late at 17 for this boy, but worth a shot.

Me too. This young man sounds like an Andrew Tate disciple with his misogynistic comments and attitude. Now that he's struck you you'll never feel safe again. If you don't report the assault he'll feel emboldened that he can get away with it. Be careful he doesn't report you first and accuse you of some hate crime (because he's gay/bi).

Your husband's comment that he'll "try and talk some sense into him" isn't good enough. You should be adamant that he's not to step foot back into the house while DH is away. He can send his sister to get some clothes if necessary but he's not coming in. Ideally your DH should be getting a flight back and citing family emergency.

Then you have to decide what happens next. Personally I could not live with this boy. He's violent and completely disrespectful. Sounds like this has been brewing for a long time. He's not going to suddenly have a lightbulb moment and change.

Call the police now - a line has been crossed and there is no going back. Your SS is old enough to understand that actions have consequences. Your DH coming back in 2 weeks to have stern words isn’t really going to cut it.
Your SS has been disrespecting you and your home for months now and in your OP you said he ignores you every time you put a boundary in place - what is you DH doing about this? Why isn’t he the one putting boundaries in place? Why is the parenting along with cleaning up after SS being left to you?
Please do not compromise your safety for the sake of keeping the peace. Do not allow your SS back into your home again, I can only see the situation being repeated.
Do you have children OP? Whose house is it you all live in?

He needs a lot more than just “talking some sense” into him. This is the time for some serious consequences and tough love from his father’s part.

Personally, I’d add bags with his stuff by the door. If he’s grown enough to hit, he’s grown enough to live on his own.

I don’t know why so many of you are blaming OP for not calling the police. She has made her own decision. The consequences can be serious enough without that that the teen is left in no doubt that this cannot happen again. It’s honestly starting to look like victim blaming.

‘Talking some sense into him’ is ridiculous. It won’t make the slightest bit of difference and all he’ll learn from this is that he can abuse you (and in the wider sense, women generally) physically to no consequence. Your husband is doing his son no favours and clearly doesn’t really have your back op.

Pretty much everyone is saying call the police

Phone police, husband and change locks. This is a warning.

He cannot stay with you anymore. Your safety is important.

Ah well if your DH is gonna have a talk with him from across the world (assuming you're UK based) I guess he's magically gonna change his ways.
Like fuck would I tolerate being slapped across the face in my own home (even by my own children).
DSS knows he did wrong. I get that he's had a rough time, raising your hands is not ok. He's been pushing boundaries for a long time and no surprise, getting away with it. Now he's going to get a talking to.... so realistically no real consequence.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. When this escalates (and it will) I hope you actually take the advice of previous posters and realise that you owe this "child" nothing.

And the phone husband at 5am. I mean what is he going to do at 5 that he can't do at 7 when he wakes up. I know she's spoken to him now but again it very much her being told she's wrong.

Depends what the father says to him. If he tells him to stay at his sister's and he isn't allowed back in the house and his father will be meeting him when he gets back to work out what happens next surely that's what's needed now.

You need to log this with the police. He needs to realise there are consequences to his actions and he can’t just hit people when he doesn’t like what they are saying.
I wouldn’t be letting him back in the house, even when your husband is home.

You need to change the locks and not let him back. He’s violent and nasty and this will only get worse

He assaulted you in your own home. I would call social services. He obviously needs some counselling from what he has been through at his mums and his adoption. This is the age that if they are going to off the rails then they will. Do you have your own children, is there anyone else in the house with you?

Do you have someone who can come and stay with you while DH is away just as back up?

I'd be tempted to offer to put him up in a b&b until his father gets back if you don't feel safe in your own home, or get some of those ring cameras and link DH in so he can see whats going on.

I don’t think his mum would take him back. She and her partner both do drugs and it’s just constant drama and chaos over there. That’s why he came here in the first place. He said he felt safer. But now I’m sat here not feeling safe in my own home and just wondering what the hell I’m meant to do next.
DH says he’ll try and talk some sense into him but he’s devastated this has happened while he’s away.

That is completely irrelevant. He will have to leave. He cannot be allowed to continue living with you. He has overstepped a huge boundaries and the risk of him doing it again is too high. Especially because you did not call the police. He will be used to people being angry and shouting. That's not a real consequence. Which will be a carte blanche to do it again!

No police? Fine (your choice). But he needs to leave. Your DH needs to find him an other place to live.

And I absolutely agree with PPs: You need to call social services!!

If he is at his sisters then your husband needs to speak to her and ask him if she will have him at her house until he is back from Australia. He shouldn't be back in the house until your husband is back and you've both been able to process and talk about it and work out what to do next.

If sister says she can't have him, then your husband needs to organise accommodation for the next few weeks, whether that is an airBnb or staying with friends/family.

You have no way of knowing how this young man will respond to a warning from the police. It may wake him up to his behaviour. It is not our role as women to try to understand male violence. We have to protect ourselves and other women (and men) from their aggression.

The weed won’t be helping his behaviour either…..
Keep the doors locked and don’t let him back in under any circumstances. If he wants to collect his things his sister can collect them at a time that suits you. And have someone with you just in case. This young man has clearly had a troubled life with his mum but that is no excuse to assault you. Would he slap his father? I doubt it. He’s slapped you because you are a woman. I’m really sorry this has happened to you, especially while your DH is away. But this lad is 17 and old enough to know how to behave.

"talk some sense into him" won't do anything.
A line has been crossed. You and DSS both know this can happen again. He will be on his best behaviour for a while. But when the chips are down, you are both stressed, there's no one else around, he will do it again. Next time will be more and harder.

@midwifemayhem

I haven’t read everyone else’s posts but I think your step son probably has issues with attachment. Your husband has been the only stable person in his life growing up, his mum sounds utterly useless and he has dysfunctional relationships with other men who are mirroring his mums behavior. His dad has (in his mind) left him and you are the safe person who is left who he can take it all out on. None of this excuses his behaviour, but it might explain it (in bold for all the people who think I’m excusing it)

He needs psychological help sooner rather than later. Because his brain is still developing and it will be easier to sort out now.

You and DH need to maintain any boundaries that you’ve agreed together, which he will push, and if the consequences that you agree are police for a physical assault, then do that.

Also 5am is fine to contact your DH if his son has assaulted you. I can’t imagine a scenario where you wouldn’t think it was.

I’ve only read the OP’s updates so sorry if this has already been asked. Was he adopted by both parents or it is his biological mum and you husband adopted him? I’m only asking as if he was fully adopted then there is a strong likelihood of early childhood trauma and around attachment, which might explain why he was so affected by your husband going away.

You also mention his mum is a drug user, that will have played into his distain for women. Given the current social media influences he could easily go down that route.

This isn’t an excuse, he is nearly an adult and has self autonomy but it could be something to explore with counselling.

I am not sure he can live with you again, but going back to his mum’s is also not an option. Not without very strict boundaries in place, that he has to stick to and any breach is taken seriously - including counselling and weekly drug testing (you can buy tests on amazon).

He sounds completely traumatised. He had been subjected to separation, drugs and violence for many years. This had created a dysfunctional human being without or pushing boundaries. He is using the op's home for casual sex and drugs and has now resorted to violence when challenged.

I think you, in loco parents, need to contact the school or college, social services and the MASH team. This is a young man who need interventions urgently. I imagine you will have to pay for some of them. If his father disagrees with any of the foregoing suggestions, frankly I'd leave the father because otherwise he will escalate and your shared lives will turn into a living he'll.

The lad needs professional help and yiu need help and support to facilitate it.

Nope - you need to call the police for domestic assault. You dont need your husbands permission.

Natural consequences, no allowances.

Although I suppose - does he have dual citizenship? As if not it might stop him entering UK?

If aggressive behaviour continues kick him out. It wouldn't be unreasonable that he is asked to leave already, I wouldn't judge you for that decision.

I had a DB with a lot of issues with weed, attitude, he punched me in the face once.

It sounds like he is neurodivergent, also he may have an undiagnosed mental health disorder that the weed is masking (my DB actually went on to develop psychosis and schizophrenia). He needs referral to a drugs team. You also need a zero drugs policy under your roof.

If any consolation he is not remotely violent now (but does have a bit of a feral side if he doesn't like how he is spoken to).