Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

It happened BECAUSE he was away. He cannot leave you with his son alone again, for the forseeable future.

He's hit you. That's completely unacceptable, and it is an emergency situation. Stop worrying about waking your husband up and get him on the phone and involved in this immediately.
I would urge you to ask a family friend who you trust (do you have a sister? Brother? Anyone of your similar age etc) to come and stay with you if possible - and I would also install some cameras or record any interactions you have with this boy going forward until his father gets home (and even after that). It's not safe for you to be around his kid at this point. If the boy's birth mother is available I would suggest the boy go stay with her for the time being, or another relative.

I am sorry this is happening - it's not acceptable at all. Frankly I would involve the police - at the very least to document that the assault happened - it doesn't necessarily mean that you are pressing charges, but it does at the very least mean that you will be able to get victim support services. In my experience they do reach out very quickly in situations like that.
You may also want to reach out to the local domestic violence support services in your area: they will hopefully be able to help you with advice, suggestions on action to take (or potentially available for you to take) and also help with suggestions on how to deal with the understandable shock/pain/anxiety/trauma that you are dealing with.

Again: stop worrying about bothering your husband! The kid hit you - and that is never acceptable, ever.

And to the various people saying no point in contacting police because not in immediate danger, that is wrong. The procedure for any assault is to call the police.

So you don't want to call the police because he's going through mental health issues?
If this is being blamed on mental health, then he's just proved he's not mentally stable enough to be out in society, and is a danger to others.

If he's old enough to throw hands, he's old enough to face the consequences.

Call the police and report it before it goes from getting slapped round the face to getting punched in the face.

Phone the police.
The purpose of calling the police tonight is to support you and deal with any immediate danger. He’s not going to get a criminal record; they’ll ask you if you want to press charges - you’ll probably say no and life will go on. Inform DH after you’ve called them.
Try to think of it this way - you’re also doing DS a favour - maybe this is the first time he’s hit someone? For his own sake and his future relationships, show him what the appropriate response to DV is. Zero tolerance.

Keep the doors locked and if he comes back I'd be telling him to sod off. Call the police if he tries to force entry. You are not safe with him. I'd phone DH NOW incase it does escalate later. Disgraceful behaviour and he needs to be held accountable, with a firm hand.

People, she's not going to call the police!
OP, what exactly is your dh going to DO to help you here? Wait for his ds to call him (yeah, like that's going to happen!) and give him a bollocking from 12,000 miles away? Whoopy do.
I think you need a little bit more than that.
So, here you are. Until it happens again.
(And I agree with the poster that it is exactly BECAUSE your dh is away that it happened. Do you think he would have hit you if his dad had been there?)

Personally, I would not call the police if this is the first time he has slapped you, because it will have massive ramifications for YOU and your marriage, not to try to protect the boy.

I would however make it clear that any further behaviour like this will result in a police report.

I am not saying that is definitively correct, just what I would do.

I would have instantaneously phoned my husband though, no hesitation at all.

You have seen what he is capable of so don’t be in a situation where you’re alone with him again- next time you may not be so lucky.

Keeping yourself safe is the priority so Police contact and a change of locks as soon as you’re able, keep the house locked and have someone with you if possible.

Forget the time- call your DH.

Totally agree that the slap happened because the husband was away.

It sounds very grim OP but don’t delude yourself; a slap is not a loss of temper, or an accident or a sorry I don’t know what happened. It’s deliberate and done to keep you in line. This boy needs to be out of the house for your safety.

@midwifemayhem "For those still saying I should’ve called the police, I get it, I really do, and I’m not saying I’ll never go there if things escalate again, but I’m not ready to involve them yet. It feels like a last resort and I’m trying to hold onto what little relationship we have left for DH’s sake."

If you don't report it you send the message that it's fine to assault you, - it'll happen again, guaranteed.

Life’s too short for you to put up with this. He’s not even your husbands biological son. Send him back to his mums and hopefully you’ve dodged a bullett. Can’t live like that!!

I am sorry this happened to you op. How dreadful!

Are the children your DH adopted biologically his ex wife’s birth children or did they adopt together as a couple?
I only ask because you mention mum does drugs which isn't typical for adopters. (Although no judgement, I can’t imagine how hard raising traumatised DC must be and how I’d end up) but I ask because if an adoption has broken down can to local authority find him a place to live? Somewhere staffed as opposed to a foster family? So he can be supported into independent living long term? You can’t be a victim of child to parent abuse.

I would be wary of not involving police. You could decline to press charges but he ought to know how serious it is, and I would be worried (like others) that it sends the message it’s ok for him to treat you like that. Especially as you have said he shows you no respect.

I wouldn’t want to, either, but kids need to understand the natural consequences of their actions. Imagine it was another woman he hit, or another 17 year old stranger that hit you.

This is one of those “change the locks” situations. He can stay with his sister until DH returns and then he can be told by someone he listens to and respects that his return to the house is conditional. That it is your home and that YOU have been allowing him to share it, and he hit you. If there is a modicum of disrespect again, police will be called, he will be gone.

You say that to DsS you’re invisible. You need hard boundaries and I’m sorry but you need to call the police as assault is crossing a big one. If you let this slide, he’s not going to get better, he’s going to continue this way. He has blown things up already.
He is 17 - old enough to know not to do this. Use this as a point of intervention to get him proper and decent help. You need to report this to the authorities and go from there.

You sound like a very loving and patient stepmom. I’m hoping nothing but the best to you and your family.

@midwifemayhem You say your DH is going to talk to your SS but that isn't enough, he has hit you once, your DH is away for 2 more weeks, it is sad that he can't go back to his mother's but he shouldn't come back to yours either. Weed has such an impact on teens, I'm not saying that as an excuse, I am saying his behaviour is unpredictable and even if he says he'll never do it again you can't trust that. He needs to find somewhere else to go.

She said her husband adopted DSS so he might no biologically be his father but legally he is and as such presumably has parental responsibility.

Sorry, but tough love needed here ...Police. You are at risk. He's out until he can behave. Being all forgiving will cause him to despise you even more. Short sharp shock needed.

Your relationship contract with DH doesn't include assault by his stepson. Report to the police.

"I’m trying to hold onto what little relationship we have left for DH’s sake"

This is absolutely not your issue to fix. DH can tell him he no longer is welcome at the house.

What if it's a knife next time?

A slap can do just as much damage, if not more, as a punch. It isn't a lesser punch. I was viciously slapped across the face by my violent ex-husband (fortunately a long time ago and I haven't seen him in years - though the damage he causes impacts me every day) and the impact made my head/neck turn so suddenly and quickly that it not only caused a traumatic brain injury but also caused neck injuries that were and are so bad that I am now disabled because of them and cannot use one of my arms properly due to the damage that was done (as well as being in constant pain - I've had and need spine surgeries and other procedures). A slap did that. It knocked me out and put me on the floor. So there is nothing lesser or less harmful about a slap compared to a punch.

Also, more generally: it is important to note that an assault is the threat of imminent harmful or offensive contact, while battery is the actual physical contact or application of force. A person can be convicted of assaulting someone even if they didn't even touch the other person - it is the threat of harm that is the offence. Whereas battery is the crime that happens when there is physical contact. So, in this case OP has suffered - and DSS has allegedly committed - both assault AND battery. And because she's reasonably scared of being harmed if the DSS returns to the house she may have multiple assault claims if he actually shows up at the house and she feels threatened again. Every time OP is threatened or feels threatened with imminent harm that is an assault. The fact she has actually been hit means she's also a victim of battery. Two separate but related offences. The fact that OP has already been the victim of two separate criminal offenses should underscore the severity of this situation for anyone who is trying to minimise the issue, or claim that police shouldn't be involved or won't do anything etc etc etc. Sadly domestic violence victims often have to deal with that kind of response from people: they are treated as if the assault and battery they suffered is somehow less severe or less important or less credible then if a stranger threatened and hit them...when in reality for most of us it is even worse if someone we live with does that to us because it destroys our sense of peace and security at home, and also impacts the victim's ability to rely on family/friends as a support structure. Domestic violence is awful.

Perfectly put @Caligirl80

I'm so sorry you went through that.