Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

Except that she mentioned that he might get a key from his sibling.

I think to be safe the locks should be changed and to send him a clear message. He could have a spare or get his hands on one to copy. Teens are unpredictable and irrational and he will be angry and want his stuff. He lost the right to free access when he hit OP

OP is not responsible for this pseudo child.

Who gives a fuck what he has been subjected to.

The OP should NOT be subjected to physical assault in her own home by a piece of shit person like that "child".

She owes that cunt NOTHING except a boot up the ass and kicked out to the kerb. You can adopt him if you feel so strongly and woke about him.

Whilst I understand that you don't want to call the police - you really should. Even if they do nothing other than interview him, it tells him that you are not prepared to put up with his behaviour. He could be thinking right now that he's got away with it.
What happens next time when you say something he doesn't like when you're home alone with him?
I'd be having the locks changed, and telling DH that DSS will not be living in your house again. If he doesn't support you with this then unfortunately I'd be reconsidering my marriage. Someone up thread said you will never feel safe in your home again if DSS is there and DH is at work, I think this is very true

And he will do this sgain to you and others because there are no consequences.

For goodness sake pack his stuff up and leave it outside.

Do not allow him back in.
At 17 he is old enough to know about consequences.

That lad would not step foot in my house again, Ever. Absolutely disgusting behaviour. And it's not only the slap is it? He generally treats you like shit in your own home. No respect whatsoever. Fuck that .

You poor thing, I'm glad your DH has responded appropriately. I wouldn't want or allow him back, but I know it's not as simple as that.

Agree with you.

Cannot stand this “have we all stopped to consider that the real victim in this is your poor little DSS who’s probably experienced a hard childhood, has had to endure his Daddy going to Australia for a whole month and is no doubt struggling with his own sexuality? That slap was communication, OP, he’s telling you he needs your help. Please remember that his brain is still developing and won’t be formed until age 25. Has he ever shown traits of autism or ADHD?”

Get it so, so far to fuck. Little runt should’ve been in a cell last night.

Think carefully about what you want. You could call social services and ask if they can help. Perhaps they could find a foster family for him. Would you let him back in under any circumstances or are you totally done? Can he live with his sister, is she older and willing to tolerate him?

He has presumably sat his GSCEs now. What was the plan going to be moving forward?

Dh needs to come home.

DSS can't stay with youy any longer and DH is right to be furious, but ultimately, he needs to prioritise his son IMO.

I don't think doing the "right" thing is at all clear cut here.

I haven't read the full thread, but to me a 17 year old lad is NEARLY A GROWN MAN.
HE HAD NO RIGHT TO SLAP YOU.
Do NOT let this little slappy shit back into your house.

I would be tempted to lash his stuff into a bin bag, and get someonto you trust to drop it off onto his mums doorstep. That way he had no excuse to try and call into yours for his stuff.

You sound like you're trying to minimise it, make excuses for him "he's just a kid, he's immature". Big mistake. He assaulted you and clearly has no respect for you. You should be phoning the Police he needs to face up to the consequences of his actions.

Your SS slapped you across the face, is a clear message that if you try to enforce any rules to him in your own home, that it will escalate next time. He will continue to do as he wants, when he wants as he knows your DH won’t kick him out. You are the target, the punch bag for your SS to punish when his dad disappoints and displeases him, you are in danger!

DH says he’ll try and talk some sense into him

I think this reaction would hurt me more than being assaulted in my own home. "Try" is not good enough really and your DH should never have left you in charge of his erratic DS while he was gone for a full month.

I know you don't want to contact the police OP but you really need to. Firstly, as this is not acceptable behaviour and you should never be fearful in your own home. Secondly, what happens when DSS tries slapping around someone who isn't a family member? For the safety of other people you need to report this.

Agree.
Your DH trying to talk sense into him has been a failure. It’s not going to work now. Rethink your relationship because your dh is minimising the violence you have experienced and daily as well as trashing the place is also a form of violence against you. Get legal advice as well.

I think this reaction would hurt me more than being assaulted in my own home. "Try" is not good enough really

Yes, that was my point too. The husband really didn't even seem all that bothered, let alone 'devastated'. His reaction was pissweak, insulting to the OP even, and he'll be like a limp lettuce when he talks to the boy.

Report to police and request they escort him to his mum's.
Then call DH and explain what's happened.

I agree "talking" isn't going to fix this. It's going to take a big investment in time and money, and even then it might not work.

DH needs to make sure OP is safe, which means living apart from DSS, but DH also needs to almost treat DS as a project. That needs to be his priority IMO, he probably needs to go with DS.

Her husband hasn't responded 'appropriately' at all. He's done nothing except said he'll 'try' to talk to him. No wonder the teenage thug is the way he is with no parent enforcing any boundaries.

I think some of the drugs they take can encourage violence, and I’m not even talking about class A ones. I can’t remember which, but some people might know more.

What is the plan going forward?

You have another 2 weeks until your DH returns - surely you are not going to allow him back whilst you are alone? This is not safe?

You describe dreadful behaviour pre the assault - you talk about 'boundaries' - but they are just words/hot air unless they are accomapnied by deadlines and consequences. What deadlines and consequences has your DH and yourself implemented?

My own son pushed me over in rage once when he was 14. I was shocked but after 2 days I reported him to the police. I was not supported in this action by my DH or his parents - but it was the best thing for my son. He has not done anything since.

I watched my own mother regularly beaten to a pulp by my 17 year old brother - black eyes, trashed house etc.

This will only escalate. I would expect DH to fly back as this is a 'family emergency' - is he planning to?

Keep him locked out. He can go live somewhere else, for now at least. He has a mum, and he has friends. No way would I have him back in my house.

Calling the police and getting the assault on record does not mean that you need to press charges. The police are there to help and support you (AND your stepson) not to make things harder for you.

Well, he's slapped you and there's no Police, no consequences, so the next time you tell him to do something, he has the green light to slap you again. So you're either going to get slapped regularly, or you'll learn to stay quiet in your own home. Neither of those options would butter my parsnips, quite frankly.

It doesn't really make a practical difference right now why your stepson did it. Whatever the reason he is on a pathway and it's not a good pathway for you or for him. You do need to call the police, for both your sakes.

And his father needs to cite a family emergency and return home to deal with this. His young adult child assaulting his wife is anyone's definition of a family emergency.

It's your husband's responsibility to make sure you are safe going forward and find some strategy to help his son as much as possible though there may be limits to how much anyone can do for him now. Your husband can't do any of that from thousands of miles away.