Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

Please do not be alone with him again. He hit you because he could, because there was no other man there.

It was a shit show waiting to happen that your SS was bringing in strange men into your house without permission. That’s unsafe in itself.

If allowed He will probably give you a grudging apology but matters will deteriorate again.

He may well have mental health issues but that’s no excuse.

Ive had experience of this. At first you try to rationalise after a few days. It wasn’t that bad, he was angry, he is sorry, he will change.,

Doesn’t work once he hit You he crossed a line. The man I know is no longer allowed in my area but I still live in fear.

He can’t stay. If you won’t call the police you do need to change the locks for your safety.

He does need interventions, that's abundantly clear. Simply saying "he needs a life lesson" or whatever doesn't actually address the root causes. He is the way he is precisely because he's had far too many life lessons at such an early point in his life. But it's not within op's gift to attempt to untangle and resolve all the problems. Responsibility for that while he's not yet an adult lies with the only responsible adult who the boy will listen to/ engage with - his father (step/ adopted).

People cannot just leave their jobs FGS!

> I don’t feel safe

Call the police
Most local police stations have a domestic abuse officer
Hopefully it will shock the boy into better behaviour

@midwifemayhem

At the very least, get the locks changed so you can feel secure in your home until your DH comes back.

It will also give you breathing space to process what happens next.

He should not come back and live with you. Not once violence has been done. On a subconscious level you will never feel safe and that isn't fair on you. I would be making this very clear to your husband so there isn't any assumption there is a way back into the house. Be very clear from the outset.

You are being incredibly stupid not to call the police after being assaulted in your own home. Your DSS's behaviour is clearly escalating and unless he is taken to task it is likely to continue to do so. Your DH may be furious but let us be honest here, most parents would not go abroad for weeks on end leaving someone else to care for the teenager.

If you don’t contact the police he will repeat this behaviour. What are you going to do if he appears today and refuses to leave? Are you going to feel brave enough to tell him to leave or will he just hit you again?

id be changing the locks for sure. You must feel safe in your own home and yes id no longer be allowing him to live there, will his mum have him back?

He might need an intervention, but that is somewhat irrelevant if he doesnt want it, wont engage with it, wont consent to referrals. Even if he has a SW they wont refer him for anything if he wont consent to it, its pointless

What does need to happen are some very clear 'life lessons' which are calling the police, changing the locks, making clear he is not to return to OP. They are the actions right now, not fluffy talk of 'lets help him'

Only correct answer!

I’m wondering if he’s struggling with trauma and abandonment which the weed won’t be helping with. Chuck in dealing with sexuality on top and it’s a lot. It’s all very well posters who haven’t been in the situation of dealing with mentally unwell children lecturing but the reality is it’s not that simple. Mentally ill teens( girls and boys) do things that aren’t ok.

Op I’d step away whilst the husband is away. I wouldn’t call the police but I would maybe text step son saying you care and are not completely abandoning him but the slap was unacceptable and he is not allowed back until your husband returns and then together you will plan a way forward with him. Has he got professional support and treatment? If not look into contacting GP and services for a referral. Sadly you often don’t get much until crisis is involved. Do you have the resources for private support?

This 17year scum is nothing to you. Let his drugged up mother and your dh deal with him. Draw your boundary. Locks changed, his stuff on the street, police informed. Don’t speak to him again - you have no responsibility for him. He has been dumped on you and he has violently assaulted you. Get him out right away.

You get off Facebook and immediately phone the police and file assault charges.

Then you phone your husband and tell him his son assaulted you and ran out of the house and that you need to call the police for a welfare check as you’re worried about him.

Then you keep the door locked and you go to sleep.

Tomorrow morning you can pack his stuff up and contact CPS because this person is of no biological relationship to you and the only connection is he is the adopted son of your husband who is out of the country and given that he has assaulted you you refuse to have him in your home.

Who cares what he’s dealing with?

This almost adult just assaulted the OP in her own home.

I agree with this so much. He’s not a relative. He’s not even her husband’s biological son. He’s a parasite who assaulted the OP in her own home.

You’re so right - he has been dumped on her. His own biological mother doesn’t want him. His adopted father has taken off to Australia and the OP has been forced to cohabit with him and he has treated her and her home terribly.

He’s now assaulted her! He is social services problem now.

Your DH says "he'll try and talk some sense into him"

I'm sorry but that's not enough.

I think you should report to police, change the locks and be done with this shit.

It’s not the OP’s responsibility to organise an intervention. He’s almost an adult. He’s social services problem until he ages out.

He won't engage with op, but he may well do with op's dh if what she's said is anything to go by. Op won't call the police, so people are rightly giving her options she can work with instead. Calling the police doesn't appear to work for her.

If you won’t call the police, at the very least change the locks OP. Sure they can maintain their relationship but DO NOT have this young man in your home ever again without DP present. He therefore needs to move out as it’s not feasible for your DP to be there 24/7. Don’t be a statistic we read about when he’s seriously assaulted you or worse one day.

Can you get social services involved OP?

Its not fair on you to live with an angry man,

Yes at 17, he is nearly a man and you admit he has always been misognist.

Im not talking about engaging with the OP Im talking about engaging with services. He has to consent to that, even the dad cant make a referral for his son without the son's involvement and engagement

And so what if he does consent, waiting lists will be months long and you dont get 'fixed' by these things, even in the longer term.

The actions for now are call the police, change the locks, ensure that he doesnt return. You dont need to wring hands and mither on about 'root causes' to take safety actions.

People aren't reading what the OP has said.

She doesn't need to change the locks as he hasn't taken keys with him.

She has spoken to her husband

Aren't you charming. He's a child and I have suggested robust action, possibly at the expense of the op's relationship. The child has been subjected to all sorts of abuses throughout his life. I am not excusing his conduct, rather suggesting interventions to turn him round, and his life round, whilst keeping others safe.

He has a lot of emotional damage from the relationship with his own DM and is taking that out on you. This is completely unacceptable and is not your problem to solve.

You need to change the locks.

Your DH first steps need to be to tell him he is very lucky the police have not been called and that he cannot return to thr house. Then he needs to explain to work he needs to get on a flight home.

I know what you're talking about. First step is still to see whether or not he will engage, via op's dh. We don't know yet, because it doesn't seem like that route has yet been explored.