Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

[midwifemayhem]

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

I would talk to the police for advice and then decide what to do from there. At 17 the consequences won’t be as bad as when he is 18 and considered an adult. Tough love.

He doesn’t come back to your house. He can find somewhere else to live. Get your dh to message his son to collect his stuff from outside the house today. Inform the police in case of trouble. Tell your stepson that police have been informed in case he kicks off. Change the locks. Get a camera. End of.

Police, you have been attacked in your home.

Op, the police will ask you what you want to do.

They are so unlikely to press any charges because he will have a clean record.

They might speak to him for his side of it, have a word. They would probably ask you if you want to caution or not so you can then say no.

Trust me it puts the fear on them and that is not a bad thing when it comes to violence.

How would they treat someone who was vulnerable if they have such contempt for you? Would they take advantage?

Obviously it's your choice. I just wouldn't hesitate knowing what I know now about mental health. It will impact your anxiety levels.

He slapped you because your DH wasn’t there. Do not have him back. Wait until DH is home then he needs the riot act, he needs to apologise to you and he needs telling that being at your house is a privilege not a right and he needs to work towards keeping it.

Everything needs to change OP but he does not come back until your DH is home.

And for the record I would have called the police, this is DV and he needs the shit scared out of him.

What utter woke fucking nonsense.

He slapped someone.

He needs to suffer the fucking consequences for his actions - not molly coddled for it.

Its attitudes like yours which has made society totally fucked up and unaccountable for anything these days.

"Oh he's under 18, he has some illness, he has this/that/the other."

Fuck off.

Always some shitty excuse.

That kid needs a proper life lesson - and if he is using his hands, I am sure he will come up against someone who will give him the same response back.

It’s irrelevant whether he’s her husbands biological son or not. Do you think he should mean less to her husband because he’s adopted?

I don’t think Op should have to live with this young violent misogynist, but his being an adoptive child has nothing to do with that. Adopted kids aren’t second class citizens.

Similar experience- call the police
I know you are worried about how it will affect your relationship with your husband. Bottom line - the moment your husband left you alone with a drug addicted male who disrespects you to go to Australia he was already showing you EXACTLY what your relationship meant to him.
Sorry- but it’s already been affected and not by your

if you choose not to call the police (and I understand the reluctance - I’ve had a 17 year old DS) the only option is your DH comes home now.

i know that isn’t an easy undertaking but this is make or break: in two weeks things could be completely different so he needs to come back and take control of the situation.

Why? I said I realised that op had got hold of him now. I meant wake up to how bad things are, and wake DH up too. It was very worrying that op was feeling she could not ring DH until he woke up , after being assaulted.

Oh and ignore all who say wait until DH back before you have him back.
YOU ARE NOW HIS PUNCH BAG.
He has raised his hands to a woman. He will do this on repeat.
And from now on you will ALWAYS be frightened- and if you stay with your husband you will be until Death do you part

DH says he’ll try and talk some sense into him but he’s devastated this has happened while he’s away.

Hopefully I’m wrong but this sounds a bit weak given the context “Talk some sense into him”. It sounds like something you’d say if someone was playing up slightly or being a bit unreasonable .

This is an older teen male, almost an adult - who has been violent to an older (than him) woman in her own home. It is extremely serious and calls for more than a pep talk to “talk some sense into him”

This boy needs to be told his behaviour is disgusting, and illegal and he is to leave the house and stay with his sisters or whoever - until at least your husband returns from Australia if not forever.

Given his age and his overall conduct personally I wouldn’t want him back in my home at all. This isn’t just a one off incident, he has a pattern of showing disrespectful and risky behaviour in your home. Bringing random men is a major threat to you and your husband. And he himself is a threat to Op.

But for now at least he needs to be told the police will be called if he goes anywhere near OP.

I am not sure if either you or your husband are treating this act of violence with the gravity it deserves.

You might still be in shock @midwifemayhem but your husband should be more clearheaded and needs to have a more robust approach, especially as it’s his child and he’s created the situation.

He can't live in your home any more, that's the crux of it. Whether your DH finds somewhere for him or you move out, this is about your safety now.

i think that your stepsons background and history, he could probably get some sort of supported housing for young people which would be more appropriate than a foster carer i think.
He cant stay with you anymore clearly

Put your safety first, OP. Absolutely don't allow him back into the house. Change the locks. Let your DH sort out something for him when he gets back.

He likely is a traumatised young man but that does not in any way excuse him hitting you. Even if he was your son this would be shocking behaviour and inexcusable. DH needs to tell him is is absolutely not allowed back to the house in the interim between him coming back from Oz. Do you have anyone you can stay with for a few days? Not to run away from your own home but for genuine support during this horrible time? X

Visit police.
Organise for locks to be changed.
While waiting for locksmith to arrive, call DH.

Phone the Police because you were assaulted.

He was really upset about DH going to Australia. Didn’t say it much but you could tell. But it was a work trip and DH honestly tried to get out of it but couldn’t. He told DSS it would only be a month and they could do stuff together when he’s back, watch the football, drive down to the coast, that kind of thing. DSS seemed ok with it at the time

The boy is 17yo. What you have written about a child being upset about a parents work trip and having to ‘make up for it’ when they are back would only be usual for someone 10yo and under typically. Also, so what if he was nit okay with it, then DH wouldn’t go? He’s 17yo, he’s either okay with it or it’s a shoulder shrug honestly.

And if this is swept under the carpet and minimised (the longer you leave taking action, the more likely this is), yes, it will happen again.
And even if he doesn’t actually hit you again, think of the atmosphere and how you will be acting in your own home. He will continue to act up and disrespect your home and the boundaries you set and you won’t feel able to assert them in case he is violent again. So you will just be sucking up the casual visitors, the mess, the rudeness. In your own home.
And there will be very little you can do about it.

Cant believe some of these posts

For all those talking about 'he needs an intervention, OP needs to get him help' - you do realise that the young person concerned needs to want to engage and that you need their consent for a referral to be made dont you? Does he sound like he wants to engage with that?

Another poster saying OP MUST have a zero tolerance rule for drugs in the house, - this is what she already has and she gets an assault for trying to enforce it

And the posters trying to make out he has ND, he sounds like he has nothing of the sort and even if he is, so what?

OP doesnt have PR either, she isnt able to enforce anything legally, PR is held by his mother and father.

Your dh needs to take control, despite the current distance. Apart from getting angry and calling him, what is he actually going to do about it? Dh could speak to son's sister (assuming their relationship is ok and he's not likely to hit her!) and ask if he can stay with her for the remaining two weeks. When dh returns, he needs to take charge, set ground rules and expectations. State that if boundaries are crossed (no matter on whose 'watch') then consequences follow. If he's aggressive again, police will be called. A condition of him staying at the house is that he must engage with any interventions you deem necessary - counselling or whatever. And abide by the rules you set down.

I have no doubt that he's broken. Whether he can be rehabilitated or not, I don't know. His attitude towards women will have been hugely shaped by his relationship with his own mother, the violence he witnessed etc. That all needs addressing and rectifying by professionals, but your dh needs to be prepared for it failing. He may simply be too old, and have witnessed too much, have learned too many ingrained habits, to be helped. I hope he can be, for all your sakes.

You should also make it clear to your dh that if he doesn't take charge, you will not continue to put yourself in danger. Not your circus, not your monkeys. That sounds harsh, but your dh needs to understand it and believe it to ensure he supports his son. This needs addressing, or you walk. Do you think your dh will do this?

Immediate steps -
He doesn't have his keys so you don't need to worry about him getting access.
If he is at dh's sisters make sure she knows he has been violent towards a woman so she can decide what she wants to do about that.
He is informed he does not get access to your home again until dh is back.

Next steps -
You are not overreacting and need to protect yourself. Tell dh he can no longer live with you as you are terrified. He is obviously a troubled young man, but a dangerous line has been crossed and the future risk to you, and other women if not handled well, is high. It cannot be brushed under the carpet. Your dh can support him going to social services or the relevant service and working out what happens now. Depending on how this progresses, if he engages in getting help and his behaviour changes, perhaps he can be invited to visit your home, when dh is present, in the future.

My DD’s friend has experience of this in their household. Time is running out for that 17 year old to get whatever support he needs. You need to call the police and change the locks and your DH needs to get his fucking arse back to the UK. If he genuinely “can’t”, does he have a brother or a close male cousin or friend that you also trust who can make his presence felt in the house (preferably with their own wife/gf to avoid any bullshit)

You say that you think calling the police will blow things up. But it may have the opposite effect. Our family called the police on a family member who turned violent. He'd had a very rough time - no one's fault, and he wasn't coping, nor were the people in his life who should have been supporting him - not their fault either - just tragic circumstances. But when he turned violent the police were called. he was furious, disgusted, shocked, felt betrayed etc but everyone stood firm and said, No, you are not allowed to hit people.

He has now turned his life right around.