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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Went down husband’s phone

666 replies

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:38

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

  • My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
  • His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
  • Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: Are you going to try it on?
  • Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
  • My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Huhuhuhu39272 · 07/07/2025 19:55

TravelPanic · 07/07/2025 16:48

Cannot believe these responses so far!! He’s a creep and either has cheated or would happily cheat. Why on earth do you want to stay with him after seeing these?!

Right? These men out here acting like that and people asking why she went through the creeps phone. Never seen such low standards as I have on mumsnet

Piper194 · 07/07/2025 19:55

I posted something similar a few months ago and had horrendous replies saying I was a bad person for going through my husbands phone.
I can see you’ve had similar replies about being ‘worse’ than him- which is just absurd.
I wanted to send you some solidarity. It’s not nice seeing those things written down, it’s like finding out about another version of someone you love that you thought you knew.
I don’t know what the answer is I’m sorry, i spent a lonely few months trying to figure out what I wanted from our relationship/ life before I forgave him in January this year.
I hope you are ok x

thepariscrimefiles · 07/07/2025 19:56

SoMuchBadAdvice · 07/07/2025 19:02

However, he hasn't cheated, and specifically stated that he wouldn't, whereas you have (and are) behaving dishonestly. So when you weigh up your actions against his actions, he ends up on the moral high ground.

I think that you both need to divorce, but I don't think that you can use this as a justification, whilst he can.

Show quote history

He only said he wouldn't cheat because he is that woman's manager and he could get into trouble at work, not because he is committed to his marriage to OP.

Your values are fucked up.

ranthanbore · 07/07/2025 19:56

Jesus some of the comments in here! I am sorry you’ve had this OP. I would not continue a marriage with a man after finding these messages. He is revolting. ‘Banter’ isn’t an excuse to be a pig and disrespect your wife.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 07/07/2025 19:59

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 17:25

OK, genuinely interested…So you think snooping is worse than cheating?

Show quote history

No cheating is definitely worse, but you are definitely snooping and he doesn't sound like he is cheating .
No excuse , but it sounds like pathetic male banter . He probably felt it wasn't " cool " to say I would never cheat on my wife and made the work comment .
Try to talk to him about why he us quieter. If you don't trust him and you can't communicate with each your relationship sounds doomed .

SoMuchBadAdvice · 07/07/2025 20:05

thepariscrimefiles · 07/07/2025 19:56

He only said he wouldn't cheat because he is that woman's manager and he could get into trouble at work, not because he is committed to his marriage to OP.

Your values are fucked up.

Show quote history

People say lots of things, but it's what they do that speaks the truth.

But I do agree that these are 2 people who shouldn't be married any more.

suerte1998 · 07/07/2025 20:06

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/07/2025 16:46

I think as soon as you start snooping it’s over really, there’s no trust (on either side once he finds out), you’ll torture yourself based on what you’ve found and then resentment creeps in.

Not if you don’t find anything grim though (as you shouldn’t if he’s a decent man who is genuinely into you.

2025ismybestyear · 07/07/2025 20:06

AgnesX · 07/07/2025 17:18

Don't know about that but if he finds out he'll definitely be cold towards you.

Snooping on phones is like eavesdropping. You might not like what you hear and in this instance what you read.

What else has he done in the past, there must be a good reason?

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That like giving in to bullies.

so what if he's cold t9 her? At best he's leaving over a young woman. At worst he'd fuck her if he wasn't senior to her.

#previouslymarriedtoanemotionalintelligencelackingman. Happily divorced from the twat.

PissOffJohn · 07/07/2025 20:08

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 07/07/2025 19:59

No cheating is definitely worse, but you are definitely snooping and he doesn't sound like he is cheating .
No excuse , but it sounds like pathetic male banter . He probably felt it wasn't " cool " to say I would never cheat on my wife and made the work comment .
Try to talk to him about why he us quieter. If you don't trust him and you can't communicate with each your relationship sounds doomed .

Show quote history

If he ain't strong enough with other males to state his care for his partner then he ain't no male.

He's a sheep who would be easily led by any idiot.

Why would any woman in her right mind find that attractive in the opposite sex.

Ah Poor little man child who needs women to understand that he's a creep and unable to stand up to bullying laddish friends who find the banter of cheating attractive.

It's just childish and has no place in a grown up world.
Men are not children, stop treating them as such.

Missj25 · 07/07/2025 20:08

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:38

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

  • My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
  • His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
  • Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: Are you going to try it on?
  • Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
  • My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

I’d be annoyed that he made out only reason he wouldn’t try it on is cause of work responsibilities & not cause he’s married ! , that said though, when men are talking to each other , especially work colleagues, ( banter ) they talk shit ..
He’s not likely to reply with ‘ oh , I’d never try it on , I love my wife ‘ , so has to send a teenage reply to look cool 🙄

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 07/07/2025 20:11

PissOffJohn · 07/07/2025 20:08

If he ain't strong enough with other males to state his care for his partner then he ain't no male.

He's a sheep who would be easily led by any idiot.

Why would any woman in her right mind find that attractive in the opposite sex.

Ah Poor little man child who needs women to understand that he's a creep and unable to stand up to bullying laddish friends who find the banter of cheating attractive.

It's just childish and has no place in a grown up world.
Men are not children, stop treating them as such.

Show quote history

I completely agree , as I said its pathetic. But the OP asking about snooping V cheating . Doesn't sound like her DH has cheating , he's just a twat.

PissOffJohn · 07/07/2025 20:11

SoMuchBadAdvice · 07/07/2025 20:05

People say lots of things, but it's what they do that speaks the truth.

But I do agree that these are 2 people who shouldn't be married any more.

Show quote history

No, he shouldn't be married to anyone with his values.

Op has a better chance of being in a mutually respectful relationship.

She deserves better than him.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/07/2025 20:13

I think you’re married to Jay from the in betweeners.

TinyPastry · 07/07/2025 20:16

Oodlesof · 07/07/2025 16:51

You've done more wrong than him.

Did you think he will forgive you?

Wtf 😂

suerte1998 · 07/07/2025 20:16

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 07/07/2025 19:59

No cheating is definitely worse, but you are definitely snooping and he doesn't sound like he is cheating .
No excuse , but it sounds like pathetic male banter . He probably felt it wasn't " cool " to say I would never cheat on my wife and made the work comment .
Try to talk to him about why he us quieter. If you don't trust him and you can't communicate with each your relationship sounds doomed .

Show quote history

It’s a bit pathetic if a grown man thinks that it’s ´not cool’ to say he wants to be faithful to his wife. And what is this man doing sending a photo of a 22 year old (or any aged) colleague to a friend anyway? It’s not acceptable behaviour from a husband…. I really am glad I’m single the more of these OPs I read on here 😅

Huhuhuhu39272 · 07/07/2025 20:17

Also, kinda sounds like he has already cheated and has form for it amongst his colleagues

Please get some self respect

Oodlesof · 07/07/2025 20:18

EmmaThompsonsTears · 07/07/2025 19:43

This is absolute bollocks. Leering at a woman you’re supposed to have a professional working relationship with, when you’re married, vs checking a phone. Ridiculous.

Show quote history

She wasn't checking a phone though.
She was invading his privacy, she was spying.

Curious morals you have.

TomPinch · 07/07/2025 20:18

You can't unknow what you now know. You'll have to confront him.

The question I would be asking is why his friend thought your H might try it on.

Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 20:19

Oodlesof · 07/07/2025 20:18

She wasn't checking a phone though.
She was invading his privacy, she was spying.

Curious morals you have.

Show quote history

Spying?

OP posts:
suerte1998 · 07/07/2025 20:19

Piper194 · 07/07/2025 19:55

I posted something similar a few months ago and had horrendous replies saying I was a bad person for going through my husbands phone.
I can see you’ve had similar replies about being ‘worse’ than him- which is just absurd.
I wanted to send you some solidarity. It’s not nice seeing those things written down, it’s like finding out about another version of someone you love that you thought you knew.
I don’t know what the answer is I’m sorry, i spent a lonely few months trying to figure out what I wanted from our relationship/ life before I forgave him in January this year.
I hope you are ok x

She is not ‘worse’ than him - he shouldn’t have been sending photos and discussing female colleagues’ appearances with a friend in this way. Women snoop because men behave like this all too often. Social media and iPhones etc are not good for relationships.

Huhuhuhu39272 · 07/07/2025 20:20

TomPinch · 07/07/2025 20:18

You can't unknow what you now know. You'll have to confront him.

The question I would be asking is why his friend thought your H might try it on.

Exactly! Colleague seems to know how he is

FigTreeInEurope · 07/07/2025 20:20

I've got loads of mates, from different walks of life, and non of them talk about women like that. It's really immature for a thirty year old.

I also leave my phone lying around without a thought, we have messages from other kids parents, and family on both phones, I don't think access to phones in a marriage is snooping, at all.

There's something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.

Piper194 · 07/07/2025 20:20

suerte1998 · 07/07/2025 20:19

She is not ‘worse’ than him - he shouldn’t have been sending photos and discussing female colleagues’ appearances with a friend in this way. Women snoop because men behave like this all too often. Social media and iPhones etc are not good for relationships.

Show quote history

I completely agree with you. I was quoting someone else.

SnoopyPajamas · 07/07/2025 20:24

I'd leave. I can't offer any advice on staying with a man like this.

For the record, I agree it's a violation of privacy to go through his phone, but I consider that cancelled out by what you found. And all the excuses for it being "grim male banter" are silly. If your husband has an alter ego who pervs on young female colleagues, and casually degrades women, you have the right to find that disgusting. That's all "male banter" is. A special alter ego that only comes out around other males. People may try to persuade you that's normal. But it's pretty reasonable to expect your husband to have just the one consistent personality, actually - and for that personality to be respectful of women. That's not asking for the moon.

But let's be honest, the marriage is dead anyway. He's casually discussing how he would cheat on you, but it would make things awkward at work. So he won't. But he wants to though. He wants to so badly. Dick emoji, dick emoji, dick emoji.

No commitment to you, no respect for your marriage, and happy to share those thoughts with others. Even if you can overcome the ick, how do you rebuild trust with a man like that? I don't see it. I'm sorry, OP. I think it's over and you're just not ready to face it.