Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

How grim to be the young woman who they are discussing. I hope I've never been the subject of 'banter'!

Oh right. You're one of those 'end justifies the means' type.

That's just a get out of jail free card to justify snooping.

Ignore this bullshit, OP.

you checked your DH’s phone because you know something is off. I’d love to know the stats, but I’d bet money on the fact that the VAST majority of women who check their H’s phone end up uncovering something. Not because all men are cheaters, but because something about their partner’s behaviour has seemed ‘off’ and made them suspicious.

women in happy relationships just don’t check phones.

you also know he’s hiding his true emotions from you. You’ve asked him how he feels and he won’t talk to you. Him not being honest with you is a form of abuse. It takes away your agency in the relationship.

to be honest, it sounds like he has checked out. But he hasn’t bothered to tell you yet. He’s probably waiting to find someone first.

Spying.

Ha, it's ok for the government or google to know Mr PulpKitchen is a pervert, passing on photos of a young woman, marking her for attractiveness and discussing how he would have definitely tried it on a couple of years ago before his job rendered him too responsible to take chances.

He's a creep and vomit inducing, an air head with nothing useful between his ears except the conversation of cock coming out of his middle aged face.

No.

I'd be even less happy if they secretly checked my phone.

This and why he thought sending a photo of a female colleague (with an aubergine emoji!) was an appropriate thing to do!

I didn't say it was irrelevant.
My post makes it clear; he has done wrong.

This conversation between your husband and is friend is GROSS. What kind of man takes a pic of a junior work colleague and sends it to his mate with a load of dick emojis, and discusses whether or not he’s planning to “go for it”???

Plus the “I would have a couple of years ago but I’m senior to her now so it wouldn’t go down well at work” is extremely concerning.

Sorry OP, this is not how decent men conduct their “banter”.

I think that you both need to divorce, but I don't think that you can use this as a justification, whilst he can.

Since when does anyone need "justification" for ending a relationship?

She doesn't trust her husband, who in addition is emotionally distant and keeps her at arm's length. That's plenty reason enough for ending a marriage. Why shouldn't OP look for a relationship with a fully functioning emotionally available adult who doesn't come with a side order of sexism, disrespectful behaviour and mysoginy?

You need to tell him you looked at his phone. That you did it cos you were worried, then you found something to be worried about.

You need an honest conversation. It will be difficult. You need to be a emotionally detached from it all so you can really focus on his micro responses that will tell you everything you need to know and give him the benefit of the doubt. IE If he gets angry first it's cos he's been found out versus he's upset you snooped (my first emotion if someone snooped would be upset not anger). So check out his first response.

Take it from there. He may have a reason he's been distant, maybe things are sh1t at work, but you won't know until you talk.

His chat with his mate is just that. No bloke is ever honest with another bloke there's too much face to be lost, so I would not read anything into what he's said to his mate - it's interesting she looks like you though.

Hope it all works out x

There’s coldness and there’s coldness. Deep down we know when the coldness means that they have lost interest. It is an awful feeling because when a man goes cold in this way there is often no going back.

Op, it sounds as though he has cheated on you in the past, trying it on with colleagues while away on business. His friend seems to know him well in this regard.

I am so sorry.

I didn't want to be the one that said that. But i've experienced it too. the coldness is just horrible. In my case, it meant they were still cheating. They literally didn't care about me anymore as they had somebody else.

He's still on the lookout for the perfect woman.

One that he will never find because he's just that type of man, the ick man, the creep, the man who who has never appreciated what he already has.

These men always think they deserve better.

They don't, they always deserve less but most of them learn the hard way.

Have you got children op, try not to allow his views on women to invade their thhoughts, he's too disrespectful and dim to bring kids up.

You are clearly the only one to be trusted to guide them towards decent morals.

What's like giving into bullies?

If she's willing to blow up a long standing relationship there's a pretty good reason over and above him saying he'd shag someone.

I think it's just man banter. He's allowed to find other people attractive. He's married not dead. He isn't going to act on it. He's just chatting shit.

There's low standards, and then there's this whole new level of low standards...

This is such a good point!!!!! Suggests he has previously done similar

You need to tell him. The only way that you could possibly move on from this is total honesty on your part and hopefully massive remorse on his. It could easily be banter but in all honesty the disrespect is unsurvivable to me without head on dealing.

looking at someone’s phone is often the only way people find stuff like this out. Yes it’s grim but so is being kept in the dark. Spying by the definition used here means that following your husband and finding him with another woman is so appalling that he should be forgiven for being with that other woman. And that’s madness.

Yes, that was what I was trying to say, TY.

All kinds of shit! Fears, fantasies, stupid questions.

But ignoring the mind reading and sticking with what's on my phone for a minute:

Conversations with my best friend who's going through a horrendous divorce.
My daughter coming out to me, but she's not ready to tell her Mum yet
Google searches around a health condition that I don't want to worry DP about until I've spoken to the doctor
A photo of a spot on my scrotum that I couldn't get a good look at (just deleted that one)
All my passwords
Authenticator passwords to work stuff that if accessed would include patient data
My searches for a specific care bear on eBay that if I can pull off, would make DP the happiest person on earth on her birthday
3 erotic short stories I wrote about 5 years ago
Some of my favourite photos of DP that she'd probably want me to delete (Nothing filthy, she just hates "in the moment" photos of herself)
The fact that I have 3 songs by Aqua on one of my Spotify playlists.

Would you like me to go on?

When I read posts like this it makes me appreciate my DHs phone & my phone are 100% open to each other at all times. Its nothing to do with lack of trust.We use each others phones as a back up if one accidentally runs out of charge etc. We would never describe reading each others messages or emails as snooping.

I think your comment about women who check phones is probably very accurate, but it does apply equally to men who check phones, it’s because something just doesn’t feel right and their partners behaviour has changed somehow.

Ridiculous statement.

Staying quiet because he'll be cold towards her for looking at his phone...whereas he's perving on a young woman.

The more posts I am reading the more I am changing my tune ..
I firstly said , I’d be annoyed , but it’s male banter, especially between work colleagues, but it’s true , the fact that he sent on photo of her to his colleague, & colleague asking was he going to try it on ! Why would colleague ask that if he thought his married work friend would never dream of doing something like that …
It’s not ok , & it does look like if opportunity arose , this guy has form for cheating …
We all look at other people, but to go as far as sending pics , it crosses a line , that’s a lot of interest…
With drinks in this guy & around attractive women, I certainly wouldn’t like to be his wife …

Your DH and his mate obviously feel comfortable about discussing cheating on you and finding it absolutely fine. That would be relationship ending for me. This is not male banter but a man creeping on his younger colleague, sending pictures without her permission and discussing fucking her as casually as getting a burger after work. This is the problem and the major red flag here. I would assume he had form for cheating on you based on the way that conversation unfolded. Conversations like this don't come out of nowhere. You don't have faithful married men all of a sudden 12 years into marriage suddenly sending pics of women they find fuckable out of nowhere and their mate responding the way he did. He has done it before. OP, I think you already know this.