Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

Didn't find anything?
Wow 😳 😯

Well tough he will have to.

These comments are crackers. He’s a minging creep. You did right snooping.

I would go for marriage counseling.
Snooping isn't healthy, neither is sending texts to his friend like that, neither is refusing to open up to your partner and keeping them at a distance.

If I had seen that message I would have been deeply hurt by his lack of respect for me and would also completely lose trust in him. He literally said, if it was a few years ago he would have tried to cheat on you. It wouldn't surprise me if his decision not to attempt cheating is for reasons relating to bruised ego, risk of rejection, and compromising his job (which he also literally said), than out of any loyalty to you. I couldn't trust this man personally.

Well didn’t find any messages between DH and another woman, no evidence of an actual affair.

OPs DH’s ‘chat’ between his colleague is dreadful but is it cheating? That’s in the eye of the beholder, IMO. This man might joke and behave like this normally out in the open. Deeply sexist and regressive, but we all know those ‘blokes’. Who knows if this is what OPs husband is like, has OP said?

A fair few of the critics will be men. The rest are just saddos hanging out on AIBU waiting to put the boot in. It's not reflective of anything but the dire state of MN AIBU.

I think if actually sounds like stupid banter and would take the “few years ago” as he considers himself too old for this person. He is also ending the conversation with his friend in a way by saying he can’t because of his position at work. There’s a bit of male bravado but at the same time he is shutting it down and probably knows she isn’t interested anyway!

The incels are out in force on this one OP. Best ignore the wee saddos. Your dh is a major creep. Not sure I would stick with someone like this. You've a lot of life ahead of you... you can do better than him. 💐

This is absolute bollocks. Leering at a woman you’re supposed to have a professional working relationship with, when you’re married, vs checking a phone. Ridiculous.

Screaming 😀😅😂

and of course their Richard or Kevin would never do such a thing! clutches pearls

@PulpKitchen YANBU, I'd be seriously upset about this too OP, for the following reasons:

• Your DH sent a photo of this colleague to his friend out of the blue - why? (They'd likely already been discussing her and that prompted your DH to send it.)
• He used the aubergine emoji about her twice so, presumably, fancies her.
• As you said, he didn't state his marriage vows and love/respect for you as the reason that would stop him "trying it on" - just that it would be inappropriate in a work context!

This could just be viewed as showing off between mates, but it's hurtful and disrespectful to you (by his friend, as well as him) - and this may well be your DH's explanation for it ("it was just bantz" 🙄 ). The problem you have OP is that this is in the past and there's no evidence on his phone that he's actually been unfaithful to you. Also, you say you don't want to split or do anything drastic, so what do you hope to achieve by telling him you've seen it? As others have said, you need to tell him you feel he's being rather cool towards you lately and ask him why.

It definitely sounds like male banter - it’s grim and I’d be appalled if my DH was so disrespectful, but not indicative that he has ever or will ever actually stray. Just that he’s young and douchey enough to think that it looks cool to talk like that with male colleagues/friends.

Instead of continuing to try and build effective communication, you snooped (completely remorselessly, it seems). And found out something you’d rather not have about your husband.

Honestly, I think the pair of you sound ill-suited to each other and need to grow up a bit.

Why don't you find an interest that involves being nice to people?

Young, @LaughingCat? He's 32. Too old to excuse that shit.

No I read it as the only reason he won’t try and sleep with her is that he might get in trouble with work. No care for a) his wife or b) whether the colleague actually finds him attractive 😂

Your husband is a boyish knobhead.

Even his idea of conversation is boring and futile.

Make steps to find a real man, they exist, there are too many of these wanker types with rediculously crap ideas of what being manly is.

Another clue would be the mortally offended males on here who wouldn't allow their partners anwhere near their holy phones, complete idiots that will never have lasting marriages.

The Divorce Starters.

Urgh, gross. I'd be off. I wouldn't tolerate this.

You're in a no win situation

He can't or won't express his feelings and then has a mini breakdown ....what a Prince 🙄

He fancies women at work and will bang them as long as they're not junior to him.....what a Prince 🙄

He is happy to express his negative feelings about YOU to friends....so he CAN talk about his feelings therefore he's a liar ....what a Prince 🙄

And you're worried about what to say to him because you have children together?

Think about this ^ 😬

He might not be cheating yet…

but he’s obviously talking to his friend about how much he fancies her and I’m guessing it’s been pretty explicit.

if he isn’t cheating, then he’s definitely thinking about it

it might just be banter and bravado but he’s hanging around with a guy who thinks it’s ok to talk about having sex with a colleague when you’re married. It makes this behaviour normalised

👏

As someone who has small children and recently caught my husband cheating by going through his phone (after months of coldness, distance, and me being unable to do anything right in his eyes - I was just desperate for answers because he wouldn’t talk) - I’d say invest in the relationship now. Save it while you still can.

im divorcing my husband because I can’t go back from what he’s done - but if we’d had marriage counselling before the affair started, we could well have saved our relationship and learned some big lessons before it was too late.

Was marriage counselling top of the priority list when our youngest was 9 months old? No. So it’s not really a valid “what if”. But if you guys can build something better for the kids based off this (gross) message exchange, before he crosses any worse lines, that can only be a good thing.

unless the whole thing has given you irreparable ick - in which case I’m right here with you, and mumsnet is full of incredible advice about getting your ducks in a row!

Don’t want to do anything drastic? Tf going on over here?

Loser POS would be dropped immediately

So the reason he’s not trying it on is because he’s more senior at work?! Not because he’s happily married and loves you?
That would be enough for me to end my marriage and I have young DC too

I don't think you can do anything useful with the messages, and to bring them up would make him more likely to hide stuff from you. Better to be on full alert from now on and have an exit strategy up your sleeve.