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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Went down husband’s phone

666 replies

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:38

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

  • My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
  • His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
  • Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: Are you going to try it on?
  • Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
  • My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ilikemymenlikeilikemycoffee · 07/07/2025 18:47

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:52

Male defence league out in force 🤣

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Wow! I’d be fuming if I were you! He sent someone a pic of her for what reason? Clearly thinks she’s attractive… sent aubergine emojis so is thinking sexually and then only won’t overstep the mark due to being more senior than her… not because he’s married! He’s a prick and I’d have to say I snooped as he’s made you not trust him and it seems with reason!!

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 18:47

BlueRin5eBrigade · 07/07/2025 18:44

He's not saying it to her. He's saying it in a private conversation to a friend outside of his working environment.

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Doesn't matter. It reveals he has no redeeming character as a decent husband or colleague.

BlueRin5eBrigade · 07/07/2025 18:55

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 18:47

Doesn't matter. It reveals he has no redeeming character as a decent husband or colleague.

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I wouldn't be bother by this at all. Alrhough, i wouldnt bother to check my H phone either. Obviously @PulpKitchen is bothered and realistically that's all that matters. She needs to tell him that she feels disrespected and that it's unacceptable.

Petitchat · 07/07/2025 18:55

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 18:37

Imagine you were an attractive young woman working with an older, senior employee who did that to you. Would you like it? Would you think it was ok and that he was a decent husband to his wife?

It's not 'man banter', it's sackable offense letcherous sexist disgusting creep chat.

Deserves to have it cut off. Fucking aubergine indeed.

Edited
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it's sackable offense letcherous sexist disgusting creep chat.

Don't hold back!!
But of course, you're right...

Sorry OP.

Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 18:56

For everyone that asked, yes we have small children together. Hence me trying to be smart about how I react to this.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 07/07/2025 18:56

3KidsPlusDdog · 07/07/2025 17:06

I feel so sorry for that 22 year old woman. What a violation - having her picture shared and spoken about like that by two dirty creeps.

And of course for you too, OP. The marriage would be over for me.

This!
He’s a crap human let alone husband. But sure it’s all just male banter apparently.
In regards to talking to him what’s it going to achieve? Will it change anything for either of you? Decide your boundaries

B1anche · 07/07/2025 18:57

BlueRin5eBrigade · 07/07/2025 18:33

I think it's just man banter. He's allowed to find other people attractive. He's married not dead. He isn't going to act on it. He's just chatting shit. .

Oh that is bullshit and you know it.

I'm assuming you're a man. How would you feel if a senior colleague of your wife/girlfriend was sending pics of her and sexual comments to his sleazy mates before a conference or whatever?

Or if before going away with a male colleague, you discover your wife has been messaging her friends about how attractive he is? I'm sure you wouldn't mind at all...🙄

B1anche · 07/07/2025 18:59

BlueRin5eBrigade · 07/07/2025 18:55

I wouldn't be bother by this at all. Alrhough, i wouldnt bother to check my H phone either. Obviously @PulpKitchen is bothered and realistically that's all that matters. She needs to tell him that she feels disrespected and that it's unacceptable.

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Wow...you set the bar really low when it comes to men don't you?

Petitchat · 07/07/2025 18:59

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 18:56

For everyone that asked, yes we have small children together. Hence me trying to be smart about how I react to this.

Yes, think carefully.

Sorry, you must be gutted. Have you a very close friend or family you can share with?

PaLilli60 · 07/07/2025 19:00

Screenshot the messages.

Divorce the idiot and tell him if he doesn't behave fairly and kindly you will be sending his banter to his HR department.

SoMuchBadAdvice · 07/07/2025 19:02

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 17:25

OK, genuinely interested…So you think snooping is worse than cheating?

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However, he hasn't cheated, and specifically stated that he wouldn't, whereas you have (and are) behaving dishonestly. So when you weigh up your actions against his actions, he ends up on the moral high ground.

I think that you both need to divorce, but I don't think that you can use this as a justification, whilst he can.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2025 19:03

MemorableTrenchcoat · 07/07/2025 16:49

I would be livid if my partner went “down” my phone without my knowledge. It’s a complete invasion of privacy.

Depends on whether you have anything to hide doesn’t it ?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 07/07/2025 19:04

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2025 19:03

Depends on whether you have anything to hide doesn’t it ?

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I don’t, and I still wouldn’t tolerate it.

BingoWingoForties · 07/07/2025 19:06

Why?

Petitchat · 07/07/2025 19:08

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 07/07/2025 18:42

I'm not saying that no woman should ever check their partner's phone. I'm saying that if you do so, you should be bloody sure you know what you're going to find, because by doing it there's a good chance you'll implode your relationship anyway.

I've never cheated. I never will. I expect my partner to trust me that I won't cheat on her, and that if for whatever reason she doesn't, then to talk to me about it. If she ever decides she can't trust me enough to do that, and that she needs to invade my privacy that badly, than as far as I'm concerned there's no saving the relationship anyway.

What's on my phone is mine. It'd be as much an invasion as if someone could read my mind.

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And what's wrong with your partner reading your mind?
What are you hiding in there?

BlueRin5eBrigade · 07/07/2025 19:08

B1anche · 07/07/2025 18:57

Oh that is bullshit and you know it.

I'm assuming you're a man. How would you feel if a senior colleague of your wife/girlfriend was sending pics of her and sexual comments to his sleazy mates before a conference or whatever?

Or if before going away with a male colleague, you discover your wife has been messaging her friends about how attractive he is? I'm sure you wouldn't mind at all...🙄

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No not a man. In 15 years I've never looked at my Hs phone. I couldn't give a fuck what he says to his guy friends. I know that I have most certainly commented on the attractiveness of other men to my girlfriends in thd last 15 years. I'm presuming the photo wasn't taken covertly and is in the public domain. If it was taken covertly that fucking creepy.

Mrsknowitall · 07/07/2025 19:12

Queenofkittens · 07/07/2025 17:53

Of course it's self explanatory but how what when why is that phrase ever used? Lol Is it something said up north or something?

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I’m from down south and I say it and so does everyone I know

BoredZelda · 07/07/2025 19:15

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 18:56

For everyone that asked, yes we have small children together. Hence me trying to be smart about how I react to this.

The smart thing to do is not to stay with a man who is emotionally deficient to the point you’re snooping in his phone to work out why he’s sulking like child.

Petitchat · 07/07/2025 19:16

SoMuchBadAdvice · 07/07/2025 19:02

However, he hasn't cheated, and specifically stated that he wouldn't, whereas you have (and are) behaving dishonestly. So when you weigh up your actions against his actions, he ends up on the moral high ground.

I think that you both need to divorce, but I don't think that you can use this as a justification, whilst he can.

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You certainly live up to your username, don't you?
Biscuit

OchreRaven · 07/07/2025 19:16

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 18:56

For everyone that asked, yes we have small children together. Hence me trying to be smart about how I react to this.

I really feel for you. What you have found isn’t conclusive proof he’s a cheat but is enough to show he has very little respect for you (and other women). Blowing up your family over this feels drastic. But at the same time continuing to invest in a relationship with someone who gives you no emotional intimacy and outright disrespects you is futile.

If I was you I would consult a solicitor (free 30 min appointment if you can) and work out what life would look like without him. Be prepared to leave if you come to the realisation he has no love or respect for you. Screenshot the messages so you have them as evidence. Sit him down and ask him if he has ever been unfaithful or disrespectful towards you behind your back. If he denies this tell him you have seen evidence which refutes this. Tell him you have spoken to a lawyer but you will give him one chance to come clean. If he doesn’t give you something then wait it out on the assumption you are leaving. A few days may jog his memory. If not you can send him the screenshots or just leave him anyway. He knows what he said. If he would rather lie to you and lose you than fess up then you are better off without him.

Queenofkittens · 07/07/2025 19:17

Mrsknowitall · 07/07/2025 19:12

I’m from down south and I say it and so does everyone I know

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Oh interesting! Thanks for the reply, I got called obtuse for asking and it was a genuine question! Although not helpful to OP (sorry op)

Doubledenim305 · 07/07/2025 19:25

MascaraGirl · 07/07/2025 18:45

With my first DH,I suddenly got the urge to check his phone, no I idea why.

Two mins later I had discovered his affair. When confronted, he made out I had committed a worse offence than him. There are no words.

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Just confirmed what an awful person he was and that there was no more agonizing if it was the right decision.

carmak · 07/07/2025 19:26

Queenofkittens · 07/07/2025 19:17

Oh interesting! Thanks for the reply, I got called obtuse for asking and it was a genuine question! Although not helpful to OP (sorry op)

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Normal phrase where I live, London.

AuntyHistamine · 07/07/2025 19:26

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 18:42

Obviously some idiots are perfectly fine with an emotionally cold, disrespectful husband, because that's what "mens are like". Foul.

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All said while name calling to attain the moral high ground. Way to go hun 😂

WarmMJ · 07/07/2025 19:28

Oodlesof · 07/07/2025 16:51

You've done more wrong than him.

Did you think he will forgive you?

What rubbish. OP felt worried and found that he is behaving like a disrespectful creep.