Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Went down husband’s phone

666 replies

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:38

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

  • My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
  • His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
  • Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: Are you going to try it on?
  • Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
  • My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Purplerain1985 · 08/07/2025 19:40

It would bother me too,but also the fact that he said he would a few years ago! And she’s only 22 now! 😦

Alltheyellowbirds · 08/07/2025 19:53

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 18:52

I have been trying to get this point across and nobody commented. He deserves to get the sack for that.

Show quote history

I have said the same, a couple of times. It’s vile.

Alltheyellowbirds · 08/07/2025 19:55

croydon15 · 08/07/2025 19:13

OP you are bu, you should not have snooped, it was no doubt banter between 2 men and it's not worth jeopardising your relationship. Your DH is probably unhappy about you snooping in the first place you need to have a serious talk about your relationship.

Seriously?

MasterBeth · 08/07/2025 19:55

Purplerain1985 · 08/07/2025 19:40

It would bother me too,but also the fact that he said he would a few years ago! And she’s only 22 now! 😦

Again, I don't think this necessarily means he would have tried it in with this woman several years ago. It just means that a few years ago he'd be trying it on with any woman.

youreabitofacxxr · 08/07/2025 19:56

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/07/2025 16:59

Have you even tried? Not even a 'you seem a little quieter than usual, is everything okay at work?' kind of thing?

The fact he doesn't like to open up much doesn't excuse you snooping through his phone and invading his privacy.

As for the message itself, the trip was in the past and this message seems like stupid bloke banter and if this is the only incriminating thing you could find while snooping then think yourself lucky.

Did your snooping get to the bottom of why he is being cold towards you now?

Show quote history

Are you a man cause you sound like one!

RachCmomma · 08/07/2025 20:04

Yep, that's what got me too. If he could get away with it work wise he would. Nothing to do with not doing it because of you. Thats really shit. Im sorry. Xx

SuperFi · 08/07/2025 20:11

Sadcafe · 07/07/2025 18:06

If you challenge him, he knows you’ve been looking on his phone, not encouraging snooping, been there done that suffered the consequences, but if you have some suspicion, letting him know simply leads to denial, arguing and changing password , personally, from experience, say nothing, keep an eye if that’s what you feel you need to do and talk to him if things continue

This 100%.

AfraidToRun · 08/07/2025 20:12

There's clearly so much more to this than some messages. If neither of you can communicate effectively about the bigger pucture, then what's the point in staying together, just bumbling along misunderstanding eachother?

ThisPerkyRobin · 08/07/2025 20:17

Hey he can't talk to his wife about his feeling , but he can message a friend about his feelings, thats a red flag to me, i would deffently confront him, why be a door mat

Lennon80 · 08/07/2025 20:36

If you don’t have children leave - he’s not going to be one to stay faithful when your elbow deep in young children and don’t want sex. Get rid.

Safaribar · 08/07/2025 20:37

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:38

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

  • My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
  • His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
  • Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: Are you going to try it on?
  • Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
  • My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

You don't want to split? thats enough for me to know that my trust would be gone in my partner. So you have two choices, you either live with the fact that he would cheat, or you leave. Screenshot those images and send to yourself incase you need proof.

Danielle8p · 08/07/2025 20:44

@ThymeandBasil its absolutely not something to show off about. I meant in his knob head brain that's probably what he thought he was doing. As I said I would be livid and for me it may even end my marriage! I was trying to just make a point that some men in their private chats are bloody idiots and not necessarily intending on cheating. Just my opinion

restingbitchface30 · 08/07/2025 20:45

He’s a creep who’s cheated before. It’s not normal ‘bloke banter’ my fella and his mates would never talk like this. If I were you I’d be packing his bags

EarthSight · 08/07/2025 21:13

I understand the need to be level-headed, but this relationship would be finished for me. Men can excuse all sorts of sleazy, cheating behaviour under the guise of 'banter', but it doesn't mean it actually is.

Even if he wouldn't have done anything, she's 22 ffs, and he's talking about her in a gross way.

EarthSight · 08/07/2025 21:16

thepariscrimefiles · 08/07/2025 18:50

The young woman is only 22. OP's DH is talking about doing something with her a few years ago before he was a manager. That would mean that he would have done something with a teenager. He's a walking red flag.

I read it as he would have done something with her if he weren't in a senior position, rather than her being too old now, but it's still bad.

LondonFox · 08/07/2025 21:38

Danielle8p · 08/07/2025 17:49

@PulpKitchen I would be livid, BUT I honestly think his just being an absolute knob showing off to his friend. Doesn't mean he would actually do it his just being a stupid bloke

Do you really think a woman would not need medical advice in like 80% cases if husband found out she wants to fuck a bloke from work?

Why do hell lot of you excuse it as male banter?
I have male friends and fucking none of them speaks like that. To me or my DH about "hot almost teen aged girls"

LoveLifeBeHappy · 08/07/2025 21:45

TravelPanic · 07/07/2025 16:48

Cannot believe these responses so far!! He’s a creep and either has cheated or would happily cheat. Why on earth do you want to stay with him after seeing these?!

He clearly said "No"—that he can’t overstep the line. It’s just typical workplace banter among men. If there’s an attractive woman at work, most guys would casually say something like, “she’s fit.”

It doesn’t mean he’s cheating or being unfaithful.

Danielle8p · 08/07/2025 21:56

@londonfox I am not excusing it at all. And I have seen woman WhatsApp chats that aren't much differnet. Also not acceptable

SoMuchBadAdvice · 08/07/2025 22:14

I find this thread weird in comparison to the other thread going on about a married head teacher shagging one of their subordinate teachers (also married), and MN is saying "nobody else's business".

Safaribar · 08/07/2025 22:17

LoveLifeBeHappy · 08/07/2025 21:45

He clearly said "No"—that he can’t overstep the line. It’s just typical workplace banter among men. If there’s an attractive woman at work, most guys would casually say something like, “she’s fit.”

It doesn’t mean he’s cheating or being unfaithful.

Show quote history

He has clearly spoken to his friend before, said something about this girl, hence the picture being sent to prove how hot she is... then the only reason he wouldn't do anything is because he's her boss...not "hahaha, maybe when I was young and not married".

ThymeandBasil · 08/07/2025 22:19

LoveLifeBeHappy · 08/07/2025 21:45

He clearly said "No"—that he can’t overstep the line. It’s just typical workplace banter among men. If there’s an attractive woman at work, most guys would casually say something like, “she’s fit.”

It doesn’t mean he’s cheating or being unfaithful.

Show quote history

It’s just typical workplace banter among men

God help women when people excuse this vile, misogynistic way of talking about them as " just" typical workplace banter.
So you think its normal and acceptable for married men - who took vows to their wives- to talk about what colleagues they want to fuck?
Just a bit of harmless fun to disrepect your wife and to objectify and lust after young women?

Catsbreakfast · 08/07/2025 22:31

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 20:19

Spying?

Show quote history

You lay out there’s problems but instead of dealing with them you go through his private conversations and use that as a weapon against him. This relationship is doomed either way. I would never read my partners messages. If that was a man posting, you’d get torn to shreds and rightfully so. Your relationship is obviously not happy so either you act on that or you don’t. Those are your options. But if you confront him, your relationship will be over, and if you let it fester and don’t confront him, it’ll be over too.

Lennon80 · 08/07/2025 22:45

She’s so sweet though - then the aubergine 🍆 (representing a dick btw) OP I’ve read this whole thing again and I’m fucking fuming on your behalf - I don’t think I could get over it.

eastegg · 08/07/2025 22:46

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 07/07/2025 17:56

That conversation reads like his friend knows your husband cheats on you. Its the casual way he asks if hes going to try it on. Nobody asks that question if they dont already know the person they're asking fucks around.

Spot on. You’ve got to read between the lines a bit haven’t you. Same with the opening ‘this is her’. They’ve been talking about her before this, in a way that’s been driven by OP’s partner because he’s the one who knows her. And as you say, he will be the one who has raised the possibility of shagging her, because otherwise the mate wouldn’t just wade in with the suggestion.

The only positive is that the conversation strongly suggests he hasn’t actually done anything, but that is made worse by his explicit admission that he would have done a few years ago, when he and OP were together.

catlover123456789 · 08/07/2025 22:49

So, he spoke to his friend about this girl. He then sent a picture of this girl to his friend. Then he insinuated .. something... with the emoji. It's just utterly gross. I actually think, in terms of office rules, that's actually worse than a consensual relationship between senior and junior.
Yes you shouldn't have snooped... but now you have, you've discovered what he's like. Even if its 'just male bravado', it totally crossed a line.

Swipe left for the next trending thread