Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

That doesn’t quite add up to me. If he hasn’t been the type to crack on since he has been with Op (around 12 years) why is his friend asking him if he is going to do that? You would only do that if you knew they had form for it. And why send a photo of the young girl? He must have been talking about women he fancies in the workplace. Someone explained that the aubergine emoji is a reference to his penis. Gross.

Something I find quite odd about this thread is the focus of the 'D'H's disrespect towards his wife. Yes, that is a given and it is appalling. However, what about the disrespect towards the colleague? I can't imagine many of you would be thrilled if a colleague of yours sent a photo of you to a mate followed by lots of aubergine emojis. The disrespect shown to another woman would be enough for me to have had enough.

I know of a woman who who was raped by her boss on a work trip, and there are reasons to suspect he and another colleague of hers had at least discussed her in someway before or after the event.

Sexual harassment in the workplace isn't just banter, even if, maybe especially if, the colleague isn't aware she is being spoken about like this.

So s married man showing his friend pictures of a young colleague he'd like to fuck, if he wasn't her boss, is him" showing off"" and being a " knob" ?
Since when did having zero respect for your wife and your wedding vows become something to " show off " about?

The young woman is only 22. OP's DH is talking about doing something with her a few years ago before he was a manager. That would mean that he would have done something with a teenager. He's a walking red flag.

while we are derailing the thread to make Op the one in the wrong why don’t we look at his action of sending pictures of a very young colleague to his mate and commenting on her appearance with references to his penis. I said upthread that he would get the sack for doing that. I wonder what the young woman would make of her image being passed around and ogled like that?

I have been trying to get this point across and nobody commented. He deserves to get the sack for that.

Male defence force.
MDF.
Cheap, flimsy, and hopelessly out of date...

Eew I feel like this cannot even be real...

The issue should'nt be she checked his phone, the issues should be what she found, i'd confront him,

Represents a penis!

It is peak Mumsnet that nobody seems to have suggested the OP alert the young woman to the fact she is being spoken like about this. I think I would consider it in OPs situation. 'Other women' really are othered, even when they are completely blameless (perhaps even unaware!) in the situation.

I mean, you’re more offended by people telling you it’s wrong to go through your husbands phone than you are the seedy messages he’s sending about a woman 10 years younger.
What you did was wrong. What he’s done is vile and wrong.
have you considered therapy? Solo and couples.

Becoz bantz.

Men often speak through jokes and innuendo. It doesn't have to be a legit query, just a sort of everyday sexism small talk.

These were my exact thoughts. I would say he has cheated in the past or would consider it in the future. It’s gross to be honest - using the emoji in that way. Your gut was telling you something, that’s why you checked his phone. Deep down you don’t trust him so I’d try and find some concrete evidence and then confront him. You won’t rest after seeing those messages, no matter what you tell yourself - trust me.

Based on what he said he definitely would have made a move in the past and that makes me concerned that he has definitely made a move in the past.

As an aside, is "went down the phone" a common turn of phrase in your part of the world? I have never heard that before.

If your spidy senses are tingling about something, i wouldn't show my hand just in case you need it in the future.
What are you hoping to achieve by challenging him? He doesn't sound like he'd be remorseful and likely to change the error of his ways? More likely you'll have given him the heads up to cover his tracks more.....
If he's intending to cheat, challenging him wont make him change his mind.
Hopefully he's just been a bit of a cock trying to impress his mates with all the 'big man' banter.....

OP you are bu, you should not have snooped, it was no doubt banter between 2 men and it's not worth jeopardising your relationship. Your DH is probably unhappy about you snooping in the first place you need to have a serious talk about your relationship.

This exactly! It’s gross; she’s the same age as my niece and I’d be so furious if some scummy bloke that was meant to be mentoring her was sharing her picture and talking about trying it on 😷

MN commentators are grosser than the gross husband, fuck off with your fake indignation, more pissed about her snooping than pervy hudband

I think everyone has completely overlooked the part where he said he would have tried it on a couple of years ago or if he wasn’t her senior at work 😳

he’s a married man who has been married for 12 years and she’s 22. Ick!!! ICK!! How disrespectful to his wife. She has every right to check his phone if that’s what he’s up to. With that said, I do agree that if you’re checking his phone and think you’re going to find something (which you clearly have) then the marriage might already be dead.

I would make him look for a new job to show willing or leave him.

Only if you read the husband's post as some literal catalogue of actual events rather than tedious male banter.

He's just saying "she's hawt". He's not saying he's a paedo.

Hi has he ever giving you reason to believe he'd cheat however from what you said I'd hit the roof by now because he thought about and had the chance would have really went for it it's you're life all we can do is advise however you could be silent about it and keep an eye on them but for me my head would be doing 100 all the time just please I do no once the trust is gone it stays gone that maybe have you will stay sending you big massive hugs sweetheart

Well looks like she had every reason to snoop since he's a lying cheating bastard

Stupid bloke banter am sorry but if I found this in my Husband phone I'd hit the dam roof the fact you're a married man and Evan thinking about it is enough to get me mad because what else has he done??? Am 22 years married happy my Husband tells me how beautiful I am everyday hugs me call me just to make am OK and let me now how he is as married couple should

No, she really really hasn't