Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

Lol some of you guys are nuts. Yes a smartphone is a computer. Yes there are laws that prevent unauthorised access to a computer system you know you arnt authorised to use. It is unlikely a husbands phone would be deemed like this. Does he have a sign. Saying she can't access it? Couples often use their own phones.... however also just leave him you don't trust him anyway

It seems that the trust has been gone for awhile in your relationship. For you to check out his chats is an indication to me that you two, a. don't have good, honest and open communication between you and, b. something in his previous behaviour has constituted a betrayal of your trust or, c. you do not respect his boundaries and that in itself is problematic. My recommendation is to ask him directly if he has cheated on you and then ask him if he is willing to go to marriage counselling to work on the trust and communication factors in your relationship.

Wow! Are none of you reading this right? I read this as he's sent a picture of a younger woman he clearly thinks is attractive to his friend. If he wasn't in a higher role hed likely try it on with her and it reads like he has done this before as his mate signs off with we will see after a few beers. Yes its not great to snoop but its even worse to be laughing about a much yonger employee you'd like to try it on with but won't as you might get sacked. Who knows he may have done or done it in the past if not these messages don't paint him in a good trusting light. OP if I was you id be hurt and angry it makes you look a mug and he looks like a creep who goes for younger lower level work females. Confront him and even if he says he didn't do it, you was wrong to look in his phone etc you come back with well that whole conversation you read doesn't sound exactly wholesome does it. Would he find messages like that on your phone implying you'd shag an employee at work if you could get away with it? How would he react to that? Good luck he sounds a doosh you could do without.

What he has said would be relationship ending for me personally. I am absolutely horrified with the ridiculous responses to this. I would absolutely be gone there would be no way back from this for me. He's speaking as it he doesn't have a wife/girlfriend and didn't a few years ago either

I can not believe some of these responses. Absolutely crazy. Girl, there should be no secrets in the relationship. What he said was vile. Honestly, I'd end things. This isn't some online women, celebrity fantasy, this is him singling out a woman from work like a total creep.

no your not being unreasonable but u will be if you stay with him (which you will) my guess is he would and will cheat . forget the crap about the indignent idiots on here condemning you for looking on his phone , how many are men anyway ??? lol

Don't blame you for snooping, I would do the same in the circumstances and your concerns were realised.
I have nothing to hide my DP can access my phone anytime he wants to.
At best the message was banter at worst it is extremely disrespectful.
Disrespect is one of the things I cannot tolerate.
Huge red flag in my opinion, if it triangulates with other behaviours time to have a serious talk.

Personally, I do not see the harm in you snooping. We're all curious. I can empathise with you on this note, as mine is the same. We do not have privacy. He can go in my phone and look through it, and I can go on his. The only time I would is if he was hiding it. Now, his reaction to what you have queried is a red flag, as we all know. Why would you not want to divorce if you found he was cheating or had cheated? It sounds like he was careful with his response in case you did see it, then forgot all about the message. Don't make the mistake of sticking around for the kids. You are now going to be constantly worried. It is no way to live. You are still young and only get one life. Try not to waste it on uncertainty. I hope he can be kinder in explaining this message to you, and I hope that you make the right decision for you.

Dear pulpkitchen,
If your instinct has made you look, then your instinct is generally right. I did the same thing to my ex husband, my instinct was to check and I found disturbing content also. I confronted him, he was more shocked that id caught him out, than actually checking his phone. He promised never to do it again, but he did, several times. He also changed his passwords etc. My concern was, you only have passwords etc from your partner if you have something to hide. Im now happily married, we share everything so I never have the urge to check anything, as I trust him dearly. You'll have to have a good think, but dont be taken for a fool and never be second best. Good luck

You went down his phone, what does that even mean? I'm sure it's been answered somewhere but I'm too lazy to read19 pages.

Hi, it means went through his phone and read his messages

@PulpKitchen I would be livid, BUT I honestly think his just being an absolute knob showing off to his friend. Doesn't mean he would actually do it his just being a stupid bloke

Why on earth would you think that?

Well the fact you checked his phone shows you don't trust him, maybe with reason, i'd be confroning him if he was my husband, how do you know he's never checked your phone, the least of your problems i'd say

Really? 🤨

I spend far too much time on here and have rarely seen a woman being outraged about a bloke 'snooping' on her phone. FWIW, very few women objectify men like this - and, if someone's husband found messages like that on her phone, she'd be told she was an arsehole for doing it in the first place.

You might be thinking of women with insanely controlling husbands who monitor their communications all the time. Yes, those women should LTBs.

Why on earth would you go through his phone? I’d suggest telling him, then there’s every chance he’ll just walk out on you. I would.

Why? What are you scared she might find on your phone?

Some of the comments on here are a joke acting all outraged she went through his phone! She had his suspicions hence why she looked!
The amount of threads ive seen where husband or partner is suspected of cheating or is leaving and trying to fuck the op over and everyone says can you check his phone. But someone trying to pre empt that and find out what is going on is the wrong one!
This isn't some casual relationship they are MARRIED! Shes got her concerns so she looked.
Its not as simple as why didn't you Just talk to him come off it we all know people lie, minimise or completely refuse to talk.
Op I think you did nothing wrong in looking, his messages were absolutely vile, where you go from here is up to you x

And your husband sent the pic to his friend !
Reading that would be the end for me.. red flags

I think he's vile and obviously a problematic 'senior' at work.

I can't understand married couples who don't have open access to each others phones. If out of charge or if one phone is left at home the other might be required in an emergency etc. DH & I know each others passwords & can use either phone anywhere & any time.

If he changes his password then he has something to hide. Why would you stay with him if he does that?

It means that she checked his messages.

It's really gross and creepy to talk about women that way. Yeah you shouldn't have snooped but now you have I wouldn't be surprised if he gives you the ick.

I’d be ending the relationship!