Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

I didn't "school a lawyer" about the law - re-read my post to @ByGreenHiker - I recapped the side discussion to her that derailed the thread to highlight that, in spite of legislation making it possible, no-one had suggested that OP should or would be prosecuted. No-one.

If you think a smart phone is a computer, you also think a car is a computer. Just stop embarrassing yourself.

There is no legislation that makes it possible. That is what you cannot grasp.

And you're STILL wrong. Did you miss my earlier post or just fail to comprehend it? Here's the explanation again:
A mobile phone, particularly a smartphone, is indeed considered a computer. It possesses the fundamental characteristics of a computer: it takes input, processes information, and provides output. Smartphones have a central processing unit (CPU), memory (RAM and storage), and run software (apps) to perform various tasks. While they differ in form factor and user interface from traditional desktop or laptop computers, they share the core functionality of a computer."
So, unless you're using a Nokia 3310, or a similar old "dumb" phone, you have a COMPUTER in your back pocket!!! 🙄
HTH.

Oh yes there is always someone who likes to pretend looking on a phone is worse than cheating

Instead of arguing black is white in on here, why don't you go and do some diligent research and come back with some proof? Until you do, I will not be facilitating any more of your derailing this thread with your ignorance.

Except you are absolutely WRONG and are embarrassing yourself. Simply because something has computer capabilities does not make it a computer. What you're saying, is a car is a computer. An oven, is a computer. I don't know why you continue to embarrass yourself this way.

Except afaik and the Op knows there was no cheating here. There was some very irreverent male banter but that's all.

However the OP has invaded her husband's privacy to satisfy her own curiosity I.e. her inquisitiveness was obviously much more important to her than respecting his privacy.

Further, she found something, while in itself not terminally wrong, has upset her.

I have 2 words for the OP's predicament in this situation:
Tough titty!!

It doesn’t matter what a mobile phone is designed for. Are you really this daft? Modern cash registers are designed for registering sales. If you look at them, you’ll see they’re basically a PC connected to a cash drawer. Are you trying to tell us they don’t qualify as computers?

It is not up to me to prove a negative.

We've already had a solicitor on here state it is wrong. I'm going to take the word of a lawyer. Not you. Now to ignore a solicitor shows supreme ignorance. Go away and come back with actual proof that it is is. Because the onus is on you to prove it is. You're the one making the claim; and against the advice of a legal specialist here. Please don't bother replying until you get the proof because I'm not going to entertain your ignorance and foolishness any longer.

You must be daft if you think a cash register and a car, are computers.

You can't be serious.

You've had a lawyer school you and tell you that you are wrong. To continue when you are proven wrong, is foolish.

The OP didn't know there was no cheating, until she looked at the phone. That's the point. And the evidence of what the messages say basically says he's had affairs before. So she was right to check the phone, she was vindicated in doing so. And it's her spouse, so she had every right to.

I think they contain, and are partially controlled or administered by computers.

In DPP v McKeown, DPP v Jones ([1997] 2 Cr. App. R. 155, HL, at page 163), a computer was defined as “a device for storing, processing and retrieving information.”

Can you see how this very obviously applies to a device such as a smartphone?

No. You are drawing a very long bow. And the lawyer has already told you that you are wrong. Is there a reason you think you know better than them? My point is that being administered or controlled by computers (as cars are) does not in itself, make them computers. An oven is an oven. Not a computer. A car is a car. Not a computer.

Never mind the lawyer. How can you not comprehend that a smartphone is a device that stores, processes and allows the retrieval of information? For example, one might use it to store, and later retrieve, contact details, notes, and photographs. I’m able to access this very website using my smartphone, because it functions as a computer. Any reason why you choose to deny this self-evident fact?

Vile

I cant even believe what this thread has descended into.

There was some very irreverent male banter but that's all.

And I can't believe how some people minimise and dismiss the disgusting misogynistic way a lot of men talk about women - generally amongst themselves but sometimes publicly- as "banter". Its not " banter" . It's the way men who despise and objectify women talk about them.

OP unfortunately now knows she is married to a man who has almost certainly cheated in the past and would certainly be cheating on her with this young colleague, given the opportunity, if he was not mindful of losing his job. And he his friend pass round photos of young colleagues and discuss their fuckability. Just disgusting.

Horrible for OP and some posters would do well to sympathise with her rather manufacture arguments about the perceived legalities of looking at other peoples phones. She is married to him for heavens sake so why shouldnt she look at his phone when she knew something was wrong and she knew he would not discuss how he was feeling with her?

"She is married to him for heavens sake so why shouldnt she look at his phone when she knew just thought something was wrong..."

Ehhh, cos it's a gross invasion of privacy and would undermine trust in the relationship.

If she felt there was something wrong, she should have persisted with asking her DH to talk about what might be bothering him, rather than prying in his personal communication device to satisfy her curiosity....

FWIW I ever found out my husband had disrespected me like that our marriage would be over . If that makes me a ‘pearl clutcher ‘ so be it .

I would never speak about another man like that behind his back to one of my friends .

He's obviously game.
Best to say nothing and quietly organise yourself.
No more children for a start.
You have said it now so he will mind his phone in future.
Nothing is gained by showing your hand.

No, I am not a solicitor, but I have been in employment law training recently because of the recent changes in the Equality Act pertaining to sexual harassment.

If he had shared this message with the woman concerned, it could definitely be considered as gross misconduct for sexual harassment. As it is, she has no knowledge of it. It's a private text conversation between the OP's husband and his friend. I don't believe that can constitute harassment.

There is no legislation about sharing photographs, unless it's something awful like an upskirting photo or revenge porn. Copying someone's Instagram profile pic and sharing it with a mate is not illegal. Sexist leering in private over someone's photo isn't against the law, even if it is creepy.

the evidence of what the messages say basically says he's had affairs before.

It doesn't. It says that "a few years ago" he might have tried it on with this woman. That could mean before his marriage.

@ThatDaringEagle

You think she looked at her phone on a whim, just to " satisfy her curiosity" ???
Honestly???
Some one who suspects there is something fundamentally wrong in their marriage isnt jus trying to "satisfy their curiosity " . They NEED to know what is happening to undermine their relationship and if their partner will not open up to them then they have to resort to other means. It's not idle curiosity!

I don’t want to split or anything drastic

Maybe you can save the "drastic" action for when he actually shags someone else?

I've seen you supporting shitty men on other threads, particularly the one where the OP's husband was reported for sexual harrassment by a female colleague where you joined the OP in blaming the victim for not being 'old school' by not enjoying sexual banter and 'grassing' him up to the boss.

The OP of this thread saw inappropriate and unprofessional messages between her husband and a male colleague sexualising the younger female colleague and read that her DH would have 'done something about it' three years ago (when the colleague would have been a teenager) but he can't now that he is a manager.

The 'tough titty' response just sums you up. Crass and sexist.