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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Went down husband’s phone

666 replies

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:38

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

  • My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
  • His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
  • Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: Are you going to try it on?
  • Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
  • My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 10:24

OliviaVine · 08/07/2025 09:06

I think the police have more crucial things to do than arrest someone for having a quick look through their spouses phone, however.

I totally agree, but it's still a crime.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/07/2025 10:28

ouch321 · 08/07/2025 10:20

'Laughing' at people like this poster who thinks the OP is the bad one here.

The only time it's immoral to snoop is if the other party is innocent. Which the husband clearly is not.

But all the cheating types will do the whole outraged thing about invasion of privacy and what not.

Lol. According to that logic, it would only be immoral to break into someone’s home if you actually stole something.

AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 10:30

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 09:12

No it's not! And reading your spouses phone, even if it were considered a computer (which it's not) is not the same as a hacker trying to enter a computer or database.

Er, YES it is! And you really don't understand the legislation - it is NOT restricted to "hackers" - it applies to EVERYONE within this jurisdiction.

OliviaVine · 08/07/2025 10:37

AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 10:24

I totally agree, but it's still a crime.

I'm pretty sure sending a photo of a work colleague to a mate, without colleagues consent, carries a few legal issues too. Especially in the context it was sent and the fact that the sender is senior to the colleague. This might be seen as more serious than a quick snoop through a phone!

qotsa · 08/07/2025 10:41

Sundaycrunch · 07/07/2025 17:38

I've literally never heard the expression to "go down" someone's phone instead of "go through". Is it a regional thing? (I know this is not the point of the thread but previous comments have pretty much covered it!)

@Sundaycrunch 😆🤣 I was thinking this too, missing the whole point of the thread - go down someone’s phone, odd.

AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 10:45

oldparents · 08/07/2025 09:34

Jeezo, I was in the police for a while, and my DH is still a police officer, some 20 years in. NO ONE gives a shit if a spouse looks through a phone. No one is coming for that, in fact you'd be laughed off the phone. They are dealing with stabbings, shootings, robberies, cot deaths.....but yeah, let's take 2 officers off the street to have a word with Sharon, cos she looked at Dave's phone. 😂

@ByGreenHiker Yes, we all know OP wouldn't even be spoken to by the police, much less arrested, charged and prosecuted. The only reason this side discussion started is because a PP asked if it was a crime and another PP confirmed that it was, which you'd know if you:d read the quote history. Neither of these PPs has suggested that OP should be in fear of being prosecuted. 🙄

AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 10:54

OliviaVine · 08/07/2025 10:37

I'm pretty sure sending a photo of a work colleague to a mate, without colleagues consent, carries a few legal issues too. Especially in the context it was sent and the fact that the sender is senior to the colleague. This might be seen as more serious than a quick snoop through a phone!

Edited

I agree. At no point have I said otherwise.

Imbusytodaysorry · 08/07/2025 10:56

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 17:05

Yes, I’ve tried for years. He’s really not good talking about his emotions. It’s just part of him, and he won’t get help for it. He lets things build until he has a semi breakdown rather than a chat. There wasn’t much in there, a few messages to a friend insinuating I’m demanding, that kind of thing, but nothing specific.

@PulpKitchen The start of the script ? Bed mouthing the wife .
He appears to be able to open up and talk about certain things though doesn’t he . Like his attraction to a younger female .

I agree op he didn’t mention his marriage status just his work position .

Now a change in behaviour .
Tbh you deserve better

Imbusytodaysorry · 08/07/2025 11:01

@PulpKitchen do up know her name ?
Do you know how to access apps that may be Hidden? Search her name .

Id ask for full access to his phone in front of him .
He has said stuff to make you not be able to trust
Have you ever had a reason to think he was cheating before ? Usually the gutt feeling leads to cheating ( not every case )

You either trust him or not . If you don’t then leave.

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 11:02

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/07/2025 10:15

What do you think a computer is? Do you think a mobile phone doesn’t qualify because it isn’t tied to a desk? Does that mean laptops and tablets aren’t computers?

A mobile phone is used for making phone calls. Computers (which includes PCs/desktops, laptops and tablets aren't for making phone calls. They are two entirely different things.

Alstromeria · 08/07/2025 11:04

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 08/07/2025 08:22

My husband went through my phone and found something he didn't like and took it out of context. Caused no end of arguments and he still brings it up now. I told him I don't go through his phone because I might not like what I see, and that I respect his privacy.

I think you should have spoken with your husband instead of going through his phone.

I now live on edge in case there is something on my phone I don't want him to see (a bill, an email, a message, etc) that he might take out of context and daren't change my passcode because I now know he will go through it and if I change my passcode he will think I have something to hide, and I don't but don't want him knowing all my business

There's a difference between what your husband is doing versus what the OP is doing.

You weren't having an affair. Your husband took something out of context and even when you explained, he didn't believe you, which is why he's still bringing it up now.

That's not the same as when someone just knows it instinctively that something is going on and so faced with an uncommunicative/tendency towards lying partner they go through the phone. Whether they find evidence then and there or whether they find out at a later date that there's an affair, the issue is that there always is something and their instincts weren't wrong.

Nobody advocates going through a partner's phone on a regular basis to check up on them "just in case". That's controlling behaviour.

You should be able to change your password without fear of reprisals. You shouldn't be treading on eggshells, knowing your partner will go through your phone and worrying about them taking something out of context again. That's not normal or ok.

Change your password. If your partner blows up about not being able to access your phone, LTB. If he uses verbal or emotional abuse to force you to give him your new password, LTB. If he brings up the thing from before again, tell him he either trusts you or he doesn't, so either you move forward and he never mentions it again or you split up. Trust, once broken, has to be re-earned, but you didn't do anything so that doesn't apply here. So either he lets it go, whatever it was he saw, or you split up. Because what's happening currently with your situation is an unhealthy relationship and he's being controlling. You shouldn't stay with these dynamics, it's not good for you.

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 11:05

AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 10:24

I totally agree, but it's still a crime.

Not it is not.

AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 11:08

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 09:53

Quite. These people are batshit crazy and have no idea what a computer is, let alone the law.

Oh. Dear. God. Here, let me make it easy for you since you seem to struggle with anything computer-related:
"Yes, a mobile phone, particularly a smartphone, is indeed considered a computer. It possesses the fundamental characteristics of a computer: it takes input, processes information, and provides output. Smartphones have a central processing unit (CPU), memory (RAM and storage), and run software (apps) to perform various tasks. While they differ in form factor and user interface from traditional desktop or laptop computers, they share the core functionality of a computer."
So, unless you're using a Nokia 3310, or a similar old "dumb" phone, you have a COMPUTER in your back pocket!!! 🙄
And you know absolutely NOTHING about the law as your posts have proven. No-one has suggested that OP would be prosecuted under either piece of relevant legislation - it would be disproportionate and not in the public interest to do so.

GreenGully · 08/07/2025 11:10

Divorce. It's a zero tolerance policy for this type of shit in my relationship.

AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 11:11

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 11:05

Not it is not.

YES IT IS. That doesn't mean OP or any other domestic partner (who isn't engaging in coercive control) would be prosecuted under this legislation because it would be disproportionate and not in the public interest to do so.

AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MasterBeth · 08/07/2025 11:19

OliviaVine · 08/07/2025 10:37

I'm pretty sure sending a photo of a work colleague to a mate, without colleagues consent, carries a few legal issues too. Especially in the context it was sent and the fact that the sender is senior to the colleague. This might be seen as more serious than a quick snoop through a phone!

Edited

It's distasteful and unprofessional but not illegal.

It's a private message sent to a private individual. I'm presuming the photo is something like a social media image, or maybe a photo taken in a public place.

ByGreenHiker · 08/07/2025 11:20

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/07/2025 10:15

What do you think a computer is? Do you think a mobile phone doesn’t qualify because it isn’t tied to a desk? Does that mean laptops and tablets aren’t computers?

Please can enlighten us to your qualifications?

I'm a solicitor of over 15 years pqe having had an extended stint in criminal when I was a junior.

What makes you qualified to comment?

You dont know what you're talking about.

I hate that the thread has been derailed by this nonsense. Suggestion that OP is a criminal and should be dealt with as such rather than attention on the grown man exchanging pictures of a 22 year old in a sexual context.

Honest to god, what is wrong with all of you.

TomPinch · 08/07/2025 11:35

ByGreenHiker · 08/07/2025 11:20

Please can enlighten us to your qualifications?

I'm a solicitor of over 15 years pqe having had an extended stint in criminal when I was a junior.

What makes you qualified to comment?

You dont know what you're talking about.

I hate that the thread has been derailed by this nonsense. Suggestion that OP is a criminal and should be dealt with as such rather than attention on the grown man exchanging pictures of a 22 year old in a sexual context.

Honest to god, what is wrong with all of you.

None of that's wrong though, is it.

ByGreenHiker · 08/07/2025 11:43

TomPinch · 08/07/2025 11:35

None of that's wrong though, is it.

Yes it is. You don't just look up a statute online and say, that's the law. Any first year law student knows that.

What that insufferable poster hasn't done is provide the specific subsection of the statute or any supportive case law.

TomPinch · 08/07/2025 11:47

ByGreenHiker · 08/07/2025 11:43

Yes it is. You don't just look up a statute online and say, that's the law. Any first year law student knows that.

What that insufferable poster hasn't done is provide the specific subsection of the statute or any supportive case law.

The question was what offence applied to checking a person's phone, not "that's the law". They did that. They were not asked to provide an equivalent of Lexis.

AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 11:47

ByGreenHiker · 08/07/2025 11:20

Please can enlighten us to your qualifications?

I'm a solicitor of over 15 years pqe having had an extended stint in criminal when I was a junior.

What makes you qualified to comment?

You dont know what you're talking about.

I hate that the thread has been derailed by this nonsense. Suggestion that OP is a criminal and should be dealt with as such rather than attention on the grown man exchanging pictures of a 22 year old in a sexual context.

Honest to god, what is wrong with all of you.

What is wrong with you?
To recap:

  • @TomPinch asked if "snooping" on other people's mobile phones is a crime
  • @MemorableTrenchcoat answered the question that it is illegal to gain unauthorised access to someone else's phone
  • No-one, as far as I can see (not even @MemorableTrenchcoat ) has suggested that OP would or should be prosecuted. This would be both disproportionate and not in the public interest - anyone with an ounce of common sense, much less criminal law qualifications and experience, would know this.
And you really can't complain about a thread derail when you add to it, so I suggest we end it here. Most of us posted helpful and supportive comments to OP yesterday (with just a handful of others berating her for "invading" her "D"H''s privacy).
suerte1998 · 08/07/2025 11:55

Alltheyellowbirds · 07/07/2025 22:52

You don’t think it’s concerning that he’s sending pics of his hot colleagues in the first place - who does that? I don’t care if he said he wouldn’t cheat (especially as the only reason he gave for not doing so was that he might lose his job.)

I know, the sending the photo and commenting on her appearance was wrong in the first place.

AngelicKaty · 08/07/2025 12:04

suerte1998 · 08/07/2025 11:55

I know, the sending the photo and commenting on her appearance was wrong in the first place.

Absolutely. And he wouldn't have just sent that photo to his friend out of the blue - they must have been discussing this female colleague previously.
Even if he hasn't physically cheated, I think the level of disrespect shown to OP by her "D"H and his friend is vile. 😠

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 12:09

girljulian · 08/07/2025 08:29

What are you talking about?

Isn’t it clear to you? The highlighted text suggests that there have been times when he HAs tried it on with other women.