Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

No it's not! And reading your spouses phone, even if it were considered a computer (which it's not) is not the same as a hacker trying to enter a computer or database.

No, it's not always already dead.

Surely this would be deemed a waste of police time even if it is technically illegal? Do you think that OP reading her DH's sleazy, disloyal messages means that she deserves to spend up to 2 years in prison? Some people are positively gleeful and salivating at the prospect of OP being punished.

Don’t be daft. Mobile phones have evolved from simple radios to very sophisticated computers, significantly more powerful than even the supercomputers of the 1970s and ‘80s. They are absolutely covered by this act.

The chat is grim, his attitude is grim, he might not have got anywhere with this 22 year old but to so brazenly chat about trying it on suggests his friend knows him as someone who has or would cheat.

Checking the phone is a non issue, lots of people here think it’s a gross invasion of privacy but I don’t, it’s just a phone, I’ve got nothing to hide on mine, anyone, my friends, kids, husband can take a look.

I’m simply responding to the claim that there is no crime of accessing someone’s computer, including their smartphone, without authorisation.

The talk of this being a crime is by the by- I also think the police wouldn't prosecute as it wouldn't be in the public interest. Going through a spouse's phone really isn't all that much unless, say, there's abuse or identity theft going on.

There also doesn't seem to be a definition of 'computer' in the Act but I can't see why it wouldn't include a phone capable or sending or recieving texts etc. That's totally part of what a computer does.

of course it’s human nature to be curious but that isn’t really justification for invading his privacy like that

obviously he has done wrong, even if it was just those messages being banter it’s inexcusable. but I think going through someone’s phone is toxic behaviour

my partner doesn’t show or talk about his emotions much so I can understand how it’s challenging, however it’s never occurred to me to go through his phone because I trust him

if you trust someone so little that you’re going through their personal things, why bother being with them?

You sound like an 18 year old who is in their first year at law school and just discovered a statute book.

Law works very different in practice. Just stop.

I wouldn't be happy seeing that on my partners phone! Sounds like he definitely could have cheated in the past

you’ve done nothing wrong op. So you can share finances, share a bed, be a whole married couple but I’m not allowed to look on your phone if I have a strange feeling as “it’s private” 🤔 the previous posters can crack on living in naive land then but if I suspect my dh of cheating I’m looking though his phone! how is that any different to the women hiring private investigators? Isn’t that breaching his privacy too then?

id be wondering if his friend knows he has cheated before the way he so brazenly asks if he’s going to crack on with her? This is literally micro cheating and I would be very suspicious that it wasn’t the first time or things had not gone further with anyone else.

If it is “male banter” I would think he’s a disrespectful, untrustworthy man at the very least, to be saving other women’s pictures and the emoji used.

I would not bring this up to him if you are not planning on leaving him, there’s no point. Just have your wits about you and know this is how he behaves, plus he’ll probably be more secretive moving forward.

I cant believe some of the responses on here.
You did nothing wrong to snoop. You suspected he was up to something. People on here make me laugh. What would you have done then? Sat him down and expected the truth? Hed have lied

Op, up to you what to do but I know what id do.
Male banter is one thing...I get that...but his only reason not to is because if his seniority at work? What he should've had said well no im married but shes fit. Etc.

So if I were you id think..right, if he or her moved teams and he didnt lind manage..then what? Obviously hed cheat.

I’m sure it does, but PP asked if there was any such crime. Why is this so hard for you to comprehend?

Be careful not to sound like a second-year..... 😉

I asked the question and MemorableTrenchcoat answered.

This.

No matter what: you don't trust him. Your relationship has digressed to snooping through phones. Once it's hit that stage : it's over. Regardless of anything else.

So would it generally be less of an issue to snoop on partners phone if it’s about whinging to family/ friends about partner, which I guess many of us do and more of an issue if it’s about a suspicion of something going on. I admit I whinge to my sister about things DW says and does , not overly bothered if she saw them, sure she whinges too, but it’s definitely another thing when it’s messages bordering on emotional abuse to a member of the opposite sex

• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)

This is the absolute worst part for me. That his response is that he won't try it on due to his position at work and NOT because he's married!!!!

I agree you shouldn't have snooped but what's done is done and I wouldn't be able to get over this. Banter or not.

Jeezo, I was in the police for a while, and my DH is still a police officer, some 20 years in. NO ONE gives a shit if a spouse looks through a phone. No one is coming for that, in fact you'd be laughed off the phone. They are dealing with stabbings, shootings, robberies, cot deaths.....but yeah, let's take 2 officers off the street to have a word with Sharon, cos she looked at Dave's phone. 😂

Even if this is just men’s banter, it’s such horrible banter. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who says such horrible things.

Spying is what MI5 do.

Quite. Wanna be lawyers who think they're being smart looking up a statute on the internet without even being able to quote a particular subsection, or any of the nuances around it are just a joke.

Actual lawyers and actual police officers know the real deal.

Quite. These people are batshit crazy and have no idea what a computer is, let alone the law.

What do you think a computer is? Do you think a mobile phone doesn’t qualify because it isn’t tied to a desk? Does that mean laptops and tablets aren’t computers?

'Laughing' at people like this poster who thinks the OP is the bad one here.

The only time it's immoral to snoop is if the other party is innocent. Which the husband clearly is not.

But all the cheating types will do the whole outraged thing about invasion of privacy and what not.

You do know mobile phones are small computing devices, right? And the link isn't to an article, but to the legislation which covers EVERYONE within the jurisdiction of England and Wales (and specifically includes domestic settings). So yes, it is a crime to access someone else's mobile phone (including your intimate partner's) without their authorisation (breaching their privacy under the Data Protection Act 2018 would also apply). This legislation could be relied upon in the prosecution of, for example, a perpetrator of coercive control, but as most people would agree, OP isn't going to find herself in court because she technically broke this law as it simply wouldn't be in the public interest to prosecute her.